Gay Q & A: Acceptance, Religion, Addiction, and Biology

How did you come to accept that you are gay?

The acceptance process of being gay was a rather long and drawn out one for me. While it was obvious to many, or perhaps maybe not to some, I was in strict denial of it for most of my life. It wasn't until my late 20's & early 30's that I started to come to terms with all of it.

The acceptance came when I finally decided to embrace and love the fact that I was gay & surrender to the fact that nothing I was doing or could do would "get rid" of "those" feelings of same gender attraction. I came to realize that energy can never be destroyed and it is inherently designed to be created and recreated over time. In my personal experience I wouldn't want to be different than I am now. I spent my whole life fighting it, denying, and lying to myself for what, to be miserable? No. That's where I was most of the time in shame and misery trying not to be something I was naturally designed to be.

I've had some tough conversations with God about it and it went something like this:

I asked, "God, Why did you give this to me? I didn't want it! Why would I choose this experience? Why is it so 'wrong' to be gay?"

The simple reply was, "Emily, you came to learn love in all of its levels and forms including this one. There is nothing wrong with loving who, or how you love. If you find joy and peace, then it is good and comes from God. Focus on the principles. I designed you on purpose and with purpose and I didn't make a mistake with you. The mistake would be in believing that there was something inherently wrong, bad, unnatural, or counterfeit about you. That would be the sad part, believing that I love you less than anyone else or that you are unworthy of love and all that life experience can be. You are equal in my eyes."

"Then why must I stay celibate in order to please you? Why did you give me such a big heart filled with love for others and then tell me not to express it to its full extent? It's not fair. Why should I go my whole life without connecting on a deeply satisfying, enriching, complementary, and reflective soul level with another person? It doesn't make sense to me & I'm confused at such a contradiction! Denying the love I have to offer is miserable, depressing, and seems like it would be a waste of my energy."

"Emily, do not be discouraged by constraints that sources outside of yourself try to tell you who you should be. I'm really accepting and open-hearted, though some versions people profess are very limiting of my infinite nature. Believe the God that is in you. Believe that you are because I Am. I am Love and as such, so are you. Follow the feelings of pure love and you will be on the path that is true for you. Your path is not the same as other people and comparing the path with criticism is unfair judgment towards yourself. Your path specifics are perfectly designed for you and you alone. There's no one else quite like you and I love you that way."

Was it hard to turn your back on what you have been taught your whole life?

Absolutely. I had to wrap my head, unravel, and re-wrap it differently than I had before. I really questioned everything I thought I knew up until that point of my life. All my certainties and truths went out the window when my life was falling apart despite doing all the "right" things that were expressed in the religion I grew up in. It wasn't adding up in the end. I read scriptures, attended church and religious services very regularly, courted my spouse, and well... it just wasn't there between us.

The miracle that happened is that I had the opportunity again and chose to discover more about myself in relation to God's eyes and to fully love, accept, & embrace myself. God didn't make a mistake with me. He understood perfectly that I came to this world to learn, exemplify, embrace, and embody divine love in all its forms. God looks on the heart and not on the outward appearance. One may deem another with a specific label as different, less than or greater than. God sees everyone as equal and what he sees is love. There is not a judgement on what form the love comes in, that's something people do.

I may have turned a different way from the religious construct arena, but I have found that my heart leans more into trusting God. I'm closer to God now overall than I ever was before. I realized that God loves everyone absolutely & that he's protective of all of his children if they allow and receive it. So rather than seeing a physical apostasy from religion, I realized that the potential "breakdown" was really a breakthrough or spiritual awakening waiting for me to embrace it with open arms. I became open to exploring & shook off limits that I thought needed to be there to keep me safe. When I approach God with an open heart, mind, body & spirit, miracles come pouring in to show the next step for me.

I came to realize what it means to have a hero's quest or journey of leaving your home tribe, receiving a life calling, having teachers & mentors, following & embracing it, & returning to the tribe you originated from with the potential of being completely rejected. So, the awakening happens in the journey where you come to experience God on a personal and individual level and then bring that light and knowledge forward to where you came from. Someone questioning is not an actual threat to a construct (tribe) and is rather, an invaluable asset if people receive them. People will generally take their joy-filled wisdom where it is appreciated, valued, and has influence.

What was the hardest part about transitioning from a religious background?

The hardest part for me was dealing with the culture of shame I grew up with. That's been the toughest transition to unlearn and relearn. I have found a great deal of insight and healing by reading different books from John Bradshaw (Healing the Shame That Binds You & Homecoming), Debbie Ford (The Dark Side of the Light Chasers), Julia Cameron (The Artist's Way), Brené Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly), Byron Katie (Loving What Is), and Tosha Silver (Outrageous Openness). These have greatly influenced my life for the better and to shift the energy of shame to a life filled with passion, joy, peace, happiness, and soulful satisfaction. I also found amazing counselors to work with as well as practitioners of different kinds to assist with complementary therapies.

