Anger Games: Seeing the Truth Beyond the Lies

The DarkSide of the Light Chasers is a book by Debbie Ford that can completely shift your paradigm. I can’t go back to not knowing or being aware of its teachings. It is a clear principle of truth.

Social mirrors are sometimes the hardest & best looks at our own self. Initially I didn't like this knowledge, and sometimes I still don’t because it means something about me. Other times the reflection serves as a reminder of how far I have come & how I have grown. There is always a choice between the dark & the light side. It is in the darkness that we find the greatest treasures of gold & light.

The following is an exploration of the dark & light side of my anger.

Anger Games: Seeing the Truth Beyond the Lies

I’m afraid of getting angry because of who I feel I am when I exude it. I don’t like it. I feel out of control, like a monster, I get enraged and scary. So, what am I going to do about it? I’m going to “F” my anger. Fear it. Feel it. Face it. Forgive it. Free it.

Abraham Lincoln said, “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” One of my biggest fears is anger and I intend on making it my good friend. By facing the fear, walking through the damp mists of darkness, embracing it, loving it, I am letting go of the power I give to anger and making room for Love: Both valuable friends with whom I can consult, learn, and grow from.

At weekend training for school I had a major breakthrough about my “Anger Games”. I didn't want to let go of any of it. I’m glad I was surrounded by people I trust well because I didn't want to face it. I wanted it all to go away without any effort on my part. Secretly, I've had a love affair with anger as long as I can remember. We took care of each other like a happy, twisted, parasitical, codependent relationship does. I fed my soul with its power and was addicted to it. It was the life-blood flowing in my veins and was an integral part of living and existing in this world. I didn't know what to do without it. I’m pretty sure there are many generations before me that had the same pattern of thinking, believing, behaving, and living. Now what?

When the time came to look my fear of anger in the eyes I rose. I was so scared, shaking and trembling at the very thought of confronting my core belief systems. I imagined myself standing on a tree several feet above the ground, swaying in the wind at the top of a small platform. In front of me was a large ring on a rope that I was supposed to grab. The question was, “What do you want?!” My reply came, “I WANT LOVE!” “Now, how are you going to get it? How can you get closer to what you want…?” I breathed in courage and yelled, “I want love. I am tired of being angry! My anger can go to Hell! Anger is not my friend anymore! And I WANT LOVE!” I jumped with all my strength knowing that I would get that much closer to what I wanted. To my surprise, I touched the ring. Triumph! I was exhausted and had let go of the power I had consented anger to have over me.

That was the beginning of a beautiful journey. Less than 24 hours ago I wrote the following:

Dear Anger, 

I'm breaking up with you! I will soon have a ridiculously long letter written for you regarding the details of our relationship and what was good about it & what didn't work so well & why we won't be together that much anymore. I know you'll be fine. And this time it is you, not me, and I am not going to carry you anymore. I can handle only so much of you. I'm replacing you with Love.

With much gratitude, 

My Best Self

Why anger? I use anger to get: love, safety, power, protection, comfort, connection, caring, justification, validation, temporary relief, to avoid my real feelings and dealing with them, motivation, a reason to keep living, to prove my worth or value, nourishment, control and manipulation for starters.

Often I “wake up angry”. This morning was no exception. I was battling it out. My darker side (and the hooked in helpers in spirit) beckoned me to get high on Anger. “I’m going to have a bad day. Why did he do that to me? What’s his problem? Who does he think he is? It’s his fault I’m angry and that my day is going to be horrible!” And on and on it went, repeating that self-beat-up tape about how unworthy I am of love. I could feel the headache, clenched teeth, and upset stomach coming as I tensed thinking about it, having to shoulder all of “this” alone! Underneath it all there was sadness, pain, grief, and heartache.

My spirit kept fighting to get me to realize that I have a choice! That I am powerful and that I am the master of my destiny!

It’s true. That which we resist persists. The more energy we expend on thinking about how much we don’t want, or don’t like something, the more we create the very thing we most fear. The assumption is that the “customer” (our ego) is always right. It can’t stand being wrong and so it makes more negative beliefs to coincide with what we believe, think, feel, or perceive to be true about ourselves even if the facts are false.

