I'm
going to open, honest, and vulnerable here. I met with a life coach professional in regards to some "problem
behaviors" I have been experiencing with a child. I have previous
trauma which I feel triggered when my he/she exhibits certain behaviors. I went to
the appointment knowing that it was going to be all about what I needed to change
and that is exactly what happened.
I have put this professional and her team on a bit of a pedestal and I enjoyed meeting them on a more personal level. I did a lot of listening (I’m normally a jabber mouth). We talked before, during, and after the taping. Here are some of the things I learned & interpreted from our meeting, glean from it what you will:
·
I was thanked for being personal and willing to share my experience.
·
The truth is I
need to heal my own wounded inner child and continue to do that work.
·
I am too hard on
myself. I have come a long way from where I was before and need to give myself
credit for being an awesome mom.
·
I am very
powerful.
·
I was looking at this child as a “problem” and he/she was obliging to be obedient to that belief and
supported it in behaviors. He/She is not a problem and is not any of the labels. He/She is just themselves.
·
I need to stop
giving attention and using words that express a “problems” focus. The negative
attention reinforces the behaviors.
·
I need to stop
apologizing for him/her. I use the labels when I feel uncomfortable.
·
Autism is
typically a diagnosis of an extreme expression of (Earth or Metal) energy.
·
I have to stop
comparing him/her to other people (or rather projecting my experiences with other
people that I felt hurt by with similar energy types). He/she is not them and it is
not fair to him/her for me to re-play that.
·
I have a flurry
of energy and he/she is picking up on that and connecting with me through that (it
feels too intense). He/she is very much grounded and naturally still and I need to
be more grounded and help him/her be grounded as well.
·
I need to be
direct and straightforward with him.
·
I talk too much.
He/She would like it if I was more efficient with words and stop trying to make him/her talk to me.
·
He/She wants to
connect with me and I am steering the ship. I’m the adult and I’m setting the
stage and he/she is playing the part/role I assigned him/her (even though it’s not true
to his/her nature).
·
He/She is a 9 years old. Let him/her be a kid. I know how to honor him/her and allow that space.
·
He/She could be a comedian
someday.
·
I need to re-read
The Child Whisperer on Type 4 energy so that I can give him the kind of
attention he/she needs from me.
·
He/she needs time to
be alone.
I did realize that the
word “problem” holds a lot of weight for me. I grew up not wanting to be the
problem child and believing that having needs was bad and thus I would be a
problem. I chose to feel shame when I did not have my needs met the way I
wanted them to.
I have been listening to a
book called Healing the Shame that Binds
You by John Bradshaw. From it I
realize that I am reflecting the shame I learned onto my children. Most
families have a scapegoat, black sheep, or problem child of some sort. This is
the person that the family sets up to take the blame for the outwardly negative
shame. It comes from a place of discomfort of our own feelings, or dealing with
trauma and then using someone else as the distraction (so that you don’t have
to draw attention to your weaknesses or face your own “problems”).
I took the place of shame called “perfectionism” and being a
know-it-all. My siblings have been some of my greatest teachers and I am grateful
for their. I have learned a great deal of love, compassion, and empathy with
them as a part of our family. Their sacred contract with me was life changing and
has shaped me into the woman I am today.
A side note about labels
Children are not cereal boxes with labels. They really are people and it's is more about what's inside the box than what we "see", albeit an illusion, on the outside. What's beneath the label. Who are they and who are we really?
Stop Labeling ChildrenUpon further reflection I realize my child is a Little Warrior who provides me with ample opportunity to take down my heart-walls. It is a knock at the door (or a pounding on the wall) as an open invitation to see beyond the reactionary shield and to be in the moment of raw emotions and experience an open heart. When I feel triggered it really is my inner child wanting to be heard. Am I listening to what she really needs? The lesson I need to learn most is within me. When I “get it” I can extend that great love and compassion to my family and those around me. Love begins with me and I am the driver of my life. I direct myself and I have the blessed opportunity to teach my children how to do that for themselves.