I've had a lot of support over the years, but I have also learned to ask for it specifically. There are many people who love me just the way I am & they do so openly and lovingly with all of their hearts. There may be people who are now uncomfortable and that's okay. Their discomfort isn't a problem for me to resolve. I've come to realize that it's their story and not mine.

How is this different from just being a different form of sexual addiction?

Addictions are an unhealthy way to avoid, escape, overcompensate, deny, or otherwise shove & stuff whatever "it" is away so that we don't have to deal with it head on. Addictions generally reside in a state of shame/perfectionism. So, if you want to transform the addiction, shift the shame and resolve the core inside yourself. You are not your story & you are not your shame.

I don't think gender-identity is an addiction at all. No one says hetero's have an addiction for who they like naturally. Someone once said to me that they've never struggled with same gender attraction. I asked them "who said it was a struggle?" The struggle isn't in who we like. The struggle can be there if or when we judge our natural dispositions or that of another's to be inherently wrong.  

God made nature in all different forms, including humans. Our natural state of being is Love and we are to continue increasing and/or existing in that joyful state as often as possible. Some plants are asexual, male seahorses have the babies; many species are not monogamous for life with one mate. What does all this potentially mean? In my book it means that God loves variety! God didn't create everything within one category to be exactly the same. No two snowflakes are exactly alike and neither are 2 flowers of the exact variety. All have things that are relatively common to one another in their like kind, but none are all the same. While many will say that the purpose of humans is to create more humans, who's to say that God didn't intend the process of co-creation to be on every level? 

The most supportive unit of society is really self-love, vulnerability, & self-awareness & the rest is all just details. Yes a husband & wife could provide stability as a unit of society and of family security. That can be provided in a lot of different formats. Single parents, unmarried, heterosexual, and homosexual people are all capable of amazing things. No one is better than another and we are all worthy of support from the village of our surrounding tribes.

Isn't this (homo) sexuality just a refuge from, or a reaction to, being hurt by men so much?

I suppose for some people the answer to this question could be yes. I am unsure of if there is an underlying understanding to the question of sexual abuse being a factor in same-gender attraction. Not everyone who is gay has been sexually abused. The abuse doesn't always factor into gender identity either.

I can say I've thoroughly sorted through a large amount of those experiences, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions over the years and have done a lot of work to heal the trauma that was there for me. I still have hatred towards men & women to work through as well as some remaining shame and judgement. I'm not perfect. I have seriously questioned if I would be gay without the abuse & the answer I can comfortably say is "Yes, I would still be gay if I had not been sexually abused by men & women." No one is at fault for gender identity, it just is. My parents didn't parent me differently than my other siblings. Some people are gay & some are not. People are all on the spectrum of human nature. It's not a big deal in my book. 

What makes physical intimacy okay with a woman for you, but not a man?

This would depend entirely on what a person feels naturally comfortable with. The question for an individual would be "If there wasn't any shame in this would I feel draw n to being with someone of the same, both, opposite gender, or no one at all?" I have come to a point personally where I do not see people as physically male or female. Rather I see masculine & feminine in everyone & believe in finding the energetic compliment to your amazingly already whole self. Up until 5 weeks in utero babies are completely identical. It isn't until the hormone surge that a physical gender type is determined. What about people who have more than one set of genitalia? Did God predestine them to be miserable because they don't fit into a neat category? Nope. I think we were designed to figure it out for ourselves.

Our process of knowing who we are is between us and God, and everyone else in the world is there to serve as a reflection of ourselves so that we can learn whatever it is that we need to. There aren't any limits to who you love though I'm opposed to incest and statutory relationships (huge boundary violations!). I have a strong draw towards women and things I felt super ashamed doing with men (like even just cuddling or kissing) was not at all shameful with a woman. I feel completely natural with women and it's been pretty surprising because I wasn't expecting that at all.

Has your body actually done anything 'right' when you were with a man? (In terms of biological responses)

Now that I've experienced both sides of the equation I can say for sure that my body struggled horribly to have natural and biological sexual responses to men.

Psychology & sexuality are strongly intertwined. My psychology & brain wiring is geared to being attracted to women on a sexual and romantic level. That is why it feels so wrong for me to be with a man. Psychologically it is very wrong and unnatural for me to do so. I have had a lot more ease in experiences with women and all the "natural stuff" has been wonderful and beautiful so far. It's a night and day difference for me & there isn't a big struggle anymore.

No Filters: Straight Up, I’m Gay!

Wow. It feels so good to say that and admit it more publicly. Are you still with me? Okay, good. BREATHE. Now, some of you are excited, happy, and glad for me and others may be anxious, sad, surprised, shocked, scared, or worried. No need to fear, I’m completely okay with knowing, believing, and embracing all of me, inside and out. I am comfortable with my spirituality and sexuality, and how they are inseparably connected for me in this reality. It is a truth that is so real for me on a daily basis and I'm glad I am finally embracing it.

The time for me to speak my truth is now, when I am in the process of discovering, exploring, and accepting it. It is when I am finally awake, alive, and present with the previously most hidden aspects of myself. It is when I feel joy and passion at the thought of being completely authentic with most people. That is where the power in sharing my heartfelt personal experiences comes from. It is a space of love.

