Sunday, April 22, 2012
in·te·grate (
n
t-gr
t
)
[From Middle
English, intact, from Latin integrtus, past participle of integrre, to make whole, from integer, complete;
see tag- in Indo-European roots.]
tus, past participle of integrre, to make whole, from integer, complete;
see tag- in Indo-European roots.]
1. To make into a whole by bringing all parts together; unify.
5. Psychology To bring about the
integration of (personality traits).
Integration is
my new best friend & Hope sits with me at my front door. This is the time
of my life that I feel like I have come the closest in my relationship with
God. I'd never want to go through it again or for anyone else to have to go
through such anguish. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I have learned so
much about my capacities and of God's great love for me. I am reconciled to God
and am whole because of His Atonement.
I definitely
struggle. Some days are harder than others. Some hurts are deeper this time
around. Some things are way more confusing-- like my ex soon to be twice
removed; I don't "get" him. He's been back & forth on being a
church goer or an atheist about 3 times in the last year alone. He can be a
nice guy & he's also a big jerk, especially to me (which you'll never hear
me telling my kids. They'll figure that out for themselves on their own time
frame. I refuse to have my kids hate something that's very much a part of
them--their Father).
There are things that I am grateful for now. Like my beautiful children & how I've grown as a woman, wife & mother. I definitely like being able to hang out with good friends and not have to worry about the flack he'd give me for talking to them. I can buy clothes without wondering whether or not he'd like them (though I'm still self-conscious about it because of my personal issues prior to the marriage & then his contribution upon that). I get to discipline my kids differently. I can buy groceries without him looking over my shoulder to give his approval. Heck, I can go to counseling and not have to worry about my changes & the bigger gap that came to be from our differing choices.
I play, laugh, smile & cry more. I feel. I'm happier than I have been in a really long time. I have gotten to know so many more people being separated & divorced. I went back to school & found another career that I'm passionate about. My work is my refuge from the storm. I have more friends now & I love it. I'm happy & I have no one here to try to make me feel bad or guilty for being so.
I married quite young & we both came from "rough" backgrounds. Not the best possibilities to begin with. Neither of us had a sense of who we were yet. Neither of us had a fully developed prefrontal cortex (decision making center). I had the faith & grew greatly in the 10 years I've known him. At times I regret marrying him both times; but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't be who I am today without having him as experience. It's been a stepping stone to many other things that lie ahead & I will someday have a greater understanding of why things had to be this way, yet again. He has his agency & I have mine.
Sometimes it's not a matter of willingness, but of tools, knowledge & skills. I lacked significantly in these areas. *Yes. I am glad that this is past tense.*
I am a firm believer that two people who are both willing to be humble, repent (change for the better--Greek root of the word), appreciate & respect each other, and are willing to grow together could have a great marriage. It takes work. Hard & great work. A work worth our every best and feeble efforts.
I am confident that my next relationship will be much healthier because I am healthier emotionally. I've worked tirelessly on myself & my "baggage" for the last 2 years solid. I am the kind of person who strives not for perfection, but consistent growth & renewal.
I however do know that if I were to get in a relationship right now, or shortly after our divorce was finalized, that I would run into some significant problems. I would end up repeating the same story with different scenery & characters. I don't know anything different yet. While I am on the road to recovery & healing through the Atonement, my wounds are fresh & deep. I need time to walk across the bridge to a feeling & recognition of wholeness.
It scares me to think of being "out there" again. A lot. I think the 1st step, beyond championing my self-relationship & becoming an awesome mom, is to just be okay with being still. Also scary--to a point. I don't like the super quiet moment at the end of the day when I'm physically all alone. It kind of sucks. At the same time, I am free to cry as much as I want or need & how I want to. It's a nice peace of mind.
There are things that I am grateful for now. Like my beautiful children & how I've grown as a woman, wife & mother. I definitely like being able to hang out with good friends and not have to worry about the flack he'd give me for talking to them. I can buy clothes without wondering whether or not he'd like them (though I'm still self-conscious about it because of my personal issues prior to the marriage & then his contribution upon that). I get to discipline my kids differently. I can buy groceries without him looking over my shoulder to give his approval. Heck, I can go to counseling and not have to worry about my changes & the bigger gap that came to be from our differing choices.
I play, laugh, smile & cry more. I feel. I'm happier than I have been in a really long time. I have gotten to know so many more people being separated & divorced. I went back to school & found another career that I'm passionate about. My work is my refuge from the storm. I have more friends now & I love it. I'm happy & I have no one here to try to make me feel bad or guilty for being so.
I married quite young & we both came from "rough" backgrounds. Not the best possibilities to begin with. Neither of us had a sense of who we were yet. Neither of us had a fully developed prefrontal cortex (decision making center). I had the faith & grew greatly in the 10 years I've known him. At times I regret marrying him both times; but when it comes down to it, I wouldn't be who I am today without having him as experience. It's been a stepping stone to many other things that lie ahead & I will someday have a greater understanding of why things had to be this way, yet again. He has his agency & I have mine.
Sometimes it's not a matter of willingness, but of tools, knowledge & skills. I lacked significantly in these areas. *Yes. I am glad that this is past tense.*
I am a firm believer that two people who are both willing to be humble, repent (change for the better--Greek root of the word), appreciate & respect each other, and are willing to grow together could have a great marriage. It takes work. Hard & great work. A work worth our every best and feeble efforts.
I am confident that my next relationship will be much healthier because I am healthier emotionally. I've worked tirelessly on myself & my "baggage" for the last 2 years solid. I am the kind of person who strives not for perfection, but consistent growth & renewal.
I however do know that if I were to get in a relationship right now, or shortly after our divorce was finalized, that I would run into some significant problems. I would end up repeating the same story with different scenery & characters. I don't know anything different yet. While I am on the road to recovery & healing through the Atonement, my wounds are fresh & deep. I need time to walk across the bridge to a feeling & recognition of wholeness.
It scares me to think of being "out there" again. A lot. I think the 1st step, beyond championing my self-relationship & becoming an awesome mom, is to just be okay with being still. Also scary--to a point. I don't like the super quiet moment at the end of the day when I'm physically all alone. It kind of sucks. At the same time, I am free to cry as much as I want or need & how I want to. It's a nice peace of mind.
Rarely has life
gone the way I planned. Somehow, it always ends up better than I ever imagined.
Of course, that's after the grueling & beautiful journey that preceded it.
I'm worth it. We all are. Truly as heartbreaking as this has been, it's been
BEAUTIFUL!
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