Landslide Brought You Down?

Sometimes life can feel utterly overwhelming and yesterday was like that for me and many people I know. I couldn't hold back or maintain "composure". I cried getting massaged and afterward too. I pulled myself together to spend time with my boys, and again found that the swelling of emotions just kept spilling over.

At the end of the day I found myself crying on the floor at a toy store. I had just made a mindful plea wishing I just had a friend to sit with me. Minutes later an old friend I hadn't seen in years walked right by me and upon a second look realized who I was. She sat with me for a while and listened to the snapshot of what was going on and held space for me. We hugged and I thanked her for being there for me.

On the way home I saw the way the light was breaking through the storm clouds and in that moment I identified with that. God wants the light to break forth through me. God is working a beautiful miracle within me and bringing light to some of the darkest parts of my experiences. I am reminded that in the tempestuous storm a new day always comes and light follows the dark.

God is excellent at new beginnings. I've noticed a pattern over the years in my life and they tend to be big sweeping changes all at once. Rather than the painstaking process of having me remodel an outmoded belief system he sends in a landslide. He takes care of the demolition and tells me it's time to move forward and be open to new things however they show up. My job then becomes to love what is.

As I search for meaning in all of this, in all the feelings of nothingness I wrestle a bit with ego on self-worth. Ego would have me believe that I'm a failure and that I'm weak and incapable. Ego would have me believe that my worth is directly correlated to the status of my bank account, relationships, career, or any other constructs it deems "worthy" of importance.

What am I left with when nearly everything has systematically been removed, taken away, or walked out of my life? What is left when I'm left with next to nothing? What happens when you've hit rock bottom before in your life and come to realize that there's a new rock bottom you never expected?

Well, I'm here to tell you and to remind myself that in the wake of the storm the only thing that's left is you—beautiful, adorable, sweet and messy you. All that's left is what you started with and that's Love. Nothing can add or take away your value. You are valuable simply because you exist and that's all there is to it.

As I reflect on how I have been feeling I am grateful that I am feeling. I'm grateful for beautiful people in my life who encourage me to be vulnerable, authentic, and honor myself. They remind me of who I am, that there is strength even in weakness, that things will work out, and I'll be stronger for it. 

I am grateful to have the ease of access to so many wonderful outlets and resources and for the power of my God-given gifts and abilities, especially my voice. I am grateful to experience healing on so many levels for myself and for the privilege of being able to hold space and witness others do the same for themselves. I'm grateful for the ugly tears and sadness and for laughter that also brings cleansing.

So, my fellow Warriors of Love, when in doubt love yourself more! Take it one moment and one day at a time. You're not alone in your suffering or your pain and someday a little bit of joy might creep in again. And when you're not sure what to do, practice nurturing and being with yourself. After all, you are your own best investment. Remember where there is peace, clarity, and joy there is your path. It may not logically make sense and that's okay. Just lean into the discomfort and trust that God and the entire Universe have got your back. You'll be okay. I promise. Love on Warriors, love on.

Saying "Yes" & Saying "No": I Am the Only Star in My Show

I have done what most people don't dare to do. I have learned to say "no" to things that aren't serving me in the moment. I am practicing what it feels like to have boundaries, peace, and honoring my true self which inherently always honors others too. I am keenly aware of my tendencies, needs, and surroundings and I allow myself to be responsible for it. Not many people can say they are practicing being "in tune" with themselves on an authentic soul level.

I am saying "yes" to me and to the things that are essential and important for my individual needs. I am being accountable for myself and living with Soul Integrity. It is a beautiful thing to love myself without apologizing for it. I say "yes" to my spirit and "no" to my ego or "natural man". It's amazing really.

I have been learning to say no and yes to things as well and taking a look at what the motivation behind those decisions are. I am stepping off the Ego Train more often. I am not living for the expectations of others or the world anymore. I am allowing myself to do what I've always wanted and needed, what my soul has been yearning for and redirecting me to my whole life. I am practicing living life on purpose. I practice being aware of what truly honors me from my heart space in any given moment. Sometimes this means I say yes to things I wouldn't normally agree to (it kind of comes out before I have time to process it). Sometimes it means saying no to the supposed to's and most things that involve the word "should" (which typically can be shame based, though there are some should's that are appropriate like people should not abuse other people).

I have been told by many what I "should" do with my life and if I did it a different way I'd be happier and not struggle the way I am right now. I am serving the greater good of the whole world by listening and following what is true for me. I am finding out who is really supportive of me and who is not. I do not share my dreams, goals, and successes with non-supportive people who would likely try diminish my light because I'm mirroring something they're not comfortable with: happiness, joy, peace, success, living to the beat of my own drum, doing things that are non-traditional or "out of order" according to them, following my heart, soul, and spirit, living intuitively, honoring and serving myself first, nurturing and loving myself in only the way I can. In essence their discomfort can be a reflection of projecting their shame onto me, imposing their way is the right and/or only way, transferring their "story", feelings of better than or less than, not being enough, believing they are unlovable, that it (life) is unfair, not allowing or giving themselves permission to just "be" instead of "doing". Or it can be a reflection of the shame I hold and old limiting beliefs.

