The Perfect Illusion: A Memoir of My Former Lover

I'm now realizing that relationships tend to end the way they begin and in our case it was fast and furious with a side of “why the hell not?”! It didn't start out as alarmingly obvious. No, that took nearly 2 years from when we first met to today to completely unfold and implode while still exploding in my face.

My first experience with a girlfriend was a total nightmare. If there were 4 songs to represent our relationship they would be: Perfect Illusion, by Lady Gaga; Toxic, by Britney Spears; and Send My Love (To Your New Lover), by Adele; Oh, and our “song” was also perfect, Break Your Heart, by Taio Cruz. Yes, those all sum it all up quite truthfully.

The way we met was rather unexpected and obscure, and took me by surprise. I was flattered that you were interested in me and genuinely wanted to get to know me and about some of the things I love. You were seductive at the time and knew what you wanted in certain areas of life. You were a go-getter and I was on that list.

Somehow I was completely oblivious to how much you were into me and when we met in person I had a stiff amount of judgment I projected onto you. I was scared, and taking baby steps on being my true self felt death defying at the time. So, I pushed you away with the ever classic ghosting approach. I couldn't believe I did that to you and I hated when others did that to me. I never liked not knowing why someone wasn't interested anymore. Still I worked on getting more comfortable with my sexuality and my heart leaped at the chance to experience the thrills with you.

It was fun while it lasted. There was a sense of adventure and risk that I had never experienced before. It felt like I was the teenager I never allowed myself to be before. It was so opening, liberating, freeing, and amazing and I was definitely smitten by your charm.

We went back and forth a lot and couldn't decide whether we wanted to be together or not. By the end of 14 months of dating I estimate 6-7 breakups. Neither of us should have stayed with each other that long. Each time we broke up we just missed each other terribly and we were familiar, so we danced in the relationship a little longer.

Hardly anyone knew of the struggles and turmoil beneath the surface. While there were a lot of great things there were some pretty terrible ones too. I couldn't stand when you would drink too much. You became a different person and it was very emotionally, verbally, and at times physically abusive. One of the hardest parts was that you wouldn't remember what you said or did the next day. I was living with the painful wounds of what had been done. You would beg and plead me not to leave and I would put up with it, assuage you, and try to make it all better. I wanted to show you that someone could love you unconditionally, no matter what.

I realize now that it was awfully codependent of me to take on the role of caretaker with you. I set aside my needs and put you 1st when what I really needed was safety emotionally and physically. I put spiritual blinders on and overrode my own intuition on numerous occasions in the name of “love”.

What I forgot in all of it is that I needed to love myself first and to allow you to do the same for yourself. I forgot that I can love you or anyone else with as much heart as I can give, but I can't make you or anyone else receive it because you and they have to love themselves too. My inner child needed me to be her champion, and for a long time I kept telling her to “piper down!” And that's where my breaking point came into play.

I couldn't take the swearing, yelling, name calling or other forms of self-abuse projected at me anymore. I know it wasn't personal, but it felt humiliating and degrading. The things you said were your shame and your story, not mine, and I wasn't going to accept them as mine any longer.

Sure, I had a hard time not being girlfriends anymore, but that had nothing to do with the way things ended. The loving thing for me to do at 1 am that day was to make you dinner and ask if you wanted a plate as a good and caring friend. There wasn't neediness for attention in my desire to serve you, not even an ounce. Instead I was utterly bewildered at such a peculiar response which didn't fit the question or the situation. I was perplexed and wondering if I had inadvertently stepped into the Twilight Zone. It was a turning point and it was time for me to leave.

I had hoped you would cool down and see things more clearly later on, much like we had many, many times before. This time proved to be quite different though and you shut me out completely and didn't say a word. I had nothing to go on, no updates, no closure just a gaping wound for both of us. I gave you distance and space, and still no response.

It was agonizing not knowing how you were doing along the way. I still cared very deeply for you. I don't know why you pushed me with such energetic force or if it was even you initiating the process of doing so. It hurt that you couldn't give the decency of telling me yourself that you didn't want to be friends anymore & that I had to hear it from a 3rd party which may not even be accurate to what you actually felt. Still, it's all I had to go on and I did the best I could with what I had.

