Growing in Love & Why I'm Not Falling in “It” Anymore!

ACT 1: The Fall—Shh...it.

“Once Upon A Time,” is usually how the fairy tale love stories begin. While the message is culturally strong from an early age, it does little to actually clue you in on what real love is like. Growing up and through personal experiences I came to believe that love was very conditional and that the sacrifice of my entire being was a requirement for it. This meant giving up everything about myself in behalf of another in the name of so-called LOVE.

That form of love is counterfeit and there's a reason they are called “characters” in a story because they're all acting. None of it is real. Instead there's a great deal of fear and shame around it. All the questions and the “what-if's,” wondering if you'll ever be anything enough. It's the kind where you stay together because you're supposed to, because you're not a quitter, and you don't believe in divorce. So, you stay in something horribly unhealthy for the sake of the kids, your pocketbook, survival, or any other slew of reasons (and that's okay, for a while). You stay because there might be judgment and you worry what others might think of or say to you. You worry that you're a failure and that somehow you're now damaged goods and no one will take that lightly. So, you stay longer and they leave instead of you and it hurts.

Sometimes you're finally done playing with a character and you find yourself another character that turns out to be awfully similar to the previous one. There's a pattern here. What is it? While I'm the common denominator in all the stories it still does not make the experiences any more pleasant or acceptable. That desperation and fear of being alone has a price—you. So, you stay because that last time didn't leave a bruise and there weren't any injuries you could prove and who would believe it anyway. You stay because they lie and have you totally convinced it's all your fault and that if you just did things the right way, their way, everything would run smoothly. You stay because you can think of a million ways it could all work if you just stay and think positive thoughts. You stay because you want to prove to them that they're loved unconditionally, by you. Who would want to deal with that sort of baggage while you sort through it all? You stay because, again, who would want to be with you after all this and there's probably no one better than this?

And then, you try again with another character and fall flat on your face realizing that in a short amount of time you've done it again and it stings, though this time there was progress... While on the ground with your face in the mud the only option is what's right in front of you if you accept what is and surrender to it. You notice the pattern a lot sooner & begin choosing a different way. A way whereby you hold on to who you are as a person regardless of any outside circumstances. One where you stop over-giving to get love & start investing in yourself, fully. A story where you embrace being alone and enjoy it consistently because you love you. A hero's journey in being present moment-to-moment: centered, grounded, peaceful, joyful, clear, and finally safe at home in your own body. You are free to love because you are LOVE.

I no longer believe in the myth of “falling in love”. The term fall from my perspective looks an awful lot like Ego in disguise. When we pedestal or debase ourselves or others we're setting ourselves up for imminent failure. No one could possibly remain unequal for an indefinite amount of time and not pay the price. At some breaking point the one above will fall out of grace and/or the one below will rise from the ashes if they choose to shift it. No, I'm not going to put myself through the false kind of shame-based love called Shh...it any more. No more secrecy. No more hiding. No more pretending like everything's a rainbow when it's just plain ugly. No more overriding authenticity. The jig is up. Shit is not what love is made of. That is called falling in Ego with someone and it's terribly insecure.

Act 2: Seeds of Truth—Growth is a Natural Flow

I'm happy to report that I was wrong, painfully, very wrong about what I thought love was like. The painful part was necessarily what it took to come to the awakened and contrasting realization that pure love does not involve fear at all. Pure love is a lot like the scripture in 1 Corinthians 13:

Love, love is patient, love is kind
Love does not worry, does not boast
It is not proud, it is not rude
It is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs

Love never fails, never fails

Love does not delight in evil
Love, I'll always protect
Always trust, always hope
And it will push me
Love rejoices in truth

As cheesy as it all sounds it's incredibly true. This kind of love is what I call “growing in love”. It is where seeds of trust are firmly planted and nurtured over time by consistent acts of kindness, compassion, empathy, service, laughter, gentleness, patience, protectiveness (different than defensive, jealous, or possessive), attention, care, peace, clarity, and concern. This love looks like serving for the pure joy of it, not because anyone is broken or helpless, but because you're both equally whole and magnificent on your own and desire to share that with those around you.

This is expansive, infinite, brilliant, and edifying. It's all encompassing without being consuming. It's a wholehearted experience that involves body, mind, heart, and spirit. It's about the connection and flow and reflecting and magnifying all that is good while embracing the deepest parts of ourselves and those around us. It looks like being fully present to what is and sitting in your sacred, vulnerable, raw, unfiltered heart-space together. It looks like healthy detachment meaning there aren't very many expectations and instead are goals for personal growth and healthy interdependence. It looks like not knowing or needing to know the exact outcome and instead enjoying the journey together one step at a time. It's the kind of love that simply, powerfully changes the entire world one set of sun-kissed eyes at a time. It's the kind where being brave is encouraged and so is being true to yourself.