I’m not writing to brag, gloat, impose, shove, prove, or spite anyone. I have no hidden agenda and absolutely nothing to prove. I’m not looking for love or approval because I don’t need that from anyone outside of myself. No, ego isn't a very good reason to share this sort of thing either. In sharing my story I am speaking to the part of everyone that has struggled to some degree or another to understand who they are on a deep soul level. 

My story isn't about being gay at all, that’s just a detail. Instead, my story is about learning to unconditionally love and accept myself exactly as I am and to love what presently is. In a post from last August I came out as being bisexual and to the best of my knowledge at the time I was being truthful. I find guys to be fun and novel and that’s about it. When I see myself in long-term relationships it is always with women on a deeper and committed level.

It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I started venturing into this “new” world, which really is the one I was naturally born into. I tried so hard my whole life to fit in, do what I thought I was supposed to or needed to do, to get rid feelings of same sex attraction or completely deny them. I've been beating myself up my whole life over something I had no control over. I didn't ask to be gay, nor did I choose it. Why would I choose to be gay in a world that largely shames, ridicules, persecutes, and denies a person of that orientation?! No one would really pick that when it comes right down to it. Um, yes, please sign me up for discrimination and hate because I feel that would be a pleasant life experience… Yeah, no, not how it works. I believe that since I genuinely love people that others are capable for doing the same for me. It is in this regard that I have not encountered negative responses so far.

Rather than repeating endless shame cycles of beating a dead horse I decided to grieve the dead horse and love it. It turns out the horse wasn't dead, dead, but it was in a deep sleep awaiting the time that it would be safe to run free just as it was designed to. It needed to be nurtured, held, be hugged, have its sore muscles rubbed, hair washed and brushed, shoes cleaned and maintained, and be given water, shelter, and food. That dead horse was a part of me; it is a part of me. Energy cannot be destroyed or be rid of. Instead energy can be transformed into something far more beautiful than we could ever imagine with our own understanding. I needed refinement and strengthening. I needed soul training. God didn't beat me or the horse one bit; I did that to myself before anyone else could as a way to feel safe and in control of the process or outcome. God gave me strength to rise and run again. He gave me courage and hope and filled my ears with shouts of praise and glory. He reminded me that he sees my heart and it’s full of love. He tells me to keep going because it is what is true for me and he wants me to be happy.

In my experiences with dating women so far I have come to learn that I am far happier in that space together. I have realized that the PTSD and triggers I had in similar situations with men aren't happening at all with women. The triggers are an afterthought of “oh, that would usually be a trigger for me, but for some reason it’s not.” It is 150% natural for me. I don’t have to make or convince myself to want to be with the person. Being with women for me is expansive and feels safe and whole and that is the flow I allow.

Many times I have shouted words of anger and rage at God and I've shoved him out a time or two in moments of despair or frustration. I didn't understand why I would come designed to like the same gender and it felt unfair. It didn't make sense to me why God would expect someone to be miserable the rest of their lives because sharing all the love I had & the way that I can would be considered sinful (keep in mind this is within the context of religious practices/beliefs of celibacy before marriage and monogamy the remainder of your life with one person of the opposite gender you are legally married to). God has made it very clear to me that I am to love with all of my heart. I came to this life to learn, experience, and be Love and this is part of God’s plan for me. I don’t claim to understand it really. I do trust the feeling of peace and joy I have with it though & those feelings always come from a higher power.

Years ago when getting a divorce after 9 years of marriage I felt like my world was falling apart, my world was turned upside down, and that I was running through hell. I finally realize that everything was happening for me so that my life could finally fall perfectly into place in the direction of dreams beyond my wildest imagination and then some. It has brought me to a place of gracious wonder, a place of joy, laughter, peace, and a soul transforming freedom. Yes, it was a deep space of darkness where I did not know anything anymore and the space of unknowing was unsettling. But after years of being spiritually nurtured I can see where God planted the seeds in fertile ground and assisted and waited patiently for me to break ground, grow, and bring forth beautiful fruits. It is in the darkness that I became open to receiving all of God’s creations for me and that I can now come forward in the light of his love and support. God doesn't withhold or filter his love and neither will I.

What My Secrets Are. So, What?

My Thoughts

In case you ever wondered, figured it out a long time ago, or would have never guessed I am bisexual. I don’t consider it my “identity” because it is not who I am. Bisexuality is just a part of my experience. I’m not hiding it anymore.

I want to make it clear that I believe that I would have same-sex attraction regardless of any earthly circumstances. I believe that it just is for me. I don’t know why my brain is wired bisexually & quite frankly I don’t understand why some people make such a big deal about it. I've heard a lot of, “God wouldn't make someone that way.” Well, have you ever noticed how many people in this world are born with diseases, disorders, deformities, and addictions? Well, God didn't make them any less valuable. There isn't a flaw in his design. This was on purpose and it has purpose.