I started piecing together that you changed a lot starting back when you started going on weekends with some “friends”. I can't say for certain what has or has not happened between the two of you prior to us breaking up especially since substances were involved. What I can say is you started being belligerent, wouldn't look me in the eyes, avoided having any intimacy together, and wouldn't be physically affectionate in public anymore. You would yell, swear, and name call out in public and in private on a regular basis. You kept the other “friend” in the loop with everything going on and not me at all. When she showed up you acted as if I no longer existed or meant anything to you. I'm not dumb and I could see the way you two looked at each other. *And now I know you two got married to each other and I wish you the best.

I didn't want to see what was going on because I genuinely don't think in those terms. I'm not a cheater, liar, or manipulator so I don't assume someone is going to do that to me. I know we wouldn't have ever worked out at all and I don't see why things had to end so horribly. Maybe it's what you needed to get out of being with me and to make sure I really got the message that things were over. Maybe you want someone who has more sugar to offer you with less of an expectation of commitment and loyalty. Maybe you wanted someone who wasn't so fucking vulnerable and emotional all the time. And all of that's okay. You ended it in a really shitty way though and could have just told me what you were feeling.

So yes, I can't, won't, and will never be friends with you ever again because I deserve so much better. I deserve to have the kind of people in my life who are sweet, thoughtful, kind, considerate, loving, compassionate, understanding, and love me exactly where I'm at in all my “boring-ness”. I like it that way. I don't need to drink or smoke anything to feel, to love, to be open, or to have fun. We were destined to make an explosion together and that is precisely what happened.

I am grateful for the things I learned about myself. I learned how to be more comfortable with myself, loosen up a little, love fearlessly regardless of the consequence, and to appreciate things as they are because you never know when you're going to loose someone you “love” very much. I was broken open and I'm stronger for it. I now believe I deserve a much different kind of love because I love myself more. I have risen from the ashes like the Phoenix that I am and I'm soaring higher than ever before.

I now fully understand the phrase a counselor once told me, “If he's/she's charming, I'm running!” I was hooked, addicted, infatuated, and a bit obsessed with you. You were my drug of choice. Everything was so real to me and I believed every word you told me. Now I know it was all a lie, one big, elaborate series of lies. It wasn't love at all. It was counterfeit from the start. It was the perfect illusion. 

No One is Broken: 33 + Things I Know For Sure

There are many truths which I hold self-evident and one of them is that we are whole and no one is ever really broken. Yes, it is true we may feel broken beyond repair, yet that is an illusion and an ego-driven choice in an attempt to protect us from perceived emanate danger. I used to believe that because of life experiences of abuse that that meant that there must have been something inherently wrong with me or that I was wrong or deserving of it. This translated to deep feelings of shame for the simple fact that I existed. I am still working through elements of these beliefs. 

Recently I have come to love the word Atonement a lot more referring to it as At-One-Ment. It is becoming one with the divine within me. God is in me & I am in him. The Greek roots of the word “Atonement” comes from two parts. “A-,” meaning without or lacking (similar to the use in atypical); and “-Tomein,” meaning to divide or split (from the same root as “atom,” implying that it cannot be split). Thus the Atonement is the process of becoming indivisible. With this truth there is nothing that can ever separate us. I know that if I can come from darkness into light through the Atonement, then so can others. These are truths which I have learned through the fiery furnace of affliction:

