Growth Becomes Me

When I started an alternative school a year ago I knew this was the place I needed to be at this time in my life. I did not realize what I was really signing up for & how much time & energy I would put into it, and consequently invest in myself. This school, the experience, is what you make of it. I have truly transformed into a renewed woman and if I were to read the “story” of how I did life before, I wouldn't believe it was the same person standing here.

I used to ask God the “Why me?” question. The questions I use more often are now:

·                 Why not me?

·                 What would you have me learn? Am I willing to learn it?

·                 What do you want me to do with this information & how could I use it to bless myself and others through you?

·                 What is it I really want?

·                 What will I do to create a new truth today?

The answers are not always immediately clear, or in the way, or time-frame I’d like. The answers will always come. They are replied to in the commanding affirmatives:

·                 You learn well.

·                 I have nourished and nurtured you all these years.

·                 I trust you. You have gifts to bless those around you and I know you will do it with love, compassion, and empathy. You can relate.

·                 I love you passionately and want you to know and feel me personally.

·                 You are a co-creator. The word is creative. Speak well & speak wisely.

From the present looking back I am able to see a different perspective. God does not make mistakes. He creates miracles! My greatest gifts and lessons have come from the darkest & most anguished parts of life experiences. For it is in the darkness that my greatest treasures can be found as I focus on the light I see there.

Some of the hardest things this last year were learning to walk away. In the Four Agreements it states, “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.” I have learned to make different choices and to stand up for myself. I have learned to change my thought processes. 

Changes in belief systems always precede a change in behavior. It is not until we fully recognize the what, when, how, and why of the belief that we can come to a place of greater awareness & informed choosing. We must come to an understanding of what our behavior costs us & what it is we really want. Is what you're doing getting you what you really want? Or, is what you're doing getting you what you fear most?

You create that which you most concern yourself with, what you put the most thought, time and energy into. That which we resist persists. I believed that I was unworthy of love & I found a way to validate my erroneous and egotistical belief. I even blocked my relationship with God because I felt I didn't even deserve his love. 

When we clarify our intent and purpose life happens more beautifully. We become clean, pure, whole, and full of light. We find joy and peace in purposeful living.

In processing one of my favorite questions asked are, "What is the truth about you? What is the whole truth? What have you learned from these experiences? Who have you become because of this?"

I now know these truths: I love myself enough to let go of huge fears that get in the way of having fun & enjoying outings with my family. I am vulnerable, open & honest. I am willing to get out of my zone of extreme safety and try some new things, and who knows, I might even like them. I am balanced in family, friends, and work. My family remains my first priority & I continue to learn and grow from them.

I live my life passionately, clearly, and with power and purpose. I look in the mirror and think, “Damn, I look good! How did I get to be so lucky to be me?” Yes, I am confident & self-assured. I speak & live in my truth. I know who I am. I am beautiful, kind, loving, and there’s no one else quite like me. I am my own person. I look forward to helping others transcend their painful experiences into positive passion and self-love as I have for myself. I grow in grace & I grow in God. Growth and healing becomes me. I am miraculous.

Lessons on Love

One night, I pretended to be asleep in my son’s bed. I told him that he had to sing me a song & tuck me in. He said, “Okay!” We decided that he could sing me the ABC’s or twinkle, twinkle. He chose the ABC’s. He starts singing enthusiastically & around the letter "P" interrupts and says, “Let me in!” and jumped in right next to me in his bed. We laughed together. “Let me in!” is now a term of endearment between my son & I. God certainly gave me young men to raise to learn how to love more fully and to become healed and balanced with male and female energy. I am more aware of my divided heart and mind on the matter of boys & men & how I fit in to the equation.

Children are natural teachers, but am I willing to learn the lessons they have for me? Can I really accept myself wholly and completely as a woman, and likewise do the same for men?

A girls’ first love is her Father. Not in a weird sort of way, but in a “I need your love, support, approval, affection, time, energy, and care, to know that I’m okay, that I’m good enough, that I can do anything, and that life really will work out and I can have my needs met, kind of way.”

Insecurity can have a lot to do with the fact that we left our previous Father and Mother figure & our life with them to come here to our earthly parents. We look to our fathers and mothers to fulfill certain roles & needs in our lives. For some of us the veil closing was & is quite frustrating. Personally I interpreted a deep level of rejection, because as a baby or young child the word “no” gets translated into all sorts of belief systems like “you don’t love me,” and having the veil close felt like a strong "you can't have that."