My anger looks like: yelling, crying, shaming, fear, revenge, manipulation, coercion, forceful, unrelenting, physical aggression, swearing, throwing objects, tantrums, withdrawing, isolation, cold shoulder, passive aggressiveness, holding grudges, blowing up/being explosive, criticism, biting sarcasm, judgment, shame, guilt, depression, low will to live/suicidal thoughts and tendencies, blaming, playing the victim/martyr, withholding love, self-beat-up, self-neglect, self-abuse, and the like.

See, I always thought it was wrong, or rather that I was wrong/something was wrong with me when I felt angry. That maybe I was bad because anger is bad and evil. Sometimes I want to kick Cultural Misconceptions in the head. God would not have given us anger unless it served some purpose. Heck, even babies get angry. It is a very basic, primal emotion. That purpose wasn't for us to feel ashamed, unworthy, bad, not good enough, yet for so long I felt this way about myself. Anger is a normal healthy feeling! It is a good thing! It is not good to stay or reside in anger (though it vibrates higher than staying in hopelessness and despair). It does mean you are feeling and that you are human. Anger is a gift/tool given to us to see the need to change something. Why do we typically avoid it, pretend it doesn't exist, deny it, or shove it deep down inside? Anger expressed in a healthy, appropriate manner moves us forward. It clears the path to greater insight, wisdom, power and clarity.

God understands anger very well. And as much as some people may disagree with me on this, it is okay to feel anger towards God. Trust me, He can handle it. He understands anger with loving eyes, heart, and thoughts. He loves us so much that he is willing to receive our anger and give love in return. He is willing to teach us a new way and to absorb all those negative things and make them into something beautiful and positive if we are but willing to give it to him. Our joy and peace will be equal to our pain and sorrow when we resolve to be restored to wholeness.

What I have learned or gleaned from my anger: it can be a refiner’s fire, a way to find God, a catalyst for change or to address something, a sign of growth, signal to change, bringing dangerous situations to our attention, releasing is necessary and liberating bringing relief and renewed peace, that I am feeling, greater compassion, empathy, and understanding, self-control, mastery, learning experiences, insight, fine tuning intuition, the ability to see beyond the outward appearance and to see the white light truth and love in us all.

How can I let go and embrace love? I don’t know how entirely, but I am learning and I’m doing it one layer, one slice at a time. I have to put my trust and faith in a power much higher than myself.  The ways in which miracles occur surpasses my understanding. I don’t know how I've come this far. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “God makes a way where there is no way. When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights  let us remember that… [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays in to bright tomorrows.” It is out of the darkness that we truly come to the greatest light. Contrast is essential.

One of the most beautiful quotes I have read from Debbie Ford is that, “There is nothing more beautiful than a warrior woman standing in her power, courage, and confidence. From this place of strength, she is capable of loving the world in a way that transforms pain into promise…and hell into heaven.”

The truth beyond the lie is that anger is just information and it is what we do with it that makes a world of difference. The truth is that I am a co-creator with God and all those who work with him. I am powerful. I have a choice. I am happy. I am lovable  I am good enough. I make progress every day. Life is enjoyable and fun. I am happy. I have peace. I am mastering my life.

I am at the point where I can share things of my past quite openly. At times it seems like those experiences were someone else’s. From the depths of despair God hath redeemed my soul from a living hell and has transformed my pain into promise and my hell into heaven. My darkest days of sexual abuse, addictions, codependency, abandonment, suicidal thinking, and self-hatred have been redeemed because I am willing to learn, grow, and let go.

I distinctly remember covenanting with God to consecrate my life at a young age, “God. I will go through the pain of healing if you can promise me that I can help at least one other person with recovering from their trauma. If my painful experiences can change the world for one person, and they can feel God’s love and support, then it will be worth everything I've been through.” God has more than kept his covenant and promise. I cannot count, nor do I yet see the full influence of my life on other people.

My life stands as a witness of health, hope, and healing. I have become new, clean, and born again. I stand worthy in my imperfections to stand in the presence of God and his angels. I am light. I am life. I am a warrior of love. Anger is a great teacher and a tool. I am grateful for the anger I have experienced and I now release it into the hands of the Lord of love.