No Apologies: I'm Practicing Perfect-Imperfection

I am practicing living authentically from my heart. I’m realizing this means no more apologizing for experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, tendencies, or actions I've already worked through. No more. Yes, that’s right; I am choosing to practice vulnerability in speaking what is and has been true for me. My purpose in sharing such personal things is to bring light to the darkness and to be the champion I've always needed. I write about what I feel passionate about.

I am writing from my own individual experience & I am not speaking in blanket statements or in any way trying to project judgment, better than/less than mentality. If I come across that way, please message me privately so that I have a better understanding & I can clarify what it is I meant. There are times where I write or say something & may need to go back and edit the content. I am learning & practicing right alongside anyone who is reading this blog. We’re all human & there’s always room for more love because you can never have too much of it.

I know I am a teacher of a great many things. My best teaching comes from what I have learned in my own life. I hope by my sharing that others will have the courage to speak their truth to at least one other very trusted person at some point--my first one in full was a professional counselor. Shame thrives on secrecy & I’m tired of playing the shame games. The “skeletons” will be called out & may shock or surprise some people. Please know that I am not doing this to get special attention, pity, a reaction, or anything else like it. If there is judgment, leave it at the door where it belongs.

My intention is to have others learn from my experiences, whether it validates your own, speaks to your heart, calls for you to change, invites understanding & compassion, triggers discomfort or pain, or whatever else comes. Trust what comes up & trust that if there is a response that it is your body’s way of giving you information. Listen to it. The initial response will almost always be the correct response for you in that moment.

As to triggering others, many in leadership positions will bring up issues with authority. I am also usually confident and a bit of a know-it-all & that can trigger people too. I cannot help that I may or may not remind you of someone. I am willing to be a teacher, even if it means standing or holding a space that may feel uncomfortable.  I am practicing honing information into this format so as to not overwhelm the first person willing to listen to me with all of my bazillion thoughts going on (that’s been termed “puking rainbows” onto people. It’s good information, but too much at one time & for one person).

Over the years I have come to understand on a personal level that when a person is vulnerable with their "dark" experiences they are really entrusting you with their sacred and holy space. Please treat this/me with that understanding in mind.

My life experiences include: many years of sexual abuse (age 2-10) from many different people which contributed a lot to: acting out, addictions, becoming a perpetrator/abuser, co-dependent & abusive relationships, mental health concerns, PTSD, same-gender attraction, self-abuse and the like. There are also many generational patterns which contributed to the underlying beliefs. In large measure I have forgiven and let go. Forgetting is not helpful for me since the memory serves a greater purpose. It is how I remember it, if I’m relieving something or if I am working through it that makes the difference. I also know that my working through things is for the benefit of myself as well as for others. I will do my best not to give too many details & will maintain anonymity for the people involved as I firmly believe in a person’s ability to heal and change.

I have studied psychology & like-minded material for over 15 years now. I have an Associate of Arts degree from Western Nevada College in 2007. I am a licensed massage therapist & graduated from the Utah College of Massage Therapy—Lindon in August of 2011. I am trained in Emotional Release Facilitation from the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT & graduated in August of 2013. I have completed a Soul Integrity Mentorship in March of 2014 with my one of my mentor’s Staci Sadler & I am training to be certified as a Soul Integrity Mentor & an Aura Personality Consultant. I have 2 boys who keep me on my feet and are some of my greatest teachers. They have been guides and motivators over the years.

Lots of things have been on my mind lately & I know they are waiting in line to be shared outwardly in greater quantities. I visually can see the pages lining up so there is plenty more where this is coming from. Enter with care.

No One is Broken: 33 + Things I Know For Sure

There are many truths which I hold self-evident and one of them is that we are whole and no one is ever really broken. Yes, it is true we may feel broken beyond repair, yet that is an illusion and an ego-driven choice in an attempt to protect us from perceived emanate danger. I used to believe that because of life experiences of abuse that that meant that there must have been something inherently wrong with me or that I was wrong or deserving of it. This translated to deep feelings of shame for the simple fact that I existed. I am still working through elements of these beliefs. 