Most of my life I have desperately wanted love & approval. I wanted to fill the void of loneliness and fear—the feelings of not being good enough and that I was unworthy & undeserving of love. I believed that I couldn't have those things because I was bad (I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't get that perfect love every instance when I wanted—no human could ever meet everyone’s expectations all the time, especially as a little kid with constant needs). Even God himself cannot grant us every single wish we have, what, when, and how we want it. Life doesn't flow very well with forceful demands, demand frustrates plans.

So, here I am as an adult on the outside, healing from experiences where I determined negative things about myself & the world around me, operating as a child on the inside. I typically don’t trust most people & don’t see why I would. Granted, I don’t want to feel this way on a logical/cognitive level. Emotionally though, I've been hurt so much that I keep my fences up almost all the time. No one gets in or out unless I say so.

What’s that? You might want to get to know me anyway? Okay. You’ll need to take some rigorous tests first. I need you to fill out this application as well to make sure you’re qualified to receive these tests…There is a disclaimer & waiver to sign for as well. In the event that you are hurt it is in no way my fault…Uh huh? No, insurance isn't accepted here. Sorry.  

So, I put people through rigorous tests & obstacle courses to see if they really love me after all. Really what I’m doing is validating my egotistical belief that I don’t deserve love and emotional intimacy with anyone & that I’ll be rejected. It serves as a protective barrier. My behaviors & results align perfectly with my thoughts & beliefs. Funny how that works…

I do want love, trust, good conversations, quality time, a listening ear and heart, etc. Those are all great things to want and I can have them. The deal is, I have to possess those feelings and not only think those happy thoughts, but I have to believe them to be true before I can have what I want/need.

So what am I giving up or losing out on when I operate this way?
 

I am giving up my power when I allow the actions, or in-actions of others to determine my self-worth (external locus of control). As someone recently pointed out I’m “shooting the wrong bull’s-eye”. I want everyone to earn, prove, and win my love before I’ll let them in even a tiny bit. It’s exhausting to have to hit every layer of a target—how many rings are there anyway? That could change depending on the day and I could send them back to the start just like a never-ending game of Sorry, Aggravation, or Chutes & Ladders. How defeating is that? Sheesh that takes a lot of energy to maintain, no wonder I get exhausted & burnt out. 

I have not let people in nor have I made it easy or inviting to try. As others make their efforts I have shot arrows at their eyes while they are trying to connect with me. Why the eyes? So they can’t see how “bad” I am of course! I make a run for it too. I have made it really difficult to have the closeness and trust I that I really want! I feel like I’ll get rejected so I beat the person to it by pushing them away. Smart idea when you’re 2 or 4 maybe, not so great to hold onto at 29. (In my head I’m picturing the old belief system like a bad scene from Titanic, “I’ll never let go…” Well, sorry Charley, this ship has sailed!)

So, who or what is to blame for our plight or suffering? If we feel we have lost out on something or that we have been hurt, damaged, or victimized it’s not love’s fault for letting us down.

When people talk about love they often say things about what it isn't or that “love made them do it”. Or how about the phrase, “all is fair in love and war”? Well, to hell with that faulty thinking because nothing is really fair in war (how do you think war happened in the first place?… it depends on each person’s perception of what’s fair: subjective thinking for sure). I also have beef with the belief that “time heals all wounds”. If by time, you mean love, then yes, it is true. Time in and of itself doesn't do anything. Time allows us the ability to continue to make choices. We can choose hate, spite, envy, jealousy, bitterness or any number of negative things to hold on to; or, we can choose love, growth, healing, wholeness, gratitude, and joy. No it is not always easy to “choose” love. Sometimes we feel justified in holding onto a grudge. There is room for us to feel our feelings & grieve for what is, was, or should have/could have been. 

Love is not something that is earned. Love is not something that is made.

Love is the original manufacture default setting on our emotional hard drives. 

Love is eternal & pure energy, light, and matter. Love gives & receives freely and is not a respecter of persons.  Love just is. It is not something I can make go away or stop existing simply by blocking, hiding, running away, or denying its creative powers. Love is ours for the experiencing. Love is a choice. It was, after all, our very first choice.