I don’t understand it all, but I do know there is a great deal of compassion and empathy I have because of it. I love more deeply and more freely and more easily a wide variety of people because of the things I have been faced with. I don’t go around telling everyone “I have bipolar” because that’s not who I am, though I do have bipolar. I don’t go around asking people their gender identity either. Why would I? Would that information somehow change who they are? They are the same person they have always been whether you knew about a “condition” or not. There is no threat or fear in knowing someone’s secret.

The truth is God’s love is unconditional. There aren't any stipulations on who he loves. He doesn't say, “Oh. I see you are gay. I’m sorry I designed you that way. I guess you won’t get to be in Heaven with me.” Yeah, not even close. I’m tired of some cultural implications that there is something inherently wrong, bad, sinful, or unnatural about same gender attraction. Just because you don’t understand something, doesn't mean you can judge it. Some religions profess that those with “unnatural” thoughts will go to Hell, while other religions infer depending on who’s interpreting it, that you won’t make it to Heaven (It’s a passive aggressive way of saying, “You’re going to Hell.” It’s still not really nice).

"...common sense should tell us that no one would choose to be gay or lesbian. In a society where churches condemn them to hell, where they are the continuous butt of comedians' jokes and their very lives are threatened by warring fundamentalists, including mainline 'redneck' homophobics and white supremacists, why would anyone choose to be gay or lesbian? 'Coming out' simply means that a person is clear about his or her sexual orientation and has the courage to own it." --John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

My journey with same-gender attraction has been a lifelong one. It is not what I wanted and I strongly feel it is not something I would choose to have on my own account. It is what it is and there you have it.

The Beginnings *Please note that some people may be triggered by the mention of different events and experiences below. I do not go into anything close to details as they are not beneficial for anyone involved & are unnecessary to tell the story.

From an early age I was definitely a tomboy. I loved mud, toy cars, Lego, forts, playing cops & robbers, rough “boy” sports, & lots of similar things. In elementary school I was the girl who chased away boys on the playground when they were bothering other girls and I always played the dad in the dreaded playing house games. I was very protective of other girls. Most of my friends were boys though, somehow they seemed way less complex & I didn't have to bother talking about “girl stuff” with them.

By the time middle school hit, I had 1 friend who was a girl & the rest were boys. I still dressed and behaved as a tomboy & I was very chauvinistic. I had to prove that I was strong & I definitely was always on edge and on the defensive. I would get in fights with boys at school, though strangely never when a teacher was nearby. I even hit one boy on the head with a text book. Not my finest moments… Still, rumors had spread that I was gay, especially since I enjoyed spending time with our lesbian gym teachers.

My freshman year in high school a girl asked me, “Why do you only have friends that are guys?” So, then I switched to only having girls as friends. I didn't want people to even remotely think I was lesbian. No matter what school or city I was in (1 middle school & 3 different high schools) the rumor would crop up that I was gay. When I was working a co-worker once asked, “Why do you always dress like a boy?!” I don’t remember my reply. What I do remember is feeling shame and that something must have been wrong with me because people kept saying stuff like that.

I was not at all a stereotypical teenage girl.  I was being extra good with not making out with boys or doing anything close to it. I didn't date until after high school because I had no interest in “dumb boys. I didn't give a rip about anything that was popular at the time, especially not boy bands. *ick* I didn't dress anywhere near a feminine way for what our culture expects. I wore black, navy blue, and dark brown clothes most of the time and clothes that weren't a flattering fit at all. I never wore make up, unless it was a choir performance and that was because it was mandatory. I never did my hair really. It was a slicked back, gel-crusted, ponytail. I mostly wanted to not be noticed at all, to be invisible, and forgettable.

This was all an effort to keep myself protected from getting hurt sexually, physically, and emotionally. Why the protective mechanism? Well, if you haven’t read my previous post you can read it here. My first decade of childhood was filled with some physical abuse*, incest*, and other sexual abuse**. Women didn't hurt me nearly as much as men did, though I hated both genders (men more than women). I learned that no one, and no place was ever safe, not even sleeping or on vacations.

*Person is no longer living
**Non-family related person

Adulthood

I have lived most of my life in adamant denial of having any feelings or desires of same-gender attraction even as an adult and especially after admitting the truth to myself. I tried as best I could to keep it all hidden. Of course those who have a radar for that kind of thing could see me a mile away, so it obviously didn't work that well.

I had moved during college to a new place and felt like I needed to try to have guy friends again and date, after all that’s what most people were doing around me and I wanted to feel normal and fit in. I met a guy that I thought was cute and he liked my friend and asked me for advice on dating her. I was determined to be his friend and he later became my husband for about 9 years.

During those years I was really codependent in all of my relationships. I did not feel like my husband was emotionally available or connecting to me and he admitted to it later. I did what I knew and that was to find someone who needed me & would respond with some kind of interaction.

I had longed for a best friend that I could share my thoughts and feelings with. I finally found one while attending a class—I will call her Karen*. Karen and I were quick friends and spent a lot of time together. I initially didn't think much of how much time I was time and energy I was spending with her. People often told us that we looked and acted a lot like sisters & we did.

