Gay Q & A: Acceptance, Religion, Addiction, and Biology

How did you come to accept that you are gay?

The acceptance process of being gay was a rather long and drawn out one for me. While it was obvious to many, or perhaps maybe not to some, I was in strict denial of it for most of my life. It wasn't until my late 20's & early 30's that I started to come to terms with all of it.

The acceptance came when I finally decided to embrace and love the fact that I was gay & surrender to the fact that nothing I was doing or could do would "get rid" of "those" feelings of same gender attraction. I came to realize that energy can never be destroyed and it is inherently designed to be created and recreated over time. In my personal experience I wouldn't want to be different than I am now. I spent my whole life fighting it, denying, and lying to myself for what, to be miserable? No. That's where I was most of the time in shame and misery trying not to be something I was naturally designed to be.

I've had some tough conversations with God about it and it went something like this:

I asked, "God, Why did you give this to me? I didn't want it! Why would I choose this experience? Why is it so 'wrong' to be gay?"

The simple reply was, "Emily, you came to learn love in all of its levels and forms including this one. There is nothing wrong with loving who, or how you love. If you find joy and peace, then it is good and comes from God. Focus on the principles. I designed you on purpose and with purpose and I didn't make a mistake with you. The mistake would be in believing that there was something inherently wrong, bad, unnatural, or counterfeit about you. That would be the sad part, believing that I love you less than anyone else or that you are unworthy of love and all that life experience can be. You are equal in my eyes."

"Then why must I stay celibate in order to please you? Why did you give me such a big heart filled with love for others and then tell me not to express it to its full extent? It's not fair. Why should I go my whole life without connecting on a deeply satisfying, enriching, complementary, and reflective soul level with another person? It doesn't make sense to me & I'm confused at such a contradiction! Denying the love I have to offer is miserable, depressing, and seems like it would be a waste of my energy."

"Emily, do not be discouraged by constraints that sources outside of yourself try to tell you who you should be. I'm really accepting and open-hearted, though some versions people profess are very limiting of my infinite nature. Believe the God that is in you. Believe that you are because I Am. I am Love and as such, so are you. Follow the feelings of pure love and you will be on the path that is true for you. Your path is not the same as other people and comparing the path with criticism is unfair judgment towards yourself. Your path specifics are perfectly designed for you and you alone. There's no one else quite like you and I love you that way."

Was it hard to turn your back on what you have been taught your whole life?

Absolutely. I had to wrap my head, unravel, and re-wrap it differently than I had before. I really questioned everything I thought I knew up until that point of my life. All my certainties and truths went out the window when my life was falling apart despite doing all the "right" things that were expressed in the religion I grew up in. It wasn't adding up in the end. I read scriptures, attended church and religious services very regularly, courted my spouse, and well... it just wasn't there between us.

The miracle that happened is that I had the opportunity again and chose to discover more about myself in relation to God's eyes and to fully love, accept, & embrace myself. God didn't make a mistake with me. He understood perfectly that I came to this world to learn, exemplify, embrace, and embody divine love in all its forms. God looks on the heart and not on the outward appearance. One may deem another with a specific label as different, less than or greater than. God sees everyone as equal and what he sees is love. There is not a judgement on what form the love comes in, that's something people do.

I may have turned a different way from the religious construct arena, but I have found that my heart leans more into trusting God. I'm closer to God now overall than I ever was before. I realized that God loves everyone absolutely & that he's protective of all of his children if they allow and receive it. So rather than seeing a physical apostasy from religion, I realized that the potential "breakdown" was really a breakthrough or spiritual awakening waiting for me to embrace it with open arms. I became open to exploring & shook off limits that I thought needed to be there to keep me safe. When I approach God with an open heart, mind, body & spirit, miracles come pouring in to show the next step for me.

I came to realize what it means to have a hero's quest or journey of leaving your home tribe, receiving a life calling, having teachers & mentors, following & embracing it, & returning to the tribe you originated from with the potential of being completely rejected. So, the awakening happens in the journey where you come to experience God on a personal and individual level and then bring that light and knowledge forward to where you came from. Someone questioning is not an actual threat to a construct (tribe) and is rather, an invaluable asset if people receive them. People will generally take their joy-filled wisdom where it is appreciated, valued, and has influence.

What was the hardest part about transitioning from a religious background?

The hardest part for me was dealing with the culture of shame I grew up with. That's been the toughest transition to unlearn and relearn. I have found a great deal of insight and healing by reading different books from John Bradshaw (Healing the Shame That Binds You & Homecoming), Debbie Ford (The Dark Side of the Light Chasers), Julia Cameron (The Artist's Way), Brené Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly), Byron Katie (Loving What Is), and Tosha Silver (Outrageous Openness). These have greatly influenced my life for the better and to shift the energy of shame to a life filled with passion, joy, peace, happiness, and soulful satisfaction. I also found amazing counselors to work with as well as practitioners of different kinds to assist with complementary therapies.