Recently I have come to love the word Atonement a lot more referring to it as At-One-Ment. It is becoming one with the divine within me. God is in me & I am in him. The Greek roots of the word “Atonement” comes from two parts. “A-,” meaning without or lacking (similar to the use in atypical); and “-Tomein,” meaning to divide or split (from the same root as “atom,” implying that it cannot be split). Thus the Atonement is the process of becoming indivisible. With this truth there is nothing that can ever separate us. I know that if I can come from darkness into light through the Atonement, then so can others. These are truths which I have learned through the fiery furnace of affliction:

1. There is no need to fear the darkness because I am in it & I am an infinite being of light. Everyone has some measure of light within them and because I know who I am, I shine bright as the stars.
2. It is in the depths of despair and in the gall of bitterness that I have witnessed sacred miracles. These miracles happened from the inside out.
3. I am not “my” stories, feelings, fears, emotions, career, relationship status, gender, age, nationality or race, religion, experiences, ego, etc.
4. Beneath the entire “story” I know for a surety that I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect.
5. There is a plan for me. There is always a plan for me. It is messy, chaotic feeling, surprising, challenging, rewarding, exhausting, and rejuvenating.
6. God’s got my back. He will never abandon me & he’s always there to support me.
7. Imperfection is the practice of perfection. It’s okay to mess up, make mistakes, and feel like I am failing miserably because that is how I learn, grow, and become stronger.
8. God knows me. He knows my path. He knows me by name and every intimate detail of my life. He knows what I am capable of and who I am.
9. God loves me passionately!
10. God blesses me beyond comprehensible measure.
11. I am innocent and pure and undefiled. Though I thought I was broken, dirty, used, ugly and abused, the truth is that no one can ever give or take any of that from me. No, not one! I am whole, complete, and finished exactly the way I am. I was born with that truth and I will die with that truth.
12. I am powerful beyond measure. (*Marianne Williamson)
13. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. (*Eleanor Roosevelt)
14. There was not anything I did to deserve to be treated in such a brutal or manipulative manner, never.
15. No one has earned the suffering of abuse. Yes, it happens, but I am not responsible for the actions of another.
16. I have done the best I could with what I had and that is good enough.
17. I realized that I am only responsible for myself and that codependency is suffocating and unhealthy.
18. I champion the cause of healthy relationships, most importantly with myself. For it is in self-relationship that my best work is performed.
19. I am my own best investment.
20. Worlds are changed and created. When I love myself opportunities will unfold, and I will be overflowing with love from others because I am open to receiving it at long last.
21. I stand as a guardian and a guide.
22. I have the ability to see beyond the lies and to release the inner fetters of my heart.
23. The pain of hell will be transformed in to the promised peace of heaven on earth.
24. I have the power to choose how I will respond and ultimately the course or path I will follow. –This is lots of practice by the way.
25. Freedom is a choice and it is a process.
26. I can ride the wave of emotion and there is no judgment for it.
27. I am known. I am seen. I am needed.
28. Failure is not an option because there is always something to learn.
29. I choose life. Life is always the best choice for me.
30. There came a point in time when I woke up from the darkness more than I ever thought possible. The days of crippling numbness dissipated. I realized that I wanted to change for myself regardless of what anyone else thought. I began to feel again, express emotions, feel joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. I realized that I can be happy regardless of whatever else is going on around me.
31. It is out of the darkness that we truly come to the greatest light. Contrast is essential. Because as Martin Luther King Jr. said, “God makes a way where there is no way. When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnight's let us remember that… [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays in to bright tomorrows.”
32. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!
33. No one is broken (see the beginning). 

I am at the point where I can share things of my past quite openly. At times it seems like those experiences were someone else’s. From the depths of despair God hath redeemed my soul from a living hell and has transformed my pain into promise and my hell into heaven. I now transcend painful experiences into positive passion and self-love. My darkest days of sexual abuse, addictions, codependency, abandonment, suicidal thinking, and self-hatred have been redeemed because I am willing to learn, grow, and let go.

In large measure though, greater than I ever thought possible or imaginable, I have found healing from within. Over the years I have slowly been quickened in my understanding and thirst for relief from suffering. I have found that Christ truly is the living water from which I can always draw strength from.

My life stands as a witness of health, hope, and healing. I have become new, clean, and born again. I stand worthy in my imperfections to stand in the presence of God and his angels. I am light. I am life. I am a warrior of love. Wholeness that was always present from before my birth is a viewpoint which has been restored.

This poem I wrote sums up the process quite beautifully.