The good news is that this isn't limited to romantic relationships and is especially helpful with relating to yourself. It's the kind of filter than is far-reaching and most everyone can learn to apply and practice it more. Think about what it is you want more of in your life and be that, be the shift you wish to see. So... how will you show up for yourself today? Will you love yourself unconditionally and passionately? What is your personal relationship mission statement?

After years and years of hellish relating and shifting the patterns of scarcity and codependency I have finally come across a person who mirrors what true love is to me. Together we stand even stronger in supporting the greater good within each other and the world. Together we co-create with God by living authentically from our hearts. We honor ourselves in each moment and thereby honor each other. We live fully invested in the present and reside in a space of sacred rest. We are Wholeness Restored.

The Perfect Illusion: A Memoir of My Former Lover

I'm now realizing that relationships tend to end the way they begin and in our case it was fast and furious with a side of “why the hell not?”! It didn't start out as alarmingly obvious. No, that took nearly 2 years from when we first met to today to completely unfold and implode while still exploding in my face.

My first experience with a girlfriend was a total nightmare. If there were 4 songs to represent our relationship they would be: Perfect Illusion, by Lady Gaga; Toxic, by Britney Spears; and Send My Love (To Your New Lover), by Adele; Oh, and our “song” was also perfect, Break Your Heart, by Taio Cruz. Yes, those all sum it all up quite truthfully.

The way we met was rather unexpected and obscure, and took me by surprise. I was flattered that you were interested in me and genuinely wanted to get to know me and about some of the things I love. You were seductive at the time and knew what you wanted in certain areas of life. You were a go-getter and I was on that list.

Somehow I was completely oblivious to how much you were into me and when we met in person I had a stiff amount of judgment I projected onto you. I was scared, and taking baby steps on being my true self felt death defying at the time. So, I pushed you away with the ever classic ghosting approach. I couldn't believe I did that to you and I hated when others did that to me. I never liked not knowing why someone wasn't interested anymore. Still I worked on getting more comfortable with my sexuality and my heart leaped at the chance to experience the thrills with you.

It was fun while it lasted. There was a sense of adventure and risk that I had never experienced before. It felt like I was the teenager I never allowed myself to be before. It was so opening, liberating, freeing, and amazing and I was definitely smitten by your charm.

We went back and forth a lot and couldn't decide whether we wanted to be together or not. By the end of 14 months of dating I estimate 6-7 breakups. Neither of us should have stayed with each other that long. Each time we broke up we just missed each other terribly and we were familiar, so we danced in the relationship a little longer.

Hardly anyone knew of the struggles and turmoil beneath the surface. While there were a lot of great things there were some pretty terrible ones too. I couldn't stand when you would drink too much. You became a different person and it was very emotionally, verbally, and at times physically abusive. One of the hardest parts was that you wouldn't remember what you said or did the next day. I was living with the painful wounds of what had been done. You would beg and plead me not to leave and I would put up with it, assuage you, and try to make it all better. I wanted to show you that someone could love you unconditionally, no matter what.

I realize now that it was awfully codependent of me to take on the role of caretaker with you. I set aside my needs and put you 1st when what I really needed was safety emotionally and physically. I put spiritual blinders on and overrode my own intuition on numerous occasions in the name of “love”.

What I forgot in all of it is that I needed to love myself first and to allow you to do the same for yourself. I forgot that I can love you or anyone else with as much heart as I can give, but I can't make you or anyone else receive it because you and they have to love themselves too. My inner child needed me to be her champion, and for a long time I kept telling her to “piper down!” And that's where my breaking point came into play.

I couldn't take the swearing, yelling, name calling or other forms of self-abuse projected at me anymore. I know it wasn't personal, but it felt humiliating and degrading. The things you said were your shame and your story, not mine, and I wasn't going to accept them as mine any longer.

Sure, I had a hard time not being girlfriends anymore, but that had nothing to do with the way things ended. The loving thing for me to do at 1 am that day was to make you dinner and ask if you wanted a plate as a good and caring friend. There wasn't neediness for attention in my desire to serve you, not even an ounce. Instead I was utterly bewildered at such a peculiar response which didn't fit the question or the situation. I was perplexed and wondering if I had inadvertently stepped into the Twilight Zone. It was a turning point and it was time for me to leave.