The take home message: If I can love my son in his childlike and more pure form, then perhaps I could see other people this way too: whole, full of light, radiant & beaming, divine, destined to become like Gods & Goddesses in majesty & power, full of love, and non-judgmental. My children are helping me see that the love is already there & that all I need to do is let go & let love.

Anger Games: Seeing the Truth Beyond the Lies

The DarkSide of the Light Chasers is a book by Debbie Ford that can completely shift your paradigm. I can’t go back to not knowing or being aware of its teachings. It is a clear principle of truth.

Social mirrors are sometimes the hardest & best looks at our own self. Initially I didn't like this knowledge, and sometimes I still don’t because it means something about me. Other times the reflection serves as a reminder of how far I have come & how I have grown. There is always a choice between the dark & the light side. It is in the darkness that we find the greatest treasures of gold & light.

The following is an exploration of the dark & light side of my anger.

Anger Games: Seeing the Truth Beyond the Lies

I’m afraid of getting angry because of who I feel I am when I exude it. I don’t like it. I feel out of control, like a monster, I get enraged and scary. So, what am I going to do about it? I’m going to “F” my anger. Fear it. Feel it. Face it. Forgive it. Free it.

Abraham Lincoln said, “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” One of my biggest fears is anger and I intend on making it my good friend. By facing the fear, walking through the damp mists of darkness, embracing it, loving it, I am letting go of the power I give to anger and making room for Love: Both valuable friends with whom I can consult, learn, and grow from.

At weekend training for school I had a major breakthrough about my “Anger Games”. I didn't want to let go of any of it. I’m glad I was surrounded by people I trust well because I didn't want to face it. I wanted it all to go away without any effort on my part. Secretly, I've had a love affair with anger as long as I can remember. We took care of each other like a happy, twisted, parasitical, codependent relationship does. I fed my soul with its power and was addicted to it. It was the life-blood flowing in my veins and was an integral part of living and existing in this world. I didn't know what to do without it. I’m pretty sure there are many generations before me that had the same pattern of thinking, believing, behaving, and living. Now what?

When the time came to look my fear of anger in the eyes I rose. I was so scared, shaking and trembling at the very thought of confronting my core belief systems. I imagined myself standing on a tree several feet above the ground, swaying in the wind at the top of a small platform. In front of me was a large ring on a rope that I was supposed to grab. The question was, “What do you want?!” My reply came, “I WANT LOVE!” “Now, how are you going to get it? How can you get closer to what you want…?” I breathed in courage and yelled, “I want love. I am tired of being angry! My anger can go to Hell! Anger is not my friend anymore! And I WANT LOVE!” I jumped with all my strength knowing that I would get that much closer to what I wanted. To my surprise, I touched the ring. Triumph! I was exhausted and had let go of the power I had consented anger to have over me.

That was the beginning of a beautiful journey. Less than 24 hours ago I wrote the following:

Dear Anger, 

I'm breaking up with you! I will soon have a ridiculously long letter written for you regarding the details of our relationship and what was good about it & what didn't work so well & why we won't be together that much anymore. I know you'll be fine. And this time it is you, not me, and I am not going to carry you anymore. I can handle only so much of you. I'm replacing you with Love.

With much gratitude, 

My Best Self

Why anger? I use anger to get: love, safety, power, protection, comfort, connection, caring, justification, validation, temporary relief, to avoid my real feelings and dealing with them, motivation, a reason to keep living, to prove my worth or value, nourishment, control and manipulation for starters.

Often I “wake up angry”. This morning was no exception. I was battling it out. My darker side (and the hooked in helpers in spirit) beckoned me to get high on Anger. “I’m going to have a bad day. Why did he do that to me? What’s his problem? Who does he think he is? It’s his fault I’m angry and that my day is going to be horrible!” And on and on it went, repeating that self-beat-up tape about how unworthy I am of love. I could feel the headache, clenched teeth, and upset stomach coming as I tensed thinking about it, having to shoulder all of “this” alone! Underneath it all there was sadness, pain, grief, and heartache.

My spirit kept fighting to get me to realize that I have a choice! That I am powerful and that I am the master of my destiny!

It’s true. That which we resist persists. The more energy we expend on thinking about how much we don’t want, or don’t like something, the more we create the very thing we most fear. The assumption is that the “customer” (our ego) is always right. It can’t stand being wrong and so it makes more negative beliefs to coincide with what we believe, think, feel, or perceive to be true about ourselves even if the facts are false.