After a while a mutual friend Jenna* expressed some concern with behaviors and dynamics between Karen and me. I was shocked at what Jenna was asking and my world went spinning. My throat and heart felt like it dropped down into my stomach and it was all tight and twisted. I started to flail figuratively because someone called me out and I was not ready to admit it to myself or anyone else.

I remained friends with Karen for some time after that conversation and kept telling myself that my intentions were strictly sisterly. There was a night that stands out clearly in my mind that shocked me. Karen and I were talking in the car and we happened to look at each other (I don’t usually make a lot of eye contact, especially while having a conversation—long story) and in that moment I knew exactly what she and I were feeling on a romantic level and it scared me. Nothing happened as far as acting on the feeling goes. It was a night where I couldn't go on pretending I didn't have same-gender attraction.

I was devastated at “allowing” myself to get to that point. How could I betray everything I was taught in church? How could I deceive myself? I was reading scriptures, praying, going to church and therapy regularly, and I still couldn't stop feeling that way. I felt flawed and lost. I felt depressed and hopeless because I couldn't get it right with a guy or a girl. It was this whole damned if you do, damned if you don’t feeling. I felt stuck.

*Fictitious name used for purposes of anonymity

Brokenhearted

I was going through a tough divorce with my husband and the friendship I had with Karen was getting worse and I couldn't go on with either of them anymore. I felt like I was losing everything and everyone I loved all at the same time, and I did. It was a brutal wake-up call and has taken years to work through the patterns of codependency and the deep hurt I experienced. It was heartbreaking.

In all the lost-ness I finally had to take a good look at myself in the mirror. There were no more distractions, no one to project my shit onto, just me, all alone. I was afraid that if I talked about it people would run away from me. I thought people would think I liked them sexually because I could go either way. The truth is I’m rarely sexually attracted to another man or woman. It is not something I focus a lot on. Sure I notice someone is attractive and then I leave it at that.

Friends

I've only recently allowed myself to have female friends really close to me within the last few months, even though the other stuff happened over two years ago. I had to figure out where my ego was and if I was fishing for something more or if I genuinely was being a friend. I had to clarify my intent and why I was entering a relationship of any kind with a person. I didn't want to be ignorant or reckless anymore. My friends are a huge support and resource for me and have been so kind and loving in discussing same-gender attraction with me. They have been immensely compassionate, understanding, and accepting. It is their courage and vulnerability that inspires me to express mine.

They love and appreciate me for who I am and where I am at in my life. They hug me like any other person. When I cry they wrap their arms around me and let my tears fall on their shoulder. They listen with love and they express that they love me and what it is they love about me. Neither one of us is concerned or worried about sexual attraction. We’re just regular, everyday, awesome friends.

LDS Resources

For those who are LDS and LBGTQ there are some resources I have come across. There aren't any answers, but there is understanding, and you are definitely not alone! I hear you. I see you. I love you, just the way you are. I have cried watching many of the videos and it is close to home for me and what I have experienced. Please share my post or these resources with those you love and be mindful in your intent of doing so.

Voices of Hope

I'll Walk With You (LDS)
Sassy Song

There’s a song that goes perfectly with this that a friend of mine found. She played it for me and I laughed and cried because it spoke to me. Secrets, by Mary Lambert

Saying "Yes" & Saying "No": I Am the Only Star in My Show

I have done what most people don't dare to do. I have learned to say "no" to things that aren't serving me in the moment. I am practicing what it feels like to have boundaries, peace, and honoring my true self which inherently always honors others too. I am keenly aware of my tendencies, needs, and surroundings and I allow myself to be responsible for it. Not many people can say they are practicing being "in tune" with themselves on an authentic soul level.

I am saying "yes" to me and to the things that are essential and important for my individual needs. I am being accountable for myself and living with Soul Integrity. It is a beautiful thing to love myself without apologizing for it. I say "yes" to my spirit and "no" to my ego or "natural man". It's amazing really.

I have been learning to say no and yes to things as well and taking a look at what the motivation behind those decisions are. I am stepping off the Ego Train more often. I am not living for the expectations of others or the world anymore. I am allowing myself to do what I've always wanted and needed, what my soul has been yearning for and redirecting me to my whole life. I am practicing living life on purpose. I practice being aware of what truly honors me from my heart space in any given moment. Sometimes this means I say yes to things I wouldn't normally agree to (it kind of comes out before I have time to process it). Sometimes it means saying no to the supposed to's and most things that involve the word "should" (which typically can be shame based, though there are some should's that are appropriate like people should not abuse other people).