I've had a lot of support over the years, but I have also learned to ask for it specifically. There are many people who love me just the way I am & they do so openly and lovingly with all of their hearts. There may be people who are now uncomfortable and that's okay. Their discomfort isn't a problem for me to resolve. I've come to realize that it's their story and not mine.

How is this different from just being a different form of sexual addiction?

Addictions are an unhealthy way to avoid, escape, overcompensate, deny, or otherwise shove & stuff whatever "it" is away so that we don't have to deal with it head on. Addictions generally reside in a state of shame/perfectionism. So, if you want to transform the addiction, shift the shame and resolve the core inside yourself. You are not your story & you are not your shame.

I don't think gender-identity is an addiction at all. No one says hetero's have an addiction for who they like naturally. Someone once said to me that they've never struggled with same gender attraction. I asked them "who said it was a struggle?" The struggle isn't in who we like. The struggle can be there if or when we judge our natural dispositions or that of another's to be inherently wrong.  

God made nature in all different forms, including humans. Our natural state of being is Love and we are to continue increasing and/or existing in that joyful state as often as possible. Some plants are asexual, male seahorses have the babies; many species are not monogamous for life with one mate. What does all this potentially mean? In my book it means that God loves variety! God didn't create everything within one category to be exactly the same. No two snowflakes are exactly alike and neither are 2 flowers of the exact variety. All have things that are relatively common to one another in their like kind, but none are all the same. While many will say that the purpose of humans is to create more humans, who's to say that God didn't intend the process of co-creation to be on every level? 

The most supportive unit of society is really self-love, vulnerability, & self-awareness & the rest is all just details. Yes a husband & wife could provide stability as a unit of society and of family security. That can be provided in a lot of different formats. Single parents, unmarried, heterosexual, and homosexual people are all capable of amazing things. No one is better than another and we are all worthy of support from the village of our surrounding tribes.

Isn't this (homo) sexuality just a refuge from, or a reaction to, being hurt by men so much?

I suppose for some people the answer to this question could be yes. I am unsure of if there is an underlying understanding to the question of sexual abuse being a factor in same-gender attraction. Not everyone who is gay has been sexually abused. The abuse doesn't always factor into gender identity either.

I can say I've thoroughly sorted through a large amount of those experiences, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions over the years and have done a lot of work to heal the trauma that was there for me. I still have hatred towards men & women to work through as well as some remaining shame and judgement. I'm not perfect. I have seriously questioned if I would be gay without the abuse & the answer I can comfortably say is "Yes, I would still be gay if I had not been sexually abused by men & women." No one is at fault for gender identity, it just is. My parents didn't parent me differently than my other siblings. Some people are gay & some are not. People are all on the spectrum of human nature. It's not a big deal in my book. 

What makes physical intimacy okay with a woman for you, but not a man?

This would depend entirely on what a person feels naturally comfortable with. The question for an individual would be "If there wasn't any shame in this would I feel draw n to being with someone of the same, both, opposite gender, or no one at all?" I have come to a point personally where I do not see people as physically male or female. Rather I see masculine & feminine in everyone & believe in finding the energetic compliment to your amazingly already whole self. Up until 5 weeks in utero babies are completely identical. It isn't until the hormone surge that a physical gender type is determined. What about people who have more than one set of genitalia? Did God predestine them to be miserable because they don't fit into a neat category? Nope. I think we were designed to figure it out for ourselves.

Our process of knowing who we are is between us and God, and everyone else in the world is there to serve as a reflection of ourselves so that we can learn whatever it is that we need to. There aren't any limits to who you love though I'm opposed to incest and statutory relationships (huge boundary violations!). I have a strong draw towards women and things I felt super ashamed doing with men (like even just cuddling or kissing) was not at all shameful with a woman. I feel completely natural with women and it's been pretty surprising because I wasn't expecting that at all.

Has your body actually done anything 'right' when you were with a man? (In terms of biological responses)

Now that I've experienced both sides of the equation I can say for sure that my body struggled horribly to have natural and biological sexual responses to men.

Psychology & sexuality are strongly intertwined. My psychology & brain wiring is geared to being attracted to women on a sexual and romantic level. That is why it feels so wrong for me to be with a man. Psychologically it is very wrong and unnatural for me to do so. I have had a lot more ease in experiences with women and all the "natural stuff" has been wonderful and beautiful so far. It's a night and day difference for me & there isn't a big struggle anymore.

No Filters: Straight Up, I’m Gay!