My anger looks like: yelling, crying, shaming, fear, revenge, manipulation, coercion, forceful, unrelenting, physical aggression, swearing, throwing objects, tantrums, withdrawing, isolation, cold shoulder, passive aggressiveness, holding grudges, blowing up/being explosive, criticism, biting sarcasm, judgment, shame, guilt, depression, low will to live/suicidal thoughts and tendencies, blaming, playing the victim/martyr, withholding love, self-beat-up, self-neglect, self-abuse, and the like.

See, I always thought it was wrong, or rather that I was wrong/something was wrong with me when I felt angry. That maybe I was bad because anger is bad and evil. Sometimes I want to kick Cultural Misconceptions in the head. God would not have given us anger unless it served some purpose. Heck, even babies get angry. It is a very basic, primal emotion. That purpose wasn't for us to feel ashamed, unworthy, bad, not good enough, yet for so long I felt this way about myself. Anger is a normal healthy feeling! It is a good thing! It is not good to stay or reside in anger (though it vibrates higher than staying in hopelessness and despair). It does mean you are feeling and that you are human. Anger is a gift/tool given to us to see the need to change something. Why do we typically avoid it, pretend it doesn't exist, deny it, or shove it deep down inside? Anger expressed in a healthy, appropriate manner moves us forward. It clears the path to greater insight, wisdom, power and clarity.

God understands anger very well. And as much as some people may disagree with me on this, it is okay to feel anger towards God. Trust me, He can handle it. He understands anger with loving eyes, heart, and thoughts. He loves us so much that he is willing to receive our anger and give love in return. He is willing to teach us a new way and to absorb all those negative things and make them into something beautiful and positive if we are but willing to give it to him. Our joy and peace will be equal to our pain and sorrow when we resolve to be restored to wholeness.

What I have learned or gleaned from my anger: it can be a refiner’s fire, a way to find God, a catalyst for change or to address something, a sign of growth, signal to change, bringing dangerous situations to our attention, releasing is necessary and liberating bringing relief and renewed peace, that I am feeling, greater compassion, empathy, and understanding, self-control, mastery, learning experiences, insight, fine tuning intuition, the ability to see beyond the outward appearance and to see the white light truth and love in us all.

How can I let go and embrace love? I don’t know how entirely, but I am learning and I’m doing it one layer, one slice at a time. I have to put my trust and faith in a power much higher than myself.  The ways in which miracles occur surpasses my understanding. I don’t know how I've come this far. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “God makes a way where there is no way. When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights  let us remember that… [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays in to bright tomorrows.” It is out of the darkness that we truly come to the greatest light. Contrast is essential.

One of the most beautiful quotes I have read from Debbie Ford is that, “There is nothing more beautiful than a warrior woman standing in her power, courage, and confidence. From this place of strength, she is capable of loving the world in a way that transforms pain into promise…and hell into heaven.”

The truth beyond the lie is that anger is just information and it is what we do with it that makes a world of difference. The truth is that I am a co-creator with God and all those who work with him. I am powerful. I have a choice. I am happy. I am lovable  I am good enough. I make progress every day. Life is enjoyable and fun. I am happy. I have peace. I am mastering my life.

I am at the point where I can share things of my past quite openly. At times it seems like those experiences were someone else’s. From the depths of despair God hath redeemed my soul from a living hell and has transformed my pain into promise and my hell into heaven. My darkest days of sexual abuse, addictions, codependency, abandonment, suicidal thinking, and self-hatred have been redeemed because I am willing to learn, grow, and let go.

I distinctly remember covenanting with God to consecrate my life at a young age, “God. I will go through the pain of healing if you can promise me that I can help at least one other person with recovering from their trauma. If my painful experiences can change the world for one person, and they can feel God’s love and support, then it will be worth everything I've been through.” God has more than kept his covenant and promise. I cannot count, nor do I yet see the full influence of my life on other people.

My life stands as a witness of health, hope, and healing. I have become new, clean, and born again. I stand worthy in my imperfections to stand in the presence of God and his angels. I am light. I am life. I am a warrior of love. Anger is a great teacher and a tool. I am grateful for the anger I have experienced and I now release it into the hands of the Lord of love. 