I have been told by many what I "should" do with my life and if I did it a different way I'd be happier and not struggle the way I am right now. I am serving the greater good of the whole world by listening and following what is true for me. I am finding out who is really supportive of me and who is not. I do not share my dreams, goals, and successes with non-supportive people who would likely try diminish my light because I'm mirroring something they're not comfortable with: happiness, joy, peace, success, living to the beat of my own drum, doing things that are non-traditional or "out of order" according to them, following my heart, soul, and spirit, living intuitively, honoring and serving myself first, nurturing and loving myself in only the way I can. In essence their discomfort can be a reflection of projecting their shame onto me, imposing their way is the right and/or only way, transferring their "story", feelings of better than or less than, not being enough, believing they are unlovable, that it (life) is unfair, not allowing or giving themselves permission to just "be" instead of "doing". Or it can be a reflection of the shame I hold and old limiting beliefs.

I'm okay if someone is triggered by me. I'm not responsible for how another person reacts, thinks, feels, or behaves. I'm okay that the strong emotions bring about an opportunity for everyone involved to learn and grow. It is potentially a humble and teachable moment where compassion for self and others can flourish. What I see in others, both the positive and the negative, is what I see in myself. It is not necessarily to the same extent. There may not be behavior in common, but the underlying beliefs behind it may be something that resonates on some level.

I am the only one "here". I am the only star on my individual stage and the only director I am really working with is God and I choose the parts I play. Everyone else that shows up in my life is a supporting role to help me learn about and see myself more clearly. This is true for everyone. This is why my choices truly are my own. I have the courage to be vulnerable and to share my truth. It is a beautiful thing and I love it.

*This post is in response to my friend, an amazing and talented writer among other things, Michelle Argyle's blog post, "What a World of Saying 'No' Is Like", it also shares her experience with HSP (Highly Sensitive Personality). I love her vulnerability and authenticity. It's so refreshing. While I was writing a response to her I realized that everything I was writing was really how I live my life now. I realized that I can see it so clearly in her because it is true for me. That is how this post was inspired.

**If you want to know more about living a life in Soul Integrity talk to me. I'd be happy to share with you some of my journey and where you can start your journey for yourself.

No Apologies: I'm Practicing Perfect-Imperfection

I am practicing living authentically from my heart. I’m realizing this means no more apologizing for experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, tendencies, or actions I've already worked through. No more. Yes, that’s right; I am choosing to practice vulnerability in speaking what is and has been true for me. My purpose in sharing such personal things is to bring light to the darkness and to be the champion I've always needed. I write about what I feel passionate about.

I am writing from my own individual experience & I am not speaking in blanket statements or in any way trying to project judgment, better than/less than mentality. If I come across that way, please message me privately so that I have a better understanding & I can clarify what it is I meant. There are times where I write or say something & may need to go back and edit the content. I am learning & practicing right alongside anyone who is reading this blog. We’re all human & there’s always room for more love because you can never have too much of it.

I know I am a teacher of a great many things. My best teaching comes from what I have learned in my own life. I hope by my sharing that others will have the courage to speak their truth to at least one other very trusted person at some point--my first one in full was a professional counselor. Shame thrives on secrecy & I’m tired of playing the shame games. The “skeletons” will be called out & may shock or surprise some people. Please know that I am not doing this to get special attention, pity, a reaction, or anything else like it. If there is judgment, leave it at the door where it belongs.

My intention is to have others learn from my experiences, whether it validates your own, speaks to your heart, calls for you to change, invites understanding & compassion, triggers discomfort or pain, or whatever else comes. Trust what comes up & trust that if there is a response that it is your body’s way of giving you information. Listen to it. The initial response will almost always be the correct response for you in that moment.

As to triggering others, many in leadership positions will bring up issues with authority. I am also usually confident and a bit of a know-it-all & that can trigger people too. I cannot help that I may or may not remind you of someone. I am willing to be a teacher, even if it means standing or holding a space that may feel uncomfortable.  I am practicing honing information into this format so as to not overwhelm the first person willing to listen to me with all of my bazillion thoughts going on (that’s been termed “puking rainbows” onto people. It’s good information, but too much at one time & for one person).

Over the years I have come to understand on a personal level that when a person is vulnerable with their "dark" experiences they are really entrusting you with their sacred and holy space. Please treat this/me with that understanding in mind.

My life experiences include: many years of sexual abuse (age 2-10) from many different people which contributed a lot to: acting out, addictions, becoming a perpetrator/abuser, co-dependent & abusive relationships, mental health concerns, PTSD, same-gender attraction, self-abuse and the like. There are also many generational patterns which contributed to the underlying beliefs. In large measure I have forgiven and let go. Forgetting is not helpful for me since the memory serves a greater purpose. It is how I remember it, if I’m relieving something or if I am working through it that makes the difference. I also know that my working through things is for the benefit of myself as well as for others. I will do my best not to give too many details & will maintain anonymity for the people involved as I firmly believe in a person’s ability to heal and change.

I have studied psychology & like-minded material for over 15 years now. I have an Associate of Arts degree from Western Nevada College in 2007. I am a licensed massage therapist & graduated from the Utah College of Massage Therapy—Lindon in August of 2011. I am trained in Emotional Release Facilitation from the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT & graduated in August of 2013. I have completed a Soul Integrity Mentorship in March of 2014 with my one of my mentor’s Staci Sadler & I am training to be certified as a Soul Integrity Mentor & an Aura Personality Consultant. I have 2 boys who keep me on my feet and are some of my greatest teachers. They have been guides and motivators over the years.

