Growing in Love & Why I'm Not Falling in “It” Anymore!

ACT 1: The Fall—Shh...it.

“Once Upon A Time,” is usually how the fairy tale love stories begin. While the message is culturally strong from an early age, it does little to actually clue you in on what real love is like. Growing up and through personal experiences I came to believe that love was very conditional and that the sacrifice of my entire being was a requirement for it. This meant giving up everything about myself in behalf of another in the name of so-called LOVE.

That form of love is counterfeit and there's a reason they are called “characters” in a story because they're all acting. None of it is real. Instead there's a great deal of fear and shame around it. All the questions and the “what-if's,” wondering if you'll ever be anything enough. It's the kind where you stay together because you're supposed to, because you're not a quitter, and you don't believe in divorce. So, you stay in something horribly unhealthy for the sake of the kids, your pocketbook, survival, or any other slew of reasons (and that's okay, for a while). You stay because there might be judgment and you worry what others might think of or say to you. You worry that you're a failure and that somehow you're now damaged goods and no one will take that lightly. So, you stay longer and they leave instead of you and it hurts.

Sometimes you're finally done playing with a character and you find yourself another character that turns out to be awfully similar to the previous one. There's a pattern here. What is it? While I'm the common denominator in all the stories it still does not make the experiences any more pleasant or acceptable. That desperation and fear of being alone has a price—you. So, you stay because that last time didn't leave a bruise and there weren't any injuries you could prove and who would believe it anyway. You stay because they lie and have you totally convinced it's all your fault and that if you just did things the right way, their way, everything would run smoothly. You stay because you can think of a million ways it could all work if you just stay and think positive thoughts. You stay because you want to prove to them that they're loved unconditionally, by you. Who would want to deal with that sort of baggage while you sort through it all? You stay because, again, who would want to be with you after all this and there's probably no one better than this?

And then, you try again with another character and fall flat on your face realizing that in a short amount of time you've done it again and it stings, though this time there was progress... While on the ground with your face in the mud the only option is what's right in front of you if you accept what is and surrender to it. You notice the pattern a lot sooner & begin choosing a different way. A way whereby you hold on to who you are as a person regardless of any outside circumstances. One where you stop over-giving to get love & start investing in yourself, fully. A story where you embrace being alone and enjoy it consistently because you love you. A hero's journey in being present moment-to-moment: centered, grounded, peaceful, joyful, clear, and finally safe at home in your own body. You are free to love because you are LOVE.

I no longer believe in the myth of “falling in love”. The term fall from my perspective looks an awful lot like Ego in disguise. When we pedestal or debase ourselves or others we're setting ourselves up for imminent failure. No one could possibly remain unequal for an indefinite amount of time and not pay the price. At some breaking point the one above will fall out of grace and/or the one below will rise from the ashes if they choose to shift it. No, I'm not going to put myself through the false kind of shame-based love called Shh...it any more. No more secrecy. No more hiding. No more pretending like everything's a rainbow when it's just plain ugly. No more overriding authenticity. The jig is up. Shit is not what love is made of. That is called falling in Ego with someone and it's terribly insecure.

Act 2: Seeds of Truth—Growth is a Natural Flow

I'm happy to report that I was wrong, painfully, very wrong about what I thought love was like. The painful part was necessarily what it took to come to the awakened and contrasting realization that pure love does not involve fear at all. Pure love is a lot like the scripture in 1 Corinthians 13:

Love, love is patient, love is kind
Love does not worry, does not boast
It is not proud, it is not rude
It is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs

Love never fails, never fails

Love does not delight in evil
Love, I'll always protect
Always trust, always hope
And it will push me
Love rejoices in truth

As cheesy as it all sounds it's incredibly true. This kind of love is what I call “growing in love”. It is where seeds of trust are firmly planted and nurtured over time by consistent acts of kindness, compassion, empathy, service, laughter, gentleness, patience, protectiveness (different than defensive, jealous, or possessive), attention, care, peace, clarity, and concern. This love looks like serving for the pure joy of it, not because anyone is broken or helpless, but because you're both equally whole and magnificent on your own and desire to share that with those around you.

This is expansive, infinite, brilliant, and edifying. It's all encompassing without being consuming. It's a wholehearted experience that involves body, mind, heart, and spirit. It's about the connection and flow and reflecting and magnifying all that is good while embracing the deepest parts of ourselves and those around us. It looks like being fully present to what is and sitting in your sacred, vulnerable, raw, unfiltered heart-space together. It looks like healthy detachment meaning there aren't very many expectations and instead are goals for personal growth and healthy interdependence. It looks like not knowing or needing to know the exact outcome and instead enjoying the journey together one step at a time. It's the kind of love that simply, powerfully changes the entire world one set of sun-kissed eyes at a time. It's the kind where being brave is encouraged and so is being true to yourself.