Judgment, Divorce, and Grief

Monday, January 9, 2012

The other day I wrote something that explains what I have been feeling about myself: “I love him. I'd like to have a better relationship, but I can't force him to heal and become whole. There are torn heartstrings--as from an LDS viewpoint there is an element of always "forgiving" and having enough "faith"--the cultural expectation that if you endure long enough, pray sincerely enough, try hard enough, & be righteous enough--that everything will be the way it ideally should be. That is a great weight on my shoulders; a heavy burden to bear--I feel that if I divorce him again, I am somehow failing miserably. I know logically I'm not responsible for healing him, yet I know I'm the only person who's been consistent with loving him in his entire life. I have a really hard time letting go of that.”

The 7 stages of grief are:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. “Depression,” Anger, & Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction& Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope

So today I was becoming really bothered that other people were perhaps judging me—they did not agree with my point of view or my choices. I was frustrated and felt betrayed. How could they not understand? It was so clear to me.

Then I realized that I was looking for outward approval and that I was putting my ego into it. I humbled myself and took a hard look at what I was really feeling and how I was the one judging others. I remembered an article in this month's Ensign, “Look Up, Not Sideways”. I remembered that I need to be seeking the Lord's approval on my decisions and not the world's, even if the world to me is my family, friends, and neighbors. http://lds.org/ensign/2012/01/look-up?lang=eng

It is amazing how quickly I received comfort and clarity when I sincerely poured my heart out to Him. I had a distinct thought. Emily, “You are grieving for your loss,” and that's okay. The thoughts went on from there. If my husband had passed away or died in an unexpected accident, I suppose I would receive so much more support and comfort from others. People wouldn't be judging me if I was grieving because my husband died. No one would imply or say to me, “Emily, if you were just righteous, faithful, and prayed enough, your husband wouldn't have had to die right now.” Who would be insensitive enough to say that?

Instead, I am getting divorced for the 2^nd time from the same husband. There is the cultural implication that somehow I have failed to do the above mentioned “faithful” spiel that goes with it. It's against the “rules” to not “endure” my marriage in its entirety. Part of me says, “Don't they know that I'm grieving because I'm losing my husband? It's not as if I'm choosing for him to leave me.” In some ways I think the grief from divorce is more difficult. It's a living rejection based death. Not only am I grieving the loss of a precious loved one, I'm getting tossed aside as well. There is hurt and heartache along with the huge loss.

I have need of repentance for comparing and judging my experience and decisions against that of other. Everyone's situation is unique, yet there are many similarities.

Other people who have loved ones in addiction and mental health stick with it. That's great! I would love to stick with it, if “it” wanted to stick with me. I realize that despite my willingness to endure, I cannot make my husband want to be married to me or to anyone else for that matter. I can't force him to live up to my personal beliefs or standards. I do not have the power or ability to restore him to wholeness. That is God's role, not mine.

In an Al-Anon book today's date says:

“How often I look outside myself for approval!...If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.”

“Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.”

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. (Carl Jung).”

How fitting was all of that for me today?! I know that in the end, I will be okay. That no matter what happens I have intrinsic value and worth. I simply can only do my best and God takes care of the rest. Here's to letting go & letting God!

Relfections & Integration

Sunday, April 22, 2012

in·te·grate (nt-grt)

[From Middle English, intact, from Latin integrtus, past participle of integrre, to make whole, from integer, complete; see tag- in Indo-European roots.]

1. To make into a whole by bringing all parts together; unify.

5. Psychology To bring about the integration of (personality traits).

Integration is my new best friend & Hope sits with me at my front door. This is the time of my life that I feel like I have come the closest in my relationship with God. I'd never want to go through it again or for anyone else to have to go through such anguish. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I have learned so much about my capacities and of God's great love for me. I am reconciled to God and am whole because of His Atonement.

I definitely struggle. Some days are harder than others. Some hurts are deeper this time around. Some things are way more confusing-- like my ex soon to be twice removed; I don't "get" him. He's been back & forth on being a church goer or an atheist about 3 times in the last year alone. He can be a nice guy & he's also a big jerk, especially to me (which you'll never hear me telling my kids. They'll figure that out for themselves on their own time frame. I refuse to have my kids hate something that's very much a part of them--their Father).

