Growing in Love & Why I'm Not Falling in “It” Anymore!

ACT 1: The Fall—Shh...it.

“Once Upon A Time,” is usually how the fairy tale love stories begin. While the message is culturally strong from an early age, it does little to actually clue you in on what real love is like. Growing up and through personal experiences I came to believe that love was very conditional and that the sacrifice of my entire being was a requirement for it. This meant giving up everything about myself in behalf of another in the name of so-called LOVE.

That form of love is counterfeit and there's a reason they are called “characters” in a story because they're all acting. None of it is real. Instead there's a great deal of fear and shame around it. All the questions and the “what-if's,” wondering if you'll ever be anything enough. It's the kind where you stay together because you're supposed to, because you're not a quitter, and you don't believe in divorce. So, you stay in something horribly unhealthy for the sake of the kids, your pocketbook, survival, or any other slew of reasons (and that's okay, for a while). You stay because there might be judgment and you worry what others might think of or say to you. You worry that you're a failure and that somehow you're now damaged goods and no one will take that lightly. So, you stay longer and they leave instead of you and it hurts.

Sometimes you're finally done playing with a character and you find yourself another character that turns out to be awfully similar to the previous one. There's a pattern here. What is it? While I'm the common denominator in all the stories it still does not make the experiences any more pleasant or acceptable. That desperation and fear of being alone has a price—you. So, you stay because that last time didn't leave a bruise and there weren't any injuries you could prove and who would believe it anyway. You stay because they lie and have you totally convinced it's all your fault and that if you just did things the right way, their way, everything would run smoothly. You stay because you can think of a million ways it could all work if you just stay and think positive thoughts. You stay because you want to prove to them that they're loved unconditionally, by you. Who would want to deal with that sort of baggage while you sort through it all? You stay because, again, who would want to be with you after all this and there's probably no one better than this?

And then, you try again with another character and fall flat on your face realizing that in a short amount of time you've done it again and it stings, though this time there was progress... While on the ground with your face in the mud the only option is what's right in front of you if you accept what is and surrender to it. You notice the pattern a lot sooner & begin choosing a different way. A way whereby you hold on to who you are as a person regardless of any outside circumstances. One where you stop over-giving to get love & start investing in yourself, fully. A story where you embrace being alone and enjoy it consistently because you love you. A hero's journey in being present moment-to-moment: centered, grounded, peaceful, joyful, clear, and finally safe at home in your own body. You are free to love because you are LOVE.

I no longer believe in the myth of “falling in love”. The term fall from my perspective looks an awful lot like Ego in disguise. When we pedestal or debase ourselves or others we're setting ourselves up for imminent failure. No one could possibly remain unequal for an indefinite amount of time and not pay the price. At some breaking point the one above will fall out of grace and/or the one below will rise from the ashes if they choose to shift it. No, I'm not going to put myself through the false kind of shame-based love called Shh...it any more. No more secrecy. No more hiding. No more pretending like everything's a rainbow when it's just plain ugly. No more overriding authenticity. The jig is up. Shit is not what love is made of. That is called falling in Ego with someone and it's terribly insecure.

Act 2: Seeds of Truth—Growth is a Natural Flow

I'm happy to report that I was wrong, painfully, very wrong about what I thought love was like. The painful part was necessarily what it took to come to the awakened and contrasting realization that pure love does not involve fear at all. Pure love is a lot like the scripture in 1 Corinthians 13:

Love, love is patient, love is kind
Love does not worry, does not boast
It is not proud, it is not rude
It is not easily angered
Love keeps no record of wrongs

Love never fails, never fails

Love does not delight in evil
Love, I'll always protect
Always trust, always hope
And it will push me
Love rejoices in truth

As cheesy as it all sounds it's incredibly true. This kind of love is what I call “growing in love”. It is where seeds of trust are firmly planted and nurtured over time by consistent acts of kindness, compassion, empathy, service, laughter, gentleness, patience, protectiveness (different than defensive, jealous, or possessive), attention, care, peace, clarity, and concern. This love looks like serving for the pure joy of it, not because anyone is broken or helpless, but because you're both equally whole and magnificent on your own and desire to share that with those around you.

This is expansive, infinite, brilliant, and edifying. It's all encompassing without being consuming. It's a wholehearted experience that involves body, mind, heart, and spirit. It's about the connection and flow and reflecting and magnifying all that is good while embracing the deepest parts of ourselves and those around us. It looks like being fully present to what is and sitting in your sacred, vulnerable, raw, unfiltered heart-space together. It looks like healthy detachment meaning there aren't very many expectations and instead are goals for personal growth and healthy interdependence. It looks like not knowing or needing to know the exact outcome and instead enjoying the journey together one step at a time. It's the kind of love that simply, powerfully changes the entire world one set of sun-kissed eyes at a time. It's the kind where being brave is encouraged and so is being true to yourself.

The good news is that this isn't limited to romantic relationships and is especially helpful with relating to yourself. It's the kind of filter than is far-reaching and most everyone can learn to apply and practice it more. Think about what it is you want more of in your life and be that, be the shift you wish to see. So... how will you show up for yourself today? Will you love yourself unconditionally and passionately? What is your personal relationship mission statement?

After years and years of hellish relating and shifting the patterns of scarcity and codependency I have finally come across a person who mirrors what true love is to me. Together we stand even stronger in supporting the greater good within each other and the world. Together we co-create with God by living authentically from our hearts. We honor ourselves in each moment and thereby honor each other. We live fully invested in the present and reside in a space of sacred rest. We are Wholeness Restored.