Lots of things have been on my mind lately & I know they are waiting in line to be shared outwardly in greater quantities. I visually can see the pages lining up so there is plenty more where this is coming from. Enter with care.

No One is Broken: 33 + Things I Know For Sure

There are many truths which I hold self-evident and one of them is that we are whole and no one is ever really broken. Yes, it is true we may feel broken beyond repair, yet that is an illusion and an ego-driven choice in an attempt to protect us from perceived emanate danger. I used to believe that because of life experiences of abuse that that meant that there must have been something inherently wrong with me or that I was wrong or deserving of it. This translated to deep feelings of shame for the simple fact that I existed. I am still working through elements of these beliefs. 

Recently I have come to love the word Atonement a lot more referring to it as At-One-Ment. It is becoming one with the divine within me. God is in me & I am in him. The Greek roots of the word “Atonement” comes from two parts. “A-,” meaning without or lacking (similar to the use in atypical); and “-Tomein,” meaning to divide or split (from the same root as “atom,” implying that it cannot be split). Thus the Atonement is the process of becoming indivisible. With this truth there is nothing that can ever separate us. I know that if I can come from darkness into light through the Atonement, then so can others. These are truths which I have learned through the fiery furnace of affliction:

1. There is no need to fear the darkness because I am in it & I am an infinite being of light. Everyone has some measure of light within them and because I know who I am, I shine bright as the stars.
2. It is in the depths of despair and in the gall of bitterness that I have witnessed sacred miracles. These miracles happened from the inside out.
3. I am not “my” stories, feelings, fears, emotions, career, relationship status, gender, age, nationality or race, religion, experiences, ego, etc.
4. Beneath the entire “story” I know for a surety that I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect.
5. There is a plan for me. There is always a plan for me. It is messy, chaotic feeling, surprising, challenging, rewarding, exhausting, and rejuvenating.
6. God’s got my back. He will never abandon me & he’s always there to support me.
7. Imperfection is the practice of perfection. It’s okay to mess up, make mistakes, and feel like I am failing miserably because that is how I learn, grow, and become stronger.
8. God knows me. He knows my path. He knows me by name and every intimate detail of my life. He knows what I am capable of and who I am.
9. God loves me passionately!
10. God blesses me beyond comprehensible measure.
11. I am innocent and pure and undefiled. Though I thought I was broken, dirty, used, ugly and abused, the truth is that no one can ever give or take any of that from me. No, not one! I am whole, complete, and finished exactly the way I am. I was born with that truth and I will die with that truth.
12. I am powerful beyond measure. (*Marianne Williamson)
13. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. (*Eleanor Roosevelt)
14. There was not anything I did to deserve to be treated in such a brutal or manipulative manner, never.
15. No one has earned the suffering of abuse. Yes, it happens, but I am not responsible for the actions of another.
16. I have done the best I could with what I had and that is good enough.
17. I realized that I am only responsible for myself and that codependency is suffocating and unhealthy.
18. I champion the cause of healthy relationships, most importantly with myself. For it is in self-relationship that my best work is performed.
19. I am my own best investment.
20. Worlds are changed and created. When I love myself opportunities will unfold, and I will be overflowing with love from others because I am open to receiving it at long last.
21. I stand as a guardian and a guide.
22. I have the ability to see beyond the lies and to release the inner fetters of my heart.
23. The pain of hell will be transformed in to the promised peace of heaven on earth.
24. I have the power to choose how I will respond and ultimately the course or path I will follow. –This is lots of practice by the way.
25. Freedom is a choice and it is a process.
26. I can ride the wave of emotion and there is no judgment for it.
27. I am known. I am seen. I am needed.
28. Failure is not an option because there is always something to learn.
29. I choose life. Life is always the best choice for me.
30. There came a point in time when I woke up from the darkness more than I ever thought possible. The days of crippling numbness dissipated. I realized that I wanted to change for myself regardless of what anyone else thought. I began to feel again, express emotions, feel joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. I realized that I can be happy regardless of whatever else is going on around me.
31. It is out of the darkness that we truly come to the greatest light. Contrast is essential. Because as Martin Luther King Jr. said, “God makes a way where there is no way. When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnight's let us remember that… [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays in to bright tomorrows.”
32. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!
33. No one is broken (see the beginning). 

I am at the point where I can share things of my past quite openly. At times it seems like those experiences were someone else’s. From the depths of despair God hath redeemed my soul from a living hell and has transformed my pain into promise and my hell into heaven. I now transcend painful experiences into positive passion and self-love. My darkest days of sexual abuse, addictions, codependency, abandonment, suicidal thinking, and self-hatred have been redeemed because I am willing to learn, grow, and let go.

In large measure though, greater than I ever thought possible or imaginable, I have found healing from within. Over the years I have slowly been quickened in my understanding and thirst for relief from suffering. I have found that Christ truly is the living water from which I can always draw strength from.