The good news is that this isn't limited to romantic relationships and is especially helpful with relating to yourself. It's the kind of filter than is far-reaching and most everyone can learn to apply and practice it more. Think about what it is you want more of in your life and be that, be the shift you wish to see. So... how will you show up for yourself today? Will you love yourself unconditionally and passionately? What is your personal relationship mission statement?

After years and years of hellish relating and shifting the patterns of scarcity and codependency I have finally come across a person who mirrors what true love is to me. Together we stand even stronger in supporting the greater good within each other and the world. Together we co-create with God by living authentically from our hearts. We honor ourselves in each moment and thereby honor each other. We live fully invested in the present and reside in a space of sacred rest. We are Wholeness Restored.

The Perfect Illusion: A Memoir of My Former Lover

I'm now realizing that relationships tend to end the way they begin and in our case it was fast and furious with a side of “why the hell not?”! It didn't start out as alarmingly obvious. No, that took nearly 2 years from when we first met to today to completely unfold and implode while still exploding in my face.

My first experience with a girlfriend was a total nightmare. If there were 4 songs to represent our relationship they would be: Perfect Illusion, by Lady Gaga; Toxic, by Britney Spears; and Send My Love (To Your New Lover), by Adele; Oh, and our “song” was also perfect, Break Your Heart, by Taio Cruz. Yes, those all sum it all up quite truthfully.

The way we met was rather unexpected and obscure, and took me by surprise. I was flattered that you were interested in me and genuinely wanted to get to know me and about some of the things I love. You were seductive at the time and knew what you wanted in certain areas of life. You were a go-getter and I was on that list.

Somehow I was completely oblivious to how much you were into me and when we met in person I had a stiff amount of judgment I projected onto you. I was scared, and taking baby steps on being my true self felt death defying at the time. So, I pushed you away with the ever classic ghosting approach. I couldn't believe I did that to you and I hated when others did that to me. I never liked not knowing why someone wasn't interested anymore. Still I worked on getting more comfortable with my sexuality and my heart leaped at the chance to experience the thrills with you.

It was fun while it lasted. There was a sense of adventure and risk that I had never experienced before. It felt like I was the teenager I never allowed myself to be before. It was so opening, liberating, freeing, and amazing and I was definitely smitten by your charm.

We went back and forth a lot and couldn't decide whether we wanted to be together or not. By the end of 14 months of dating I estimate 6-7 breakups. Neither of us should have stayed with each other that long. Each time we broke up we just missed each other terribly and we were familiar, so we danced in the relationship a little longer.

Hardly anyone knew of the struggles and turmoil beneath the surface. While there were a lot of great things there were some pretty terrible ones too. I couldn't stand when you would drink too much. You became a different person and it was very emotionally, verbally, and at times physically abusive. One of the hardest parts was that you wouldn't remember what you said or did the next day. I was living with the painful wounds of what had been done. You would beg and plead me not to leave and I would put up with it, assuage you, and try to make it all better. I wanted to show you that someone could love you unconditionally, no matter what.

I realize now that it was awfully codependent of me to take on the role of caretaker with you. I set aside my needs and put you 1st when what I really needed was safety emotionally and physically. I put spiritual blinders on and overrode my own intuition on numerous occasions in the name of “love”.

What I forgot in all of it is that I needed to love myself first and to allow you to do the same for yourself. I forgot that I can love you or anyone else with as much heart as I can give, but I can't make you or anyone else receive it because you and they have to love themselves too. My inner child needed me to be her champion, and for a long time I kept telling her to “piper down!” And that's where my breaking point came into play.

I couldn't take the swearing, yelling, name calling or other forms of self-abuse projected at me anymore. I know it wasn't personal, but it felt humiliating and degrading. The things you said were your shame and your story, not mine, and I wasn't going to accept them as mine any longer.

Sure, I had a hard time not being girlfriends anymore, but that had nothing to do with the way things ended. The loving thing for me to do at 1 am that day was to make you dinner and ask if you wanted a plate as a good and caring friend. There wasn't neediness for attention in my desire to serve you, not even an ounce. Instead I was utterly bewildered at such a peculiar response which didn't fit the question or the situation. I was perplexed and wondering if I had inadvertently stepped into the Twilight Zone. It was a turning point and it was time for me to leave.

I had hoped you would cool down and see things more clearly later on, much like we had many, many times before. This time proved to be quite different though and you shut me out completely and didn't say a word. I had nothing to go on, no updates, no closure just a gaping wound for both of us. I gave you distance and space, and still no response.