There are things that I am grateful for now. Like my beautiful children & how I've grown as a woman, wife & mother. I definitely like being able to hang out with good friends and not have to worry about the flack he'd give me for talking to them. I can buy clothes without wondering whether or not he'd like them (though I'm still self-conscious about it because of my personal issues prior to the marriage & then his contribution upon that). I get to discipline my kids differently. I can buy groceries without him looking over my shoulder to give his approval. Heck, I can go to counseling and not have to worry about my changes & the bigger gap that came to be from our differing choices.

I play, laugh, smile & cry more. I feel. I'm happier than I have been in a really long time. I have gotten to know so many more people being separated & divorced. I went back to school & found another career that I'm passionate about. My work is my refuge from the storm. I have more friends now & I love it. I'm happy & I have no one here to try to make me feel bad or guilty for being so.

I married quite young & we both came from "rough" backgrounds. Not the best possibilities to begin with. Neither of us had a sense of who we were yet. Neither of us had a fully developed prefrontal cortex (decision making center). I had the faith & grew greatly in the 10 years I've known him. At times I regret marrying him both times; but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't be who I am today without having him as experience. It's been a stepping stone to many other things that lie ahead & I will someday have a greater understanding of why things had to be this way, yet again. He has his agency & I have mine.

Sometimes it's not a matter of willingness, but of tools, knowledge & skills. I lacked significantly in these areas. *Yes. I am glad that this is past tense.*

I am a firm believer that two people who are both willing to be humble, repent (change for the better--Greek root of the word), appreciate & respect each other, and are willing to grow together could have a great marriage. It takes work. Hard & great work. A work worth our every best and feeble efforts.

I am confident that my next relationship will be much healthier because I am healthier emotionally. I've worked tirelessly on myself & my "baggage" for the last 2 years solid. I am the kind of person who strives not for perfection, but consistent growth & renewal.

I however do know that if I were to get in a relationship right now, or shortly after our divorce was finalized, that I would run into some significant problems. I would end up repeating the same story with different scenery & characters. I don't know anything different yet. While I am on the road to recovery & healing through the Atonement, my wounds are fresh & deep. I need time to walk across the bridge to a feeling & recognition of wholeness.

It scares me to think of being "out there" again. A lot. I think the 1st step, beyond championing my self-relationship & becoming an awesome mom, is to just be okay with being still. Also scary--to a point. I don't like the super quiet moment at the end of the day when I'm physically all alone. It kind of sucks. At the same time, I am free to cry as much as I want or need & how I want to. It's a nice peace of mind.

Rarely has life gone the way I planned. Somehow, it always ends up better than I ever imagined. Of course, that's after the grueling & beautiful journey that preceded it. I'm worth it. We all are. Truly as heartbreaking as this has been, it's been BEAUTIFUL!

A Train of Thought on the Power of Thought & Word

Thoughts, words, and actions all emit vibrations of energy within us and the entire universe. There is a great difference in the power of saying "I feel" versus "I am". In the positive and negative "I am" is commanding (aka. _belief_ = me). When speaking of feelings we are acknowledging what we feel in our heart parts and allowing our intrinsic nature to stand in its power.

Example: “I am suicidal” vs. “I have suicidal thoughts and feelings that are really a reflection of not wanting to face difficult circumstances”. When phrased like the latter way the power & self-label of not being enough is diminished & I can embrace myself while holding on to the value of my experience.

My word and The Word are powerful. I had no idea that I had more control over my life than I previously thought. I may not be able to directly influence every situation to be in my favor, yet I can learn to perceive them differently & see them for what they truly are—experiences and potential lessons.

My thoughts, alongside my ego, had to be correct. What else would make sense to a little girl at 6 years old that was being sexually abused for years? She thought it was because she was unlovable, bad, unworthy, not good enough, dirty, and undeserving of kindness. She thought that those bad things were her fault & that God had allowed it to happen. She thought that life had to be hard & that there wasn’t any real happiness to be had. She did the best she could with what she knew and she survived many such encounters.

Her mindset, which was and is mine, could only allow for so much good. Every event perceived revolved around those belief systems. How exhausting? How depressing? How resigning? I have suffered with a great deal of mountains to climb. I have overcome the harrowing effects of sexual abuse, addictions, suicidal tendencies and codependency. I have starred down the very face of adversity and “beat the odds”.

I had a choice to make about myself and my perspective of life and have had many turning points. I could choose to remain in my darkness & despair, or I could take the faith and believe that mountains could be moved or removed. Each day I face that same choice: life and creation, or death and destruction?