1. There is no need to fear the darkness because I am in it & I am an infinite being of light. Everyone has some measure of light within them and because I know who I am, I shine bright as the stars.
2. It is in the depths of despair and in the gall of bitterness that I have witnessed sacred miracles. These miracles happened from the inside out.
3. I am not “my” stories, feelings, fears, emotions, career, relationship status, gender, age, nationality or race, religion, experiences, ego, etc.
4. Beneath the entire “story” I know for a surety that I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect.
5. There is a plan for me. There is always a plan for me. It is messy, chaotic feeling, surprising, challenging, rewarding, exhausting, and rejuvenating.
6. God’s got my back. He will never abandon me & he’s always there to support me.
7. Imperfection is the practice of perfection. It’s okay to mess up, make mistakes, and feel like I am failing miserably because that is how I learn, grow, and become stronger.
8. God knows me. He knows my path. He knows me by name and every intimate detail of my life. He knows what I am capable of and who I am.
9. God loves me passionately!
10. God blesses me beyond comprehensible measure.
11. I am innocent and pure and undefiled. Though I thought I was broken, dirty, used, ugly and abused, the truth is that no one can ever give or take any of that from me. No, not one! I am whole, complete, and finished exactly the way I am. I was born with that truth and I will die with that truth.
12. I am powerful beyond measure. (*Marianne Williamson)
13. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. (*Eleanor Roosevelt)
14. There was not anything I did to deserve to be treated in such a brutal or manipulative manner, never.
15. No one has earned the suffering of abuse. Yes, it happens, but I am not responsible for the actions of another.
16. I have done the best I could with what I had and that is good enough.
17. I realized that I am only responsible for myself and that codependency is suffocating and unhealthy.
18. I champion the cause of healthy relationships, most importantly with myself. For it is in self-relationship that my best work is performed.
19. I am my own best investment.
20. Worlds are changed and created. When I love myself opportunities will unfold, and I will be overflowing with love from others because I am open to receiving it at long last.
21. I stand as a guardian and a guide.
22. I have the ability to see beyond the lies and to release the inner fetters of my heart.
23. The pain of hell will be transformed in to the promised peace of heaven on earth.
24. I have the power to choose how I will respond and ultimately the course or path I will follow. –This is lots of practice by the way.
25. Freedom is a choice and it is a process.
26. I can ride the wave of emotion and there is no judgment for it.
27. I am known. I am seen. I am needed.
28. Failure is not an option because there is always something to learn.
29. I choose life. Life is always the best choice for me.
30. There came a point in time when I woke up from the darkness more than I ever thought possible. The days of crippling numbness dissipated. I realized that I wanted to change for myself regardless of what anyone else thought. I began to feel again, express emotions, feel joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. I realized that I can be happy regardless of whatever else is going on around me.
31. It is out of the darkness that we truly come to the greatest light. Contrast is essential. Because as Martin Luther King Jr. said, “God makes a way where there is no way. When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnight's let us remember that… [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays in to bright tomorrows.”
32. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!
33. No one is broken (see the beginning). 

I am at the point where I can share things of my past quite openly. At times it seems like those experiences were someone else’s. From the depths of despair God hath redeemed my soul from a living hell and has transformed my pain into promise and my hell into heaven. I now transcend painful experiences into positive passion and self-love. My darkest days of sexual abuse, addictions, codependency, abandonment, suicidal thinking, and self-hatred have been redeemed because I am willing to learn, grow, and let go.

In large measure though, greater than I ever thought possible or imaginable, I have found healing from within. Over the years I have slowly been quickened in my understanding and thirst for relief from suffering. I have found that Christ truly is the living water from which I can always draw strength from.

My life stands as a witness of health, hope, and healing. I have become new, clean, and born again. I stand worthy in my imperfections to stand in the presence of God and his angels. I am light. I am life. I am a warrior of love. Wholeness that was always present from before my birth is a viewpoint which has been restored.

This poem I wrote sums up the process quite beautifully.

Wholeness Restored

Broken no more

Never broken before

What once was?

Is now, no more

God mended and

Strengthened the

Weak and worn

Gave hope to desolation

Health to the heart

And through the mind

Light to the Spirit,

And Soul, in kind

The Eternal Truth

Has been restored in

Virtue, Wisdom

And the Word

I think I can.

I believe I can.
I will.

And I am.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE?My friend asked a question in conjunction with a blog post of her own "Untouched". Her question was, "Are our souls intact and untouched from this life, or can an immortal soul be damaged? Can anything be healed or are some pains doomed to haunt and scar us forever?"

My post is in response to that question posed separately from the post. I realize that there is so much more that can be written in response to her questions & I'm barely scratching the surface with my response. Please add your own on both of our blogs. I love the expanse of learning from one another.