I had hoped you would cool down and see things more clearly later on, much like we had many, many times before. This time proved to be quite different though and you shut me out completely and didn't say a word. I had nothing to go on, no updates, no closure just a gaping wound for both of us. I gave you distance and space, and still no response.

It was agonizing not knowing how you were doing along the way. I still cared very deeply for you. I don't know why you pushed me with such energetic force or if it was even you initiating the process of doing so. It hurt that you couldn't give the decency of telling me yourself that you didn't want to be friends anymore & that I had to hear it from a 3rd party which may not even be accurate to what you actually felt. Still, it's all I had to go on and I did the best I could with what I had.

I started piecing together that you changed a lot starting back when you started going on weekends with some “friends”. I can't say for certain what has or has not happened between the two of you prior to us breaking up especially since substances were involved. What I can say is you started being belligerent, wouldn't look me in the eyes, avoided having any intimacy together, and wouldn't be physically affectionate in public anymore. You would yell, swear, and name call out in public and in private on a regular basis. You kept the other “friend” in the loop with everything going on and not me at all. When she showed up you acted as if I no longer existed or meant anything to you. I'm not dumb and I could see the way you two looked at each other. *And now I know you two got married to each other and I wish you the best.

I didn't want to see what was going on because I genuinely don't think in those terms. I'm not a cheater, liar, or manipulator so I don't assume someone is going to do that to me. I know we wouldn't have ever worked out at all and I don't see why things had to end so horribly. Maybe it's what you needed to get out of being with me and to make sure I really got the message that things were over. Maybe you want someone who has more sugar to offer you with less of an expectation of commitment and loyalty. Maybe you wanted someone who wasn't so fucking vulnerable and emotional all the time. And all of that's okay. You ended it in a really shitty way though and could have just told me what you were feeling.

So yes, I can't, won't, and will never be friends with you ever again because I deserve so much better. I deserve to have the kind of people in my life who are sweet, thoughtful, kind, considerate, loving, compassionate, understanding, and love me exactly where I'm at in all my “boring-ness”. I like it that way. I don't need to drink or smoke anything to feel, to love, to be open, or to have fun. We were destined to make an explosion together and that is precisely what happened.

I am grateful for the things I learned about myself. I learned how to be more comfortable with myself, loosen up a little, love fearlessly regardless of the consequence, and to appreciate things as they are because you never know when you're going to loose someone you “love” very much. I was broken open and I'm stronger for it. I now believe I deserve a much different kind of love because I love myself more. I have risen from the ashes like the Phoenix that I am and I'm soaring higher than ever before.

I now fully understand the phrase a counselor once told me, “If he's/she's charming, I'm running!” I was hooked, addicted, infatuated, and a bit obsessed with you. You were my drug of choice. Everything was so real to me and I believed every word you told me. Now I know it was all a lie, one big, elaborate series of lies. It wasn't love at all. It was counterfeit from the start. It was the perfect illusion. 

A Practice in Being Present: Roller Coasters

I feel like an energetic Disney World is right around the corner. I'm on the precipice of great things, just not quite yet. It's the feeling you get as you're sitting strapped down in a roller coaster car. You're secretly hoping everything goes as it usually does in it's proper motion, and you don't get stuck somewhere on the tracks and have to wait for hours to be rescued dangling high above the air. It's the moment when you feel the weight, pressure, gravity, force, and pull as your hear the clicks and chinks going up, up, up and your body hunkers down in the seat.

And then it seems as if time is standing still. There's the anticipation of the thrilling free-fall and sense of freedom and relief. Then there's elation and a bit of, "What did I just get myself into? What did I sign myself up for? Too late now!"

And then before you know it you're twisting and turning, looping quickly around and you come to a sudden stop and a slow reeling in until you're fully back to the platform. It's time to get out & you're still processing what just happened. "Was I present in the moment? Was I absent or disconnected from my body? Where were my thoughts?"

I'm guessing most passengers don't psychoanalyze the experience and just go a long with the ride. Now I'm noticing I take myself too seriously in my attempt to assign meaning to something that is designed to be a journey and not a final destination. It's designed to be a momentary pleasure that can be relieved over and over for the sheer joy of it. *Screeching halt & a face palm...

Now what? Oh, I need to get out of my head and into my heart. I need to get out more and play for the fun of it. I need to practice letting go of what I think something does or doesn't mean and let it be. I'll have to let you know what magical things I learn from jumping out of an airplane when that day comes. Until then, be silly, play until your heart is full, and sing a happy song and see what comes along. Carpe diem my friends!