I'm okay if someone is triggered by me. I'm not responsible for how another person reacts, thinks, feels, or behaves. I'm okay that the strong emotions bring about an opportunity for everyone involved to learn and grow. It is potentially a humble and teachable moment where compassion for self and others can flourish. What I see in others, both the positive and the negative, is what I see in myself. It is not necessarily to the same extent. There may not be behavior in common, but the underlying beliefs behind it may be something that resonates on some level.

I am the only one "here". I am the only star on my individual stage and the only director I am really working with is God and I choose the parts I play. Everyone else that shows up in my life is a supporting role to help me learn about and see myself more clearly. This is true for everyone. This is why my choices truly are my own. I have the courage to be vulnerable and to share my truth. It is a beautiful thing and I love it.

*This post is in response to my friend, an amazing and talented writer among other things, Michelle Argyle's blog post, "What a World of Saying 'No' Is Like", it also shares her experience with HSP (Highly Sensitive Personality). I love her vulnerability and authenticity. It's so refreshing. While I was writing a response to her I realized that everything I was writing was really how I live my life now. I realized that I can see it so clearly in her because it is true for me. That is how this post was inspired.

**If you want to know more about living a life in Soul Integrity talk to me. I'd be happy to share with you some of my journey and where you can start your journey for yourself.

No Apologies: I'm Practicing Perfect-Imperfection

I am practicing living authentically from my heart. I’m realizing this means no more apologizing for experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, tendencies, or actions I've already worked through. No more. Yes, that’s right; I am choosing to practice vulnerability in speaking what is and has been true for me. My purpose in sharing such personal things is to bring light to the darkness and to be the champion I've always needed. I write about what I feel passionate about.

I am writing from my own individual experience & I am not speaking in blanket statements or in any way trying to project judgment, better than/less than mentality. If I come across that way, please message me privately so that I have a better understanding & I can clarify what it is I meant. There are times where I write or say something & may need to go back and edit the content. I am learning & practicing right alongside anyone who is reading this blog. We’re all human & there’s always room for more love because you can never have too much of it.

I know I am a teacher of a great many things. My best teaching comes from what I have learned in my own life. I hope by my sharing that others will have the courage to speak their truth to at least one other very trusted person at some point--my first one in full was a professional counselor. Shame thrives on secrecy & I’m tired of playing the shame games. The “skeletons” will be called out & may shock or surprise some people. Please know that I am not doing this to get special attention, pity, a reaction, or anything else like it. If there is judgment, leave it at the door where it belongs.

My intention is to have others learn from my experiences, whether it validates your own, speaks to your heart, calls for you to change, invites understanding & compassion, triggers discomfort or pain, or whatever else comes. Trust what comes up & trust that if there is a response that it is your body’s way of giving you information. Listen to it. The initial response will almost always be the correct response for you in that moment.

As to triggering others, many in leadership positions will bring up issues with authority. I am also usually confident and a bit of a know-it-all & that can trigger people too. I cannot help that I may or may not remind you of someone. I am willing to be a teacher, even if it means standing or holding a space that may feel uncomfortable.  I am practicing honing information into this format so as to not overwhelm the first person willing to listen to me with all of my bazillion thoughts going on (that’s been termed “puking rainbows” onto people. It’s good information, but too much at one time & for one person).

Over the years I have come to understand on a personal level that when a person is vulnerable with their "dark" experiences they are really entrusting you with their sacred and holy space. Please treat this/me with that understanding in mind.

My life experiences include: many years of sexual abuse (age 2-10) from many different people which contributed a lot to: acting out, addictions, becoming a perpetrator/abuser, co-dependent & abusive relationships, mental health concerns, PTSD, same-gender attraction, self-abuse and the like. There are also many generational patterns which contributed to the underlying beliefs. In large measure I have forgiven and let go. Forgetting is not helpful for me since the memory serves a greater purpose. It is how I remember it, if I’m relieving something or if I am working through it that makes the difference. I also know that my working through things is for the benefit of myself as well as for others. I will do my best not to give too many details & will maintain anonymity for the people involved as I firmly believe in a person’s ability to heal and change.

I have studied psychology & like-minded material for over 15 years now. I have an Associate of Arts degree from Western Nevada College in 2007. I am a licensed massage therapist & graduated from the Utah College of Massage Therapy—Lindon in August of 2011. I am trained in Emotional Release Facilitation from the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT & graduated in August of 2013. I have completed a Soul Integrity Mentorship in March of 2014 with my one of my mentor’s Staci Sadler & I am training to be certified as a Soul Integrity Mentor & an Aura Personality Consultant. I have 2 boys who keep me on my feet and are some of my greatest teachers. They have been guides and motivators over the years.

Lots of things have been on my mind lately & I know they are waiting in line to be shared outwardly in greater quantities. I visually can see the pages lining up so there is plenty more where this is coming from. Enter with care.