My life stands as a witness of health, hope, and healing. I have become new, clean, and born again. I stand worthy in my imperfections to stand in the presence of God and his angels. I am light. I am life. I am a warrior of love. Wholeness that was always present from before my birth is a viewpoint which has been restored.

This poem I wrote sums up the process quite beautifully.

Wholeness Restored

Broken no more

Never broken before

What once was?

Is now, no more

God mended and

Strengthened the

Weak and worn

Gave hope to desolation

Health to the heart

And through the mind

Light to the Spirit,

And Soul, in kind

The Eternal Truth

Has been restored in

Virtue, Wisdom

And the Word

I think I can.

I believe I can.
I will.

And I am.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE?My friend asked a question in conjunction with a blog post of her own "Untouched". Her question was, "Are our souls intact and untouched from this life, or can an immortal soul be damaged? Can anything be healed or are some pains doomed to haunt and scar us forever?"

My post is in response to that question posed separately from the post. I realize that there is so much more that can be written in response to her questions & I'm barely scratching the surface with my response. Please add your own on both of our blogs. I love the expanse of learning from one another.

It's not about the problems or the labels

I'm going to open, honest, and vulnerable here. I met with a life coach professional in regards to some "problem behaviors" I have been experiencing with a child. I have previous trauma which I feel triggered when my he/she exhibits certain behaviors. I went to the appointment knowing that it was going to be all about what I needed to change and that is exactly what happened. 

I have put this professional and her team on a bit of a pedestal and I enjoyed meeting them on a more personal level. I did a lot of listening (I’m normally a jabber mouth). We talked before, during, and after the taping. Here are some of the things I learned & interpreted from our meeting, glean from it what you will:

·         I was thanked for being personal and willing to share my experience.

·         The truth is I need to heal my own wounded inner child and continue to do that work.

·         I am too hard on myself. I have come a long way from where I was before and need to give myself credit for being an awesome mom.

·         I am very powerful.

·         I was looking at this child as a “problem” and he/she was obliging to be obedient to that belief and supported it in behaviors. He/She is not a problem and is not any of the labels. He/She is just themselves.

·         I need to stop giving attention and using words that express a “problems” focus. The negative attention reinforces the behaviors.

·         I need to stop apologizing for him/her. I use the labels when I feel uncomfortable.

·         Autism is typically a diagnosis of an extreme expression of (Earth or Metal) energy.

·         I have to stop comparing him/her to other people (or rather projecting my experiences with other people that I felt hurt by with similar energy types). He/she is not them and it is not fair to him/her for me to re-play that.

·         I have a flurry of energy and he/she is picking up on that and connecting with me through that (it feels too intense). He/she is very much grounded and naturally still and I need to be more grounded and help him/her be grounded as well.

·         I need to be direct and straightforward with him.

·         I talk too much. He/She would like it if I was more efficient with words and stop trying to make him/her talk to me.

·         He/She wants to connect with me and I am steering the ship. I’m the adult and I’m setting the stage and he/she is playing the part/role I assigned him/her (even though it’s not true to his/her nature).

·         He/She is a 9 years old. Let him/her be a kid. I know how to honor him/her and allow that space.

·         He/She could be a comedian someday.

·         I need to re-read The Child Whisperer on Type 4 energy so that I can give him the kind of attention he/she needs from me.

·         He/she needs time to be alone.

I did realize that the word “problem” holds a lot of weight for me. I grew up not wanting to be the problem child and believing that having needs was bad and thus I would be a problem. I chose to feel shame when I did not have my needs met the way I wanted them to.

I have been listening to a book called Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. From it I realize that I am reflecting the shame I learned onto my children. Most families have a scapegoat, black sheep, or problem child of some sort. This is the person that the family sets up to take the blame for the outwardly negative shame. It comes from a place of discomfort of our own feelings, or dealing with trauma and then using someone else as the distraction (so that you don’t have to draw attention to your weaknesses or face your own “problems”).

I took the place of shame called “perfectionism” and being a know-it-all. My siblings have been some of my greatest teachers and I am grateful for their. I have learned a great deal of love, compassion, and empathy with them as a part of our family. Their sacred contract with me was life changing and has shaped me into the woman I am today.

A side note about labels

Children are not cereal boxes with labels. They really are people and it's is more about what's inside the box than what we "see", albeit an illusion, on the outside. What's beneath the label. Who are they and who are we really?

Stop Labeling ChildrenUpon further reflection I realize my child is a Little Warrior who provides me with ample opportunity to take down my heart-walls. It is a knock at the door (or a pounding on the wall) as an open invitation to see beyond the reactionary shield and to be in the moment of raw emotions and experience an open heart. When I feel triggered it really is my inner child wanting to be heard. Am I listening to what she really needs? The lesson I need to learn most is within me. When I “get it” I can extend that great love and compassion to my family and those around me. Love begins with me and I am the driver of my life. I direct myself and I have the blessed opportunity to teach my children how to do that for themselves.