It was agonizing not knowing how you were doing along the way. I still cared very deeply for you. I don't know why you pushed me with such energetic force or if it was even you initiating the process of doing so. It hurt that you couldn't give the decency of telling me yourself that you didn't want to be friends anymore & that I had to hear it from a 3rd party which may not even be accurate to what you actually felt. Still, it's all I had to go on and I did the best I could with what I had.

I started piecing together that you changed a lot starting back when you started going on weekends with some “friends”. I can't say for certain what has or has not happened between the two of you prior to us breaking up especially since substances were involved. What I can say is you started being belligerent, wouldn't look me in the eyes, avoided having any intimacy together, and wouldn't be physically affectionate in public anymore. You would yell, swear, and name call out in public and in private on a regular basis. You kept the other “friend” in the loop with everything going on and not me at all. When she showed up you acted as if I no longer existed or meant anything to you. I'm not dumb and I could see the way you two looked at each other. *And now I know you two got married to each other and I wish you the best.

I didn't want to see what was going on because I genuinely don't think in those terms. I'm not a cheater, liar, or manipulator so I don't assume someone is going to do that to me. I know we wouldn't have ever worked out at all and I don't see why things had to end so horribly. Maybe it's what you needed to get out of being with me and to make sure I really got the message that things were over. Maybe you want someone who has more sugar to offer you with less of an expectation of commitment and loyalty. Maybe you wanted someone who wasn't so fucking vulnerable and emotional all the time. And all of that's okay. You ended it in a really shitty way though and could have just told me what you were feeling.

So yes, I can't, won't, and will never be friends with you ever again because I deserve so much better. I deserve to have the kind of people in my life who are sweet, thoughtful, kind, considerate, loving, compassionate, understanding, and love me exactly where I'm at in all my “boring-ness”. I like it that way. I don't need to drink or smoke anything to feel, to love, to be open, or to have fun. We were destined to make an explosion together and that is precisely what happened.

I am grateful for the things I learned about myself. I learned how to be more comfortable with myself, loosen up a little, love fearlessly regardless of the consequence, and to appreciate things as they are because you never know when you're going to loose someone you “love” very much. I was broken open and I'm stronger for it. I now believe I deserve a much different kind of love because I love myself more. I have risen from the ashes like the Phoenix that I am and I'm soaring higher than ever before.

I now fully understand the phrase a counselor once told me, “If he's/she's charming, I'm running!” I was hooked, addicted, infatuated, and a bit obsessed with you. You were my drug of choice. Everything was so real to me and I believed every word you told me. Now I know it was all a lie, one big, elaborate series of lies. It wasn't love at all. It was counterfeit from the start. It was the perfect illusion. 

A Practice in Being Present: Roller Coasters

I feel like an energetic Disney World is right around the corner. I'm on the precipice of great things, just not quite yet. It's the feeling you get as you're sitting strapped down in a roller coaster car. You're secretly hoping everything goes as it usually does in it's proper motion, and you don't get stuck somewhere on the tracks and have to wait for hours to be rescued dangling high above the air. It's the moment when you feel the weight, pressure, gravity, force, and pull as your hear the clicks and chinks going up, up, up and your body hunkers down in the seat.

And then it seems as if time is standing still. There's the anticipation of the thrilling free-fall and sense of freedom and relief. Then there's elation and a bit of, "What did I just get myself into? What did I sign myself up for? Too late now!"

And then before you know it you're twisting and turning, looping quickly around and you come to a sudden stop and a slow reeling in until you're fully back to the platform. It's time to get out & you're still processing what just happened. "Was I present in the moment? Was I absent or disconnected from my body? Where were my thoughts?"

I'm guessing most passengers don't psychoanalyze the experience and just go a long with the ride. Now I'm noticing I take myself too seriously in my attempt to assign meaning to something that is designed to be a journey and not a final destination. It's designed to be a momentary pleasure that can be relieved over and over for the sheer joy of it. *Screeching halt & a face palm...

Now what? Oh, I need to get out of my head and into my heart. I need to get out more and play for the fun of it. I need to practice letting go of what I think something does or doesn't mean and let it be. I'll have to let you know what magical things I learn from jumping out of an airplane when that day comes. Until then, be silly, play until your heart is full, and sing a happy song and see what comes along. Carpe diem my friends!

Lucky 13: Post-Divorce or Breakup Words of Wisdom

So much has been going on in my life lately that I forgot what it's like to be with myself for a bit. Amid all the challenges, struggles, changes, and blessings I have managed to disconnect. As I was working I thought about all sorts of things, and then it all slowly slipped in to my vulnerable, open heart.