Lucky 13: Post-Divorce or Breakup Words of Wisdom

So much has been going on in my life lately that I forgot what it's like to be with myself for a bit. Amid all the challenges, struggles, changes, and blessings I have managed to disconnect. As I was working I thought about all sorts of things, and then it all slowly slipped in to my vulnerable, open heart.

Today's date popped into my head. “Wait, it's the 28th today?! It would have been my 13^th wedding anniversary.” And so, I'm reflecting. The phrase “Lucky 13” keeps popping up and I'm sitting with it. So much has changed in those 13 years, especially in the 5 years since the divorce.

It used to be so painful for me to even think about. I hated seeing happy couples together because it reminded me of what I didn't have anymore and what I could have had. It was painful to see what appeared to be happy families together. I wanted to hide out and check out and be virtually invisible. I didn't want the well-meaning, though often mislead, awkward conversations. I didn't want the judgment, pity, shame, guilt, or the dating questions. I felt it would have been easier if there was a physical death of some kind because then there's a sense of finality and permanence to it that didn't require an explanation of what “went wrong.”

My marriage died and it was a sharp, ugly death. There was nothing pretty about the gut-wrenching nights of crying myself to sleep, the panic attacks, the depression and suicidal thoughts that set in, the frequent arguments, and seemingly endless therapy appointments. No, that was brutal and raw. And it stayed that way for a while. The shock didn't last forever, and the numbing sadness with the fake-it-till-you-make-it motions took over. I was in survival mode.

Life goes on as it always does and eventually I got back on board to pick myself up. Faced with uncertainty and with a lot of support from family & friends I began to piece myself back together. I opted for vocational schooling with 2 young children to raise and found myself mysteriously enrolled in massage school. People ask how I ended up there & I tell them “I blame God for that one.” And I'm totally serious. God told me one day to go to massage school, which was completely absurd in my mind given my life experience and background. So I did, and now I can see why (and that's a different story).

I've since attended the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT, Soul Integrity & Aura Personalities, and taken Reiki, in addition to many professional counselors and other complimentary therapies over the years. So many things have been instrumental in serving me to see myself and consequently others more clearly.

As I reflect on the lessons from divorce I have learned here's the 13 pieces of advice I'd give my former self of 5 years ago with my current perspective:

1. He and I were supposed to be together long enough to get us to the sick-and-tired stage...so that we could CHANGE. We weren't good together in a spouse relationship.
2. We had karmic, sacred contracts with each other that needed to be fulfilled. We had the option of learning more about ourselves through the depths of radical self-inquiry that followed.
3. The disaster of a marriage was the Perfect Storm and the catalyst we both needed to move forward in a more authentic direction individually and collectively.
4. Honoring yourself always honors others. Sometimes things end because it's no longer serving both parties. It sucks, and sometimes it's entirely necessary. We need to stand up for ourselves and set and maintain boundaries. Trust me, it takes a lot of practice and the process is rather messy!
5. Lawyers and anyone to do with a team of lawyers are expensive. Definitely get a good one who will realistically tell you what your rights are. It's an investment and you end up paying more if you don't do it professionally the 1^st time.
6. Keeping your ego in check is a lot of fucking work! Yes, you will likely say stupid things at one point or another, sometimes a lot of dumb stuff comes out. For your own sanity, do your best not to make a habit of it. Therapy helped me through a lot of this as well as soul-path work.
7. Be your own best friend and advocate. Date yourself! Take care of yourself! Do what you've always dreamed of doing and daydream about it. Find a way to love yourself. Fall madly, passionately in-love with yourself. You are your own best friend. Get comfortable with being alone because you're the only one who can be there for you 100% of the time.
8. Be the kind of person you'd like to be with. Forgive yourself on a regular basis. You're very human and also divine.
9. Your kids will turn out however they need to. They will make their own decisions about life and how they interpret what has happened. The best thing you could do is show them how to love and think for themselves by example.
10. It's only a failure if you refuse to learn from it. Learning is always an option. The lessons are by no means easy or instant, yet they are absolutely worth it. Oh, and totally cry and ask for help if you need it. We're all human & we're all in this together. Emotions are your strength too.
11. Sometimes people change more than you realize. Be open to changing yourself and let the rest go. Codependency isn't going to make anything better. All you can do is sweep your side of the street and focus on what you need to do. The only business that's yours to worry about is your own. There's no need to explain yourself to whomever the “other” person is. You know your heart & that's good enough.
12. Someday the other person will likely move on and so will you. Some days you will be tempted to be jealous or feel like it's not fair. Honor and validate the depths. It's okay. You love who you are and all is well. You enjoy your company. It's also okay to be genuinely happy for yourself and others. Everyone is designed to feel love and joy. Follow that feeling and you'll be free.
13. Sometimes you get “lucky” and people change for the better, yourself included. It's not really luck though. It takes years of work and conscious practice thousands and thousands of times. It's worth it to have a better relationship for the kids.