Wholeness Restored

Broken no more

Never broken before

What once was?

Is now, no more

God mended and

Strengthened the

Weak and worn

Gave hope to desolation

Health to the heart

And through the mind

Light to the Spirit,

And Soul, in kind

The Eternal Truth

Has been restored in

Virtue, Wisdom

And the Word

I think I can.

I believe I can.
I will.

And I am.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE?My friend asked a question in conjunction with a blog post of her own "Untouched". Her question was, "Are our souls intact and untouched from this life, or can an immortal soul be damaged? Can anything be healed or are some pains doomed to haunt and scar us forever?"

My post is in response to that question posed separately from the post. I realize that there is so much more that can be written in response to her questions & I'm barely scratching the surface with my response. Please add your own on both of our blogs. I love the expanse of learning from one another.

It's not about the problems or the labels

I'm going to open, honest, and vulnerable here. I met with a life coach professional in regards to some "problem behaviors" I have been experiencing with a child. I have previous trauma which I feel triggered when my he/she exhibits certain behaviors. I went to the appointment knowing that it was going to be all about what I needed to change and that is exactly what happened. 

I have put this professional and her team on a bit of a pedestal and I enjoyed meeting them on a more personal level. I did a lot of listening (I’m normally a jabber mouth). We talked before, during, and after the taping. Here are some of the things I learned & interpreted from our meeting, glean from it what you will:

·         I was thanked for being personal and willing to share my experience.

·         The truth is I need to heal my own wounded inner child and continue to do that work.

·         I am too hard on myself. I have come a long way from where I was before and need to give myself credit for being an awesome mom.

·         I am very powerful.

·         I was looking at this child as a “problem” and he/she was obliging to be obedient to that belief and supported it in behaviors. He/She is not a problem and is not any of the labels. He/She is just themselves.

·         I need to stop giving attention and using words that express a “problems” focus. The negative attention reinforces the behaviors.

·         I need to stop apologizing for him/her. I use the labels when I feel uncomfortable.

·         Autism is typically a diagnosis of an extreme expression of (Earth or Metal) energy.

·         I have to stop comparing him/her to other people (or rather projecting my experiences with other people that I felt hurt by with similar energy types). He/she is not them and it is not fair to him/her for me to re-play that.

·         I have a flurry of energy and he/she is picking up on that and connecting with me through that (it feels too intense). He/she is very much grounded and naturally still and I need to be more grounded and help him/her be grounded as well.

·         I need to be direct and straightforward with him.

·         I talk too much. He/She would like it if I was more efficient with words and stop trying to make him/her talk to me.

·         He/She wants to connect with me and I am steering the ship. I’m the adult and I’m setting the stage and he/she is playing the part/role I assigned him/her (even though it’s not true to his/her nature).

·         He/She is a 9 years old. Let him/her be a kid. I know how to honor him/her and allow that space.

·         He/She could be a comedian someday.

·         I need to re-read The Child Whisperer on Type 4 energy so that I can give him the kind of attention he/she needs from me.

·         He/she needs time to be alone.

I did realize that the word “problem” holds a lot of weight for me. I grew up not wanting to be the problem child and believing that having needs was bad and thus I would be a problem. I chose to feel shame when I did not have my needs met the way I wanted them to.

I have been listening to a book called Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. From it I realize that I am reflecting the shame I learned onto my children. Most families have a scapegoat, black sheep, or problem child of some sort. This is the person that the family sets up to take the blame for the outwardly negative shame. It comes from a place of discomfort of our own feelings, or dealing with trauma and then using someone else as the distraction (so that you don’t have to draw attention to your weaknesses or face your own “problems”).

I took the place of shame called “perfectionism” and being a know-it-all. My siblings have been some of my greatest teachers and I am grateful for their. I have learned a great deal of love, compassion, and empathy with them as a part of our family. Their sacred contract with me was life changing and has shaped me into the woman I am today.

A side note about labels

Children are not cereal boxes with labels. They really are people and it's is more about what's inside the box than what we "see", albeit an illusion, on the outside. What's beneath the label. Who are they and who are we really?