Today's date popped into my head. “Wait, it's the 28th today?! It would have been my 13^th wedding anniversary.” And so, I'm reflecting. The phrase “Lucky 13” keeps popping up and I'm sitting with it. So much has changed in those 13 years, especially in the 5 years since the divorce.

It used to be so painful for me to even think about. I hated seeing happy couples together because it reminded me of what I didn't have anymore and what I could have had. It was painful to see what appeared to be happy families together. I wanted to hide out and check out and be virtually invisible. I didn't want the well-meaning, though often mislead, awkward conversations. I didn't want the judgment, pity, shame, guilt, or the dating questions. I felt it would have been easier if there was a physical death of some kind because then there's a sense of finality and permanence to it that didn't require an explanation of what “went wrong.”

My marriage died and it was a sharp, ugly death. There was nothing pretty about the gut-wrenching nights of crying myself to sleep, the panic attacks, the depression and suicidal thoughts that set in, the frequent arguments, and seemingly endless therapy appointments. No, that was brutal and raw. And it stayed that way for a while. The shock didn't last forever, and the numbing sadness with the fake-it-till-you-make-it motions took over. I was in survival mode.

Life goes on as it always does and eventually I got back on board to pick myself up. Faced with uncertainty and with a lot of support from family & friends I began to piece myself back together. I opted for vocational schooling with 2 young children to raise and found myself mysteriously enrolled in massage school. People ask how I ended up there & I tell them “I blame God for that one.” And I'm totally serious. God told me one day to go to massage school, which was completely absurd in my mind given my life experience and background. So I did, and now I can see why (and that's a different story).

I've since attended the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT, Soul Integrity & Aura Personalities, and taken Reiki, in addition to many professional counselors and other complimentary therapies over the years. So many things have been instrumental in serving me to see myself and consequently others more clearly.

As I reflect on the lessons from divorce I have learned here's the 13 pieces of advice I'd give my former self of 5 years ago with my current perspective:

1. He and I were supposed to be together long enough to get us to the sick-and-tired stage...so that we could CHANGE. We weren't good together in a spouse relationship.
2. We had karmic, sacred contracts with each other that needed to be fulfilled. We had the option of learning more about ourselves through the depths of radical self-inquiry that followed.
3. The disaster of a marriage was the Perfect Storm and the catalyst we both needed to move forward in a more authentic direction individually and collectively.
4. Honoring yourself always honors others. Sometimes things end because it's no longer serving both parties. It sucks, and sometimes it's entirely necessary. We need to stand up for ourselves and set and maintain boundaries. Trust me, it takes a lot of practice and the process is rather messy!
5. Lawyers and anyone to do with a team of lawyers are expensive. Definitely get a good one who will realistically tell you what your rights are. It's an investment and you end up paying more if you don't do it professionally the 1^st time.
6. Keeping your ego in check is a lot of fucking work! Yes, you will likely say stupid things at one point or another, sometimes a lot of dumb stuff comes out. For your own sanity, do your best not to make a habit of it. Therapy helped me through a lot of this as well as soul-path work.
7. Be your own best friend and advocate. Date yourself! Take care of yourself! Do what you've always dreamed of doing and daydream about it. Find a way to love yourself. Fall madly, passionately in-love with yourself. You are your own best friend. Get comfortable with being alone because you're the only one who can be there for you 100% of the time.
8. Be the kind of person you'd like to be with. Forgive yourself on a regular basis. You're very human and also divine.
9. Your kids will turn out however they need to. They will make their own decisions about life and how they interpret what has happened. The best thing you could do is show them how to love and think for themselves by example.
10. It's only a failure if you refuse to learn from it. Learning is always an option. The lessons are by no means easy or instant, yet they are absolutely worth it. Oh, and totally cry and ask for help if you need it. We're all human & we're all in this together. Emotions are your strength too.
11. Sometimes people change more than you realize. Be open to changing yourself and let the rest go. Codependency isn't going to make anything better. All you can do is sweep your side of the street and focus on what you need to do. The only business that's yours to worry about is your own. There's no need to explain yourself to whomever the “other” person is. You know your heart & that's good enough.
12. Someday the other person will likely move on and so will you. Some days you will be tempted to be jealous or feel like it's not fair. Honor and validate the depths. It's okay. You love who you are and all is well. You enjoy your company. It's also okay to be genuinely happy for yourself and others. Everyone is designed to feel love and joy. Follow that feeling and you'll be free.
13. Sometimes you get “lucky” and people change for the better, yourself included. It's not really luck though. It takes years of work and conscious practice thousands and thousands of times. It's worth it to have a better relationship for the kids.