So, do I feel lucky? I'm not sure I do. I do feel a lot of gratitude that I have been able to find myself in all of this and could love myself more fully and clearly. I wouldn't wish these kinds of experiences on anyone or ask to repeat them in my own life. Yet, I am grateful for the lessons that have come because of them. Divorce has come to mean a lot of things for me over the years and mostly now I can honestly say it's changed me for the better.

Glennon Doyle Melton shared a quote of hers a while back and it stuck with me. I'm not sure she intended it it to be my new definition of successful relationship regardless of it the other person and I stay together in the same context. She said, “A marriage is not only a success if it lasts forever, but if it changes both partners into more loving, free, wise, brave, kind, whole beings.” With that in mind I can say that I've had a successful divorce by my own definition. One where we've learned and grown far more from being apart and being with ourselves than we ever could have accomplished together. We're both more awake now, more compassionate, more kind, and more loving. It's something we both chose on our own and it's making our kids' lives that much better.

All relationships are a dance with parts of ourselves reflected back to us. The beauty is in seeing ourselves more clearly and loving the entire masterpiece full of contrasts. Welcome to the dance of life my loves!

Landslide Brought You Down?

Sometimes life can feel utterly overwhelming and yesterday was like that for me and many people I know. I couldn't hold back or maintain "composure". I cried getting massaged and afterward too. I pulled myself together to spend time with my boys, and again found that the swelling of emotions just kept spilling over.

At the end of the day I found myself crying on the floor at a toy store. I had just made a mindful plea wishing I just had a friend to sit with me. Minutes later an old friend I hadn't seen in years walked right by me and upon a second look realized who I was. She sat with me for a while and listened to the snapshot of what was going on and held space for me. We hugged and I thanked her for being there for me.

On the way home I saw the way the light was breaking through the storm clouds and in that moment I identified with that. God wants the light to break forth through me. God is working a beautiful miracle within me and bringing light to some of the darkest parts of my experiences. I am reminded that in the tempestuous storm a new day always comes and light follows the dark.

God is excellent at new beginnings. I've noticed a pattern over the years in my life and they tend to be big sweeping changes all at once. Rather than the painstaking process of having me remodel an outmoded belief system he sends in a landslide. He takes care of the demolition and tells me it's time to move forward and be open to new things however they show up. My job then becomes to love what is.

As I search for meaning in all of this, in all the feelings of nothingness I wrestle a bit with ego on self-worth. Ego would have me believe that I'm a failure and that I'm weak and incapable. Ego would have me believe that my worth is directly correlated to the status of my bank account, relationships, career, or any other constructs it deems "worthy" of importance.

What am I left with when nearly everything has systematically been removed, taken away, or walked out of my life? What is left when I'm left with next to nothing? What happens when you've hit rock bottom before in your life and come to realize that there's a new rock bottom you never expected?

Well, I'm here to tell you and to remind myself that in the wake of the storm the only thing that's left is you—beautiful, adorable, sweet and messy you. All that's left is what you started with and that's Love. Nothing can add or take away your value. You are valuable simply because you exist and that's all there is to it.

As I reflect on how I have been feeling I am grateful that I am feeling. I'm grateful for beautiful people in my life who encourage me to be vulnerable, authentic, and honor myself. They remind me of who I am, that there is strength even in weakness, that things will work out, and I'll be stronger for it. 

I am grateful to have the ease of access to so many wonderful outlets and resources and for the power of my God-given gifts and abilities, especially my voice. I am grateful to experience healing on so many levels for myself and for the privilege of being able to hold space and witness others do the same for themselves. I'm grateful for the ugly tears and sadness and for laughter that also brings cleansing.

So, my fellow Warriors of Love, when in doubt love yourself more! Take it one moment and one day at a time. You're not alone in your suffering or your pain and someday a little bit of joy might creep in again. And when you're not sure what to do, practice nurturing and being with yourself. After all, you are your own best investment. Remember where there is peace, clarity, and joy there is your path. It may not logically make sense and that's okay. Just lean into the discomfort and trust that God and the entire Universe have got your back. You'll be okay. I promise. Love on Warriors, love on.