Wow. It feels so good to say that and admit it more publicly. Are you still with me? Okay, good. BREATHE. Now, some of you are excited, happy, and glad for me and others may be anxious, sad, surprised, shocked, scared, or worried. No need to fear, I’m completely okay with knowing, believing, and embracing all of me, inside and out. I am comfortable with my spirituality and sexuality, and how they are inseparably connected for me in this reality. It is a truth that is so real for me on a daily basis and I'm glad I am finally embracing it.

The time for me to speak my truth is now, when I am in the process of discovering, exploring, and accepting it. It is when I am finally awake, alive, and present with the previously most hidden aspects of myself. It is when I feel joy and passion at the thought of being completely authentic with most people. That is where the power in sharing my heartfelt personal experiences comes from. It is a space of love.

I’m not writing to brag, gloat, impose, shove, prove, or spite anyone. I have no hidden agenda and absolutely nothing to prove. I’m not looking for love or approval because I don’t need that from anyone outside of myself. No, ego isn't a very good reason to share this sort of thing either. In sharing my story I am speaking to the part of everyone that has struggled to some degree or another to understand who they are on a deep soul level. 

My story isn't about being gay at all, that’s just a detail. Instead, my story is about learning to unconditionally love and accept myself exactly as I am and to love what presently is. In a post from last August I came out as being bisexual and to the best of my knowledge at the time I was being truthful. I find guys to be fun and novel and that’s about it. When I see myself in long-term relationships it is always with women on a deeper and committed level.

It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I started venturing into this “new” world, which really is the one I was naturally born into. I tried so hard my whole life to fit in, do what I thought I was supposed to or needed to do, to get rid feelings of same sex attraction or completely deny them. I've been beating myself up my whole life over something I had no control over. I didn't ask to be gay, nor did I choose it. Why would I choose to be gay in a world that largely shames, ridicules, persecutes, and denies a person of that orientation?! No one would really pick that when it comes right down to it. Um, yes, please sign me up for discrimination and hate because I feel that would be a pleasant life experience… Yeah, no, not how it works. I believe that since I genuinely love people that others are capable for doing the same for me. It is in this regard that I have not encountered negative responses so far.

Rather than repeating endless shame cycles of beating a dead horse I decided to grieve the dead horse and love it. It turns out the horse wasn't dead, dead, but it was in a deep sleep awaiting the time that it would be safe to run free just as it was designed to. It needed to be nurtured, held, be hugged, have its sore muscles rubbed, hair washed and brushed, shoes cleaned and maintained, and be given water, shelter, and food. That dead horse was a part of me; it is a part of me. Energy cannot be destroyed or be rid of. Instead energy can be transformed into something far more beautiful than we could ever imagine with our own understanding. I needed refinement and strengthening. I needed soul training. God didn't beat me or the horse one bit; I did that to myself before anyone else could as a way to feel safe and in control of the process or outcome. God gave me strength to rise and run again. He gave me courage and hope and filled my ears with shouts of praise and glory. He reminded me that he sees my heart and it’s full of love. He tells me to keep going because it is what is true for me and he wants me to be happy.

In my experiences with dating women so far I have come to learn that I am far happier in that space together. I have realized that the PTSD and triggers I had in similar situations with men aren't happening at all with women. The triggers are an afterthought of “oh, that would usually be a trigger for me, but for some reason it’s not.” It is 150% natural for me. I don’t have to make or convince myself to want to be with the person. Being with women for me is expansive and feels safe and whole and that is the flow I allow.

Many times I have shouted words of anger and rage at God and I've shoved him out a time or two in moments of despair or frustration. I didn't understand why I would come designed to like the same gender and it felt unfair. It didn't make sense to me why God would expect someone to be miserable the rest of their lives because sharing all the love I had & the way that I can would be considered sinful (keep in mind this is within the context of religious practices/beliefs of celibacy before marriage and monogamy the remainder of your life with one person of the opposite gender you are legally married to). God has made it very clear to me that I am to love with all of my heart. I came to this life to learn, experience, and be Love and this is part of God’s plan for me. I don’t claim to understand it really. I do trust the feeling of peace and joy I have with it though & those feelings always come from a higher power.

Years ago when getting a divorce after 9 years of marriage I felt like my world was falling apart, my world was turned upside down, and that I was running through hell. I finally realize that everything was happening for me so that my life could finally fall perfectly into place in the direction of dreams beyond my wildest imagination and then some. It has brought me to a place of gracious wonder, a place of joy, laughter, peace, and a soul transforming freedom. Yes, it was a deep space of darkness where I did not know anything anymore and the space of unknowing was unsettling. But after years of being spiritually nurtured I can see where God planted the seeds in fertile ground and assisted and waited patiently for me to break ground, grow, and bring forth beautiful fruits. It is in the darkness that I became open to receiving all of God’s creations for me and that I can now come forward in the light of his love and support. God doesn't withhold or filter his love and neither will I.