So, do I feel lucky? I'm not sure I do. I do feel a lot of gratitude that I have been able to find myself in all of this and could love myself more fully and clearly. I wouldn't wish these kinds of experiences on anyone or ask to repeat them in my own life. Yet, I am grateful for the lessons that have come because of them. Divorce has come to mean a lot of things for me over the years and mostly now I can honestly say it's changed me for the better.

Glennon Doyle Melton shared a quote of hers a while back and it stuck with me. I'm not sure she intended it it to be my new definition of successful relationship regardless of it the other person and I stay together in the same context. She said, “A marriage is not only a success if it lasts forever, but if it changes both partners into more loving, free, wise, brave, kind, whole beings.” With that in mind I can say that I've had a successful divorce by my own definition. One where we've learned and grown far more from being apart and being with ourselves than we ever could have accomplished together. We're both more awake now, more compassionate, more kind, and more loving. It's something we both chose on our own and it's making our kids' lives that much better.

All relationships are a dance with parts of ourselves reflected back to us. The beauty is in seeing ourselves more clearly and loving the entire masterpiece full of contrasts. Welcome to the dance of life my loves!

Landslide Brought You Down?

Sometimes life can feel utterly overwhelming and yesterday was like that for me and many people I know. I couldn't hold back or maintain "composure". I cried getting massaged and afterward too. I pulled myself together to spend time with my boys, and again found that the swelling of emotions just kept spilling over.

At the end of the day I found myself crying on the floor at a toy store. I had just made a mindful plea wishing I just had a friend to sit with me. Minutes later an old friend I hadn't seen in years walked right by me and upon a second look realized who I was. She sat with me for a while and listened to the snapshot of what was going on and held space for me. We hugged and I thanked her for being there for me.

On the way home I saw the way the light was breaking through the storm clouds and in that moment I identified with that. God wants the light to break forth through me. God is working a beautiful miracle within me and bringing light to some of the darkest parts of my experiences. I am reminded that in the tempestuous storm a new day always comes and light follows the dark.

God is excellent at new beginnings. I've noticed a pattern over the years in my life and they tend to be big sweeping changes all at once. Rather than the painstaking process of having me remodel an outmoded belief system he sends in a landslide. He takes care of the demolition and tells me it's time to move forward and be open to new things however they show up. My job then becomes to love what is.

As I search for meaning in all of this, in all the feelings of nothingness I wrestle a bit with ego on self-worth. Ego would have me believe that I'm a failure and that I'm weak and incapable. Ego would have me believe that my worth is directly correlated to the status of my bank account, relationships, career, or any other constructs it deems "worthy" of importance.

What am I left with when nearly everything has systematically been removed, taken away, or walked out of my life? What is left when I'm left with next to nothing? What happens when you've hit rock bottom before in your life and come to realize that there's a new rock bottom you never expected?

Well, I'm here to tell you and to remind myself that in the wake of the storm the only thing that's left is you—beautiful, adorable, sweet and messy you. All that's left is what you started with and that's Love. Nothing can add or take away your value. You are valuable simply because you exist and that's all there is to it.

As I reflect on how I have been feeling I am grateful that I am feeling. I'm grateful for beautiful people in my life who encourage me to be vulnerable, authentic, and honor myself. They remind me of who I am, that there is strength even in weakness, that things will work out, and I'll be stronger for it. 

I am grateful to have the ease of access to so many wonderful outlets and resources and for the power of my God-given gifts and abilities, especially my voice. I am grateful to experience healing on so many levels for myself and for the privilege of being able to hold space and witness others do the same for themselves. I'm grateful for the ugly tears and sadness and for laughter that also brings cleansing.

So, my fellow Warriors of Love, when in doubt love yourself more! Take it one moment and one day at a time. You're not alone in your suffering or your pain and someday a little bit of joy might creep in again. And when you're not sure what to do, practice nurturing and being with yourself. After all, you are your own best investment. Remember where there is peace, clarity, and joy there is your path. It may not logically make sense and that's okay. Just lean into the discomfort and trust that God and the entire Universe have got your back. You'll be okay. I promise. Love on Warriors, love on.

Gay Q & A: Acceptance, Religion, Addiction, and Biology

How did you come to accept that you are gay?

The acceptance process of being gay was a rather long and drawn out one for me. While it was obvious to many, or perhaps maybe not to some, I was in strict denial of it for most of my life. It wasn't until my late 20's & early 30's that I started to come to terms with all of it.

