Lessons on Love

One night, I pretended to be asleep in my son’s bed. I told him that he had to sing me a song & tuck me in. He said, “Okay!” We decided that he could sing me the ABC’s or twinkle, twinkle. He chose the ABC’s. He starts singing enthusiastically & around the letter "P" interrupts and says, “Let me in!” and jumped in right next to me in his bed. We laughed together. “Let me in!” is now a term of endearment between my son & I. God certainly gave me young men to raise to learn how to love more fully and to become healed and balanced with male and female energy. I am more aware of my divided heart and mind on the matter of boys & men & how I fit in to the equation.

Children are natural teachers, but am I willing to learn the lessons they have for me? Can I really accept myself wholly and completely as a woman, and likewise do the same for men?

A girls’ first love is her Father. Not in a weird sort of way, but in a “I need your love, support, approval, affection, time, energy, and care, to know that I’m okay, that I’m good enough, that I can do anything, and that life really will work out and I can have my needs met, kind of way.”

Insecurity can have a lot to do with the fact that we left our previous Father and Mother figure & our life with them to come here to our earthly parents. We look to our fathers and mothers to fulfill certain roles & needs in our lives. For some of us the veil closing was & is quite frustrating. Personally I interpreted a deep level of rejection, because as a baby or young child the word “no” gets translated into all sorts of belief systems like “you don’t love me,” and having the veil close felt like a strong "you can't have that."

Most of my life I have desperately wanted love & approval. I wanted to fill the void of loneliness and fear—the feelings of not being good enough and that I was unworthy & undeserving of love. I believed that I couldn't have those things because I was bad (I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't get that perfect love every instance when I wanted—no human could ever meet everyone’s expectations all the time, especially as a little kid with constant needs). Even God himself cannot grant us every single wish we have, what, when, and how we want it. Life doesn't flow very well with forceful demands, demand frustrates plans.

So, here I am as an adult on the outside, healing from experiences where I determined negative things about myself & the world around me, operating as a child on the inside. I typically don’t trust most people & don’t see why I would. Granted, I don’t want to feel this way on a logical/cognitive level. Emotionally though, I've been hurt so much that I keep my fences up almost all the time. No one gets in or out unless I say so.

What’s that? You might want to get to know me anyway? Okay. You’ll need to take some rigorous tests first. I need you to fill out this application as well to make sure you’re qualified to receive these tests…There is a disclaimer & waiver to sign for as well. In the event that you are hurt it is in no way my fault…Uh huh? No, insurance isn't accepted here. Sorry.  

So, I put people through rigorous tests & obstacle courses to see if they really love me after all. Really what I’m doing is validating my egotistical belief that I don’t deserve love and emotional intimacy with anyone & that I’ll be rejected. It serves as a protective barrier. My behaviors & results align perfectly with my thoughts & beliefs. Funny how that works…

I do want love, trust, good conversations, quality time, a listening ear and heart, etc. Those are all great things to want and I can have them. The deal is, I have to possess those feelings and not only think those happy thoughts, but I have to believe them to be true before I can have what I want/need.

So what am I giving up or losing out on when I operate this way?
 

I am giving up my power when I allow the actions, or in-actions of others to determine my self-worth (external locus of control). As someone recently pointed out I’m “shooting the wrong bull’s-eye”. I want everyone to earn, prove, and win my love before I’ll let them in even a tiny bit. It’s exhausting to have to hit every layer of a target—how many rings are there anyway? That could change depending on the day and I could send them back to the start just like a never-ending game of Sorry, Aggravation, or Chutes & Ladders. How defeating is that? Sheesh that takes a lot of energy to maintain, no wonder I get exhausted & burnt out. 

I have not let people in nor have I made it easy or inviting to try. As others make their efforts I have shot arrows at their eyes while they are trying to connect with me. Why the eyes? So they can’t see how “bad” I am of course! I make a run for it too. I have made it really difficult to have the closeness and trust I that I really want! I feel like I’ll get rejected so I beat the person to it by pushing them away. Smart idea when you’re 2 or 4 maybe, not so great to hold onto at 29. (In my head I’m picturing the old belief system like a bad scene from Titanic, “I’ll never let go…” Well, sorry Charley, this ship has sailed!)

So, who or what is to blame for our plight or suffering? If we feel we have lost out on something or that we have been hurt, damaged, or victimized it’s not love’s fault for letting us down.

When people talk about love they often say things about what it isn't or that “love made them do it”. Or how about the phrase, “all is fair in love and war”? Well, to hell with that faulty thinking because nothing is really fair in war (how do you think war happened in the first place?… it depends on each person’s perception of what’s fair: subjective thinking for sure). I also have beef with the belief that “time heals all wounds”. If by time, you mean love, then yes, it is true. Time in and of itself doesn't do anything. Time allows us the ability to continue to make choices. We can choose hate, spite, envy, jealousy, bitterness or any number of negative things to hold on to; or, we can choose love, growth, healing, wholeness, gratitude, and joy. No it is not always easy to “choose” love. Sometimes we feel justified in holding onto a grudge. There is room for us to feel our feelings & grieve for what is, was, or should have/could have been. 

Love is not something that is earned. Love is not something that is made.

Love is the original manufacture default setting on our emotional hard drives. 

Love is eternal & pure energy, light, and matter. Love gives & receives freely and is not a respecter of persons.  Love just is. It is not something I can make go away or stop existing simply by blocking, hiding, running away, or denying its creative powers. Love is ours for the experiencing. Love is a choice. It was, after all, our very first choice.

The take home message: If I can love my son in his childlike and more pure form, then perhaps I could see other people this way too: whole, full of light, radiant & beaming, divine, destined to become like Gods & Goddesses in majesty & power, full of love, and non-judgmental. My children are helping me see that the love is already there & that all I need to do is let go & let love.