“Men and women who turn their lives over to God will discover that He can make a lot more out of their lives than they can. He will deepen their joys, expand their vision, quicken their minds, strengthen their muscles, lift their spirits, multiply their blessings, increase their opportunities, comfort their souls, raise up friends, and pour out peace. Whoever will lose his life in the service of God will find eternal life” (“Jesus Christ—Gifts and Expectations,” President Ezra Taft Benson, Ensign, Dec. 1988, 4)

Daily I choose to be co-creators with my higher powers. Creation happens—one thought, one word, one line, one page at a time. Repetition of the overall positive is essential. We write a new page together every day. We also edit the previous chapters and remove the biased “corrections” of pride based writing from previous generations. Every day is filled with discoveries, rediscoveries, and recoveries. Every day is a beautiful gift from above and by the power of my word, “I love living!”

“In a real though figurative sense, the book of life is the record of the acts of men, as such record is written [in my own body]. It is the record engraven on the very bones, sinews, and flesh of [my] mortal body . . . . Every thought, word and deed has an effect on the human body; all these leave their marks, marks which can be read by Him who is Eternal, as easily as the words in a book can be read…. . . When the book of life is opened on the Day of Judgment, [my body] will show what law [I] have lived.” (Elder Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, Bookcraft, 1966, 97.)

My body, mind and spirit are the Book of my Life. And in it I find light and truth. There is power in my word and in my being. I am in Godliness and them in me. There is Hope and I am living proof of the power of it to transform life from war to peace.

The Mountain of Me

I was standing in the shadows of the majestic mountain & my job was to climb to the top. With my limited experience, I decided that I was to make the treacherous journey alone, I had to do it all on my own with no help, and that I was going to be an expert on the steepest and most dangerous side of the rugged highland. Somehow, I thought that if the climb wasn’t difficult it meant that I didn’t belong on the mountain. I believed that I needed to suffer through the experience to prove how great I was and what I had overcome by the time the end came. I was going to be glorified for my climb.

Along the way I put extra rocks into my pack to build strength and look more accomplished. I suffered greatly to seem more humble. I neglected proper rest and nutrition to prove that I could survive anything. I would have my scars and “war” wounds for sport and stories. I was driven to prove my worth to the rest of the world in the greatest test of my life. And off I went.

I had blisters on my hands and feet as I climbed as well as any novice could. I was eager and excited to win the race and was in the zone. I heard a voice say, “You skipped a step!” Puzzled, I looked back and realized that I had indeed been in a hurry and took a larger lunge than necessary.  I continued on my climb and ignored the pain of a pulled muscle and my bleeding leg. “A little pain won’t hurt,” I thought, “It’s good for me. It develops ‘character’ and it will make my story more convincing.”

I couldn’t shake the thought that I had missed something. I was doing the best I could. And I pressed forward. I found myself in an awkward holding position. I was shaking to hold firm.

A voice again said, “It doesn’t have to be that hard.” That thought took me by surprise. I was caught off guard and lost my footing. “What do you mean it doesn’t have to be this hard?” I yelled, “That was the plan!” And gathered my composure and continued onward with hastened pace and new adventures.

But how long would I have to keep up this pace? I just wanted to be done climbing. I was tired, exhausted, alone, and afraid. Why couldn’t I be at the peak already? I knew that’s where I belonged, so why did He make it so hard? I finally looked beyond my perspective of how far away I was from my end goal. I was defeated. I was never going to be enough.

Then there was a subtle thought, a new idea. I turned around and saw something that I hadn't noticed before. There was an easier, well-marked trail off to my left. And there were people actually walking on it, and they looked happy?! “That’s absurd!” I thought, “You mean this whole time that direction was right next to me?”

Fed up and frustrated, I made my way to the ledge nearest my new discovery. I decided to cut the ropes that burned, choked, and bound me to the monstrous mountain and let myself fall slowly down onto the trail. I fell to the dust and wept for my loss.

In all my getting, I got further away from everything and everyone I ever wanted. I wanted to be right, and I was, or so I thought. The sobering truth of trust, of putting one foot in front of the other, and of holding on to the railing was my new course and I would follow it one day at a time. For truly God had my back and would catch me when I had fallen. The truth be known, I was never alone.