The acceptance came when I finally decided to embrace and love the fact that I was gay & surrender to the fact that nothing I was doing or could do would "get rid" of "those" feelings of same gender attraction. I came to realize that energy can never be destroyed and it is inherently designed to be created and recreated over time. In my personal experience I wouldn't want to be different than I am now. I spent my whole life fighting it, denying, and lying to myself for what, to be miserable? No. That's where I was most of the time in shame and misery trying not to be something I was naturally designed to be.

I've had some tough conversations with God about it and it went something like this:

I asked, "God, Why did you give this to me? I didn't want it! Why would I choose this experience? Why is it so 'wrong' to be gay?"

The simple reply was, "Emily, you came to learn love in all of its levels and forms including this one. There is nothing wrong with loving who, or how you love. If you find joy and peace, then it is good and comes from God. Focus on the principles. I designed you on purpose and with purpose and I didn't make a mistake with you. The mistake would be in believing that there was something inherently wrong, bad, unnatural, or counterfeit about you. That would be the sad part, believing that I love you less than anyone else or that you are unworthy of love and all that life experience can be. You are equal in my eyes."

"Then why must I stay celibate in order to please you? Why did you give me such a big heart filled with love for others and then tell me not to express it to its full extent? It's not fair. Why should I go my whole life without connecting on a deeply satisfying, enriching, complementary, and reflective soul level with another person? It doesn't make sense to me & I'm confused at such a contradiction! Denying the love I have to offer is miserable, depressing, and seems like it would be a waste of my energy."

"Emily, do not be discouraged by constraints that sources outside of yourself try to tell you who you should be. I'm really accepting and open-hearted, though some versions people profess are very limiting of my infinite nature. Believe the God that is in you. Believe that you are because I Am. I am Love and as such, so are you. Follow the feelings of pure love and you will be on the path that is true for you. Your path is not the same as other people and comparing the path with criticism is unfair judgment towards yourself. Your path specifics are perfectly designed for you and you alone. There's no one else quite like you and I love you that way."

Was it hard to turn your back on what you have been taught your whole life?

Absolutely. I had to wrap my head, unravel, and re-wrap it differently than I had before. I really questioned everything I thought I knew up until that point of my life. All my certainties and truths went out the window when my life was falling apart despite doing all the "right" things that were expressed in the religion I grew up in. It wasn't adding up in the end. I read scriptures, attended church and religious services very regularly, courted my spouse, and well... it just wasn't there between us.

The miracle that happened is that I had the opportunity again and chose to discover more about myself in relation to God's eyes and to fully love, accept, & embrace myself. God didn't make a mistake with me. He understood perfectly that I came to this world to learn, exemplify, embrace, and embody divine love in all its forms. God looks on the heart and not on the outward appearance. One may deem another with a specific label as different, less than or greater than. God sees everyone as equal and what he sees is love. There is not a judgement on what form the love comes in, that's something people do.

I may have turned a different way from the religious construct arena, but I have found that my heart leans more into trusting God. I'm closer to God now overall than I ever was before. I realized that God loves everyone absolutely & that he's protective of all of his children if they allow and receive it. So rather than seeing a physical apostasy from religion, I realized that the potential "breakdown" was really a breakthrough or spiritual awakening waiting for me to embrace it with open arms. I became open to exploring & shook off limits that I thought needed to be there to keep me safe. When I approach God with an open heart, mind, body & spirit, miracles come pouring in to show the next step for me.

I came to realize what it means to have a hero's quest or journey of leaving your home tribe, receiving a life calling, having teachers & mentors, following & embracing it, & returning to the tribe you originated from with the potential of being completely rejected. So, the awakening happens in the journey where you come to experience God on a personal and individual level and then bring that light and knowledge forward to where you came from. Someone questioning is not an actual threat to a construct (tribe) and is rather, an invaluable asset if people receive them. People will generally take their joy-filled wisdom where it is appreciated, valued, and has influence.

What was the hardest part about transitioning from a religious background?

The hardest part for me was dealing with the culture of shame I grew up with. That's been the toughest transition to unlearn and relearn. I have found a great deal of insight and healing by reading different books from John Bradshaw (Healing the Shame That Binds You & Homecoming), Debbie Ford (The Dark Side of the Light Chasers), Julia Cameron (The Artist's Way), Brené Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly), Byron Katie (Loving What Is), and Tosha Silver (Outrageous Openness). These have greatly influenced my life for the better and to shift the energy of shame to a life filled with passion, joy, peace, happiness, and soulful satisfaction. I also found amazing counselors to work with as well as practitioners of different kinds to assist with complementary therapies.

I've had a lot of support over the years, but I have also learned to ask for it specifically. There are many people who love me just the way I am & they do so openly and lovingly with all of their hearts. There may be people who are now uncomfortable and that's okay. Their discomfort isn't a problem for me to resolve. I've come to realize that it's their story and not mine.

How is this different from just being a different form of sexual addiction?

Addictions are an unhealthy way to avoid, escape, overcompensate, deny, or otherwise shove & stuff whatever "it" is away so that we don't have to deal with it head on. Addictions generally reside in a state of shame/perfectionism. So, if you want to transform the addiction, shift the shame and resolve the core inside yourself. You are not your story & you are not your shame.

I don't think gender-identity is an addiction at all. No one says hetero's have an addiction for who they like naturally. Someone once said to me that they've never struggled with same gender attraction. I asked them "who said it was a struggle?" The struggle isn't in who we like. The struggle can be there if or when we judge our natural dispositions or that of another's to be inherently wrong.  

God made nature in all different forms, including humans. Our natural state of being is Love and we are to continue increasing and/or existing in that joyful state as often as possible. Some plants are asexual, male seahorses have the babies; many species are not monogamous for life with one mate. What does all this potentially mean? In my book it means that God loves variety! God didn't create everything within one category to be exactly the same. No two snowflakes are exactly alike and neither are 2 flowers of the exact variety. All have things that are relatively common to one another in their like kind, but none are all the same. While many will say that the purpose of humans is to create more humans, who's to say that God didn't intend the process of co-creation to be on every level? 

The most supportive unit of society is really self-love, vulnerability, & self-awareness & the rest is all just details. Yes a husband & wife could provide stability as a unit of society and of family security. That can be provided in a lot of different formats. Single parents, unmarried, heterosexual, and homosexual people are all capable of amazing things. No one is better than another and we are all worthy of support from the village of our surrounding tribes.

Isn't this (homo) sexuality just a refuge from, or a reaction to, being hurt by men so much?

I suppose for some people the answer to this question could be yes. I am unsure of if there is an underlying understanding to the question of sexual abuse being a factor in same-gender attraction. Not everyone who is gay has been sexually abused. The abuse doesn't always factor into gender identity either.

I can say I've thoroughly sorted through a large amount of those experiences, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions over the years and have done a lot of work to heal the trauma that was there for me. I still have hatred towards men & women to work through as well as some remaining shame and judgement. I'm not perfect. I have seriously questioned if I would be gay without the abuse & the answer I can comfortably say is "Yes, I would still be gay if I had not been sexually abused by men & women." No one is at fault for gender identity, it just is. My parents didn't parent me differently than my other siblings. Some people are gay & some are not. People are all on the spectrum of human nature. It's not a big deal in my book. 

What makes physical intimacy okay with a woman for you, but not a man?

This would depend entirely on what a person feels naturally comfortable with. The question for an individual would be "If there wasn't any shame in this would I feel draw n to being with someone of the same, both, opposite gender, or no one at all?" I have come to a point personally where I do not see people as physically male or female. Rather I see masculine & feminine in everyone & believe in finding the energetic compliment to your amazingly already whole self. Up until 5 weeks in utero babies are completely identical. It isn't until the hormone surge that a physical gender type is determined. What about people who have more than one set of genitalia? Did God predestine them to be miserable because they don't fit into a neat category? Nope. I think we were designed to figure it out for ourselves.

Our process of knowing who we are is between us and God, and everyone else in the world is there to serve as a reflection of ourselves so that we can learn whatever it is that we need to. There aren't any limits to who you love though I'm opposed to incest and statutory relationships (huge boundary violations!). I have a strong draw towards women and things I felt super ashamed doing with men (like even just cuddling or kissing) was not at all shameful with a woman. I feel completely natural with women and it's been pretty surprising because I wasn't expecting that at all.

Has your body actually done anything 'right' when you were with a man? (In terms of biological responses)

Now that I've experienced both sides of the equation I can say for sure that my body struggled horribly to have natural and biological sexual responses to men.

Psychology & sexuality are strongly intertwined. My psychology & brain wiring is geared to being attracted to women on a sexual and romantic level. That is why it feels so wrong for me to be with a man. Psychologically it is very wrong and unnatural for me to do so. I have had a lot more ease in experiences with women and all the "natural stuff" has been wonderful and beautiful so far. It's a night and day difference for me & there isn't a big struggle anymore.

No Filters: Straight Up, I’m Gay!

Wow. It feels so good to say that and admit it more publicly. Are you still with me? Okay, good. BREATHE. Now, some of you are excited, happy, and glad for me and others may be anxious, sad, surprised, shocked, scared, or worried. No need to fear, I’m completely okay with knowing, believing, and embracing all of me, inside and out. I am comfortable with my spirituality and sexuality, and how they are inseparably connected for me in this reality. It is a truth that is so real for me on a daily basis and I'm glad I am finally embracing it.

The time for me to speak my truth is now, when I am in the process of discovering, exploring, and accepting it. It is when I am finally awake, alive, and present with the previously most hidden aspects of myself. It is when I feel joy and passion at the thought of being completely authentic with most people. That is where the power in sharing my heartfelt personal experiences comes from. It is a space of love.

I’m not writing to brag, gloat, impose, shove, prove, or spite anyone. I have no hidden agenda and absolutely nothing to prove. I’m not looking for love or approval because I don’t need that from anyone outside of myself. No, ego isn't a very good reason to share this sort of thing either. In sharing my story I am speaking to the part of everyone that has struggled to some degree or another to understand who they are on a deep soul level. 

My story isn't about being gay at all, that’s just a detail. Instead, my story is about learning to unconditionally love and accept myself exactly as I am and to love what presently is. In a post from last August I came out as being bisexual and to the best of my knowledge at the time I was being truthful. I find guys to be fun and novel and that’s about it. When I see myself in long-term relationships it is always with women on a deeper and committed level.

It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I started venturing into this “new” world, which really is the one I was naturally born into. I tried so hard my whole life to fit in, do what I thought I was supposed to or needed to do, to get rid feelings of same sex attraction or completely deny them. I've been beating myself up my whole life over something I had no control over. I didn't ask to be gay, nor did I choose it. Why would I choose to be gay in a world that largely shames, ridicules, persecutes, and denies a person of that orientation?! No one would really pick that when it comes right down to it. Um, yes, please sign me up for discrimination and hate because I feel that would be a pleasant life experience… Yeah, no, not how it works. I believe that since I genuinely love people that others are capable for doing the same for me. It is in this regard that I have not encountered negative responses so far.

Rather than repeating endless shame cycles of beating a dead horse I decided to grieve the dead horse and love it. It turns out the horse wasn't dead, dead, but it was in a deep sleep awaiting the time that it would be safe to run free just as it was designed to. It needed to be nurtured, held, be hugged, have its sore muscles rubbed, hair washed and brushed, shoes cleaned and maintained, and be given water, shelter, and food. That dead horse was a part of me; it is a part of me. Energy cannot be destroyed or be rid of. Instead energy can be transformed into something far more beautiful than we could ever imagine with our own understanding. I needed refinement and strengthening. I needed soul training. God didn't beat me or the horse one bit; I did that to myself before anyone else could as a way to feel safe and in control of the process or outcome. God gave me strength to rise and run again. He gave me courage and hope and filled my ears with shouts of praise and glory. He reminded me that he sees my heart and it’s full of love. He tells me to keep going because it is what is true for me and he wants me to be happy.

In my experiences with dating women so far I have come to learn that I am far happier in that space together. I have realized that the PTSD and triggers I had in similar situations with men aren't happening at all with women. The triggers are an afterthought of “oh, that would usually be a trigger for me, but for some reason it’s not.” It is 150% natural for me. I don’t have to make or convince myself to want to be with the person. Being with women for me is expansive and feels safe and whole and that is the flow I allow.

Many times I have shouted words of anger and rage at God and I've shoved him out a time or two in moments of despair or frustration. I didn't understand why I would come designed to like the same gender and it felt unfair. It didn't make sense to me why God would expect someone to be miserable the rest of their lives because sharing all the love I had & the way that I can would be considered sinful (keep in mind this is within the context of religious practices/beliefs of celibacy before marriage and monogamy the remainder of your life with one person of the opposite gender you are legally married to). God has made it very clear to me that I am to love with all of my heart. I came to this life to learn, experience, and be Love and this is part of God’s plan for me. I don’t claim to understand it really. I do trust the feeling of peace and joy I have with it though & those feelings always come from a higher power.

Years ago when getting a divorce after 9 years of marriage I felt like my world was falling apart, my world was turned upside down, and that I was running through hell. I finally realize that everything was happening for me so that my life could finally fall perfectly into place in the direction of dreams beyond my wildest imagination and then some. It has brought me to a place of gracious wonder, a place of joy, laughter, peace, and a soul transforming freedom. Yes, it was a deep space of darkness where I did not know anything anymore and the space of unknowing was unsettling. But after years of being spiritually nurtured I can see where God planted the seeds in fertile ground and assisted and waited patiently for me to break ground, grow, and bring forth beautiful fruits. It is in the darkness that I became open to receiving all of God’s creations for me and that I can now come forward in the light of his love and support. God doesn't withhold or filter his love and neither will I.