Stop Labeling ChildrenUpon further reflection I realize my child is a Little Warrior who provides me with ample opportunity to take down my heart-walls. It is a knock at the door (or a pounding on the wall) as an open invitation to see beyond the reactionary shield and to be in the moment of raw emotions and experience an open heart. When I feel triggered it really is my inner child wanting to be heard. Am I listening to what she really needs? The lesson I need to learn most is within me. When I “get it” I can extend that great love and compassion to my family and those around me. Love begins with me and I am the driver of my life. I direct myself and I have the blessed opportunity to teach my children how to do that for themselves. 

Growth Becomes Me

When I started an alternative school a year ago I knew this was the place I needed to be at this time in my life. I did not realize what I was really signing up for & how much time & energy I would put into it, and consequently invest in myself. This school, the experience, is what you make of it. I have truly transformed into a renewed woman and if I were to read the “story” of how I did life before, I wouldn't believe it was the same person standing here.

I used to ask God the “Why me?” question. The questions I use more often are now:

·                 Why not me?

·                 What would you have me learn? Am I willing to learn it?

·                 What do you want me to do with this information & how could I use it to bless myself and others through you?

·                 What is it I really want?

·                 What will I do to create a new truth today?

The answers are not always immediately clear, or in the way, or time-frame I’d like. The answers will always come. They are replied to in the commanding affirmatives:

·                 You learn well.

·                 I have nourished and nurtured you all these years.

·                 I trust you. You have gifts to bless those around you and I know you will do it with love, compassion, and empathy. You can relate.

·                 I love you passionately and want you to know and feel me personally.

·                 You are a co-creator. The word is creative. Speak well & speak wisely.

From the present looking back I am able to see a different perspective. God does not make mistakes. He creates miracles! My greatest gifts and lessons have come from the darkest & most anguished parts of life experiences. For it is in the darkness that my greatest treasures can be found as I focus on the light I see there.

Some of the hardest things this last year were learning to walk away. In the Four Agreements it states, “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.” I have learned to make different choices and to stand up for myself. I have learned to change my thought processes. 

Changes in belief systems always precede a change in behavior. It is not until we fully recognize the what, when, how, and why of the belief that we can come to a place of greater awareness & informed choosing. We must come to an understanding of what our behavior costs us & what it is we really want. Is what you're doing getting you what you really want? Or, is what you're doing getting you what you fear most?

You create that which you most concern yourself with, what you put the most thought, time and energy into. That which we resist persists. I believed that I was unworthy of love & I found a way to validate my erroneous and egotistical belief. I even blocked my relationship with God because I felt I didn't even deserve his love. 

When we clarify our intent and purpose life happens more beautifully. We become clean, pure, whole, and full of light. We find joy and peace in purposeful living.

In processing one of my favorite questions asked are, "What is the truth about you? What is the whole truth? What have you learned from these experiences? Who have you become because of this?"

I now know these truths: I love myself enough to let go of huge fears that get in the way of having fun & enjoying outings with my family. I am vulnerable, open & honest. I am willing to get out of my zone of extreme safety and try some new things, and who knows, I might even like them. I am balanced in family, friends, and work. My family remains my first priority & I continue to learn and grow from them.

I live my life passionately, clearly, and with power and purpose. I look in the mirror and think, “Damn, I look good! How did I get to be so lucky to be me?” Yes, I am confident & self-assured. I speak & live in my truth. I know who I am. I am beautiful, kind, loving, and there’s no one else quite like me. I am my own person. I look forward to helping others transcend their painful experiences into positive passion and self-love as I have for myself. I grow in grace & I grow in God. Growth and healing becomes me. I am miraculous.

Lessons on Love

One night, I pretended to be asleep in my son’s bed. I told him that he had to sing me a song & tuck me in. He said, “Okay!” We decided that he could sing me the ABC’s or twinkle, twinkle. He chose the ABC’s. He starts singing enthusiastically & around the letter "P" interrupts and says, “Let me in!” and jumped in right next to me in his bed. We laughed together. “Let me in!” is now a term of endearment between my son & I. God certainly gave me young men to raise to learn how to love more fully and to become healed and balanced with male and female energy. I am more aware of my divided heart and mind on the matter of boys & men & how I fit in to the equation.

Children are natural teachers, but am I willing to learn the lessons they have for me? Can I really accept myself wholly and completely as a woman, and likewise do the same for men?

A girls’ first love is her Father. Not in a weird sort of way, but in a “I need your love, support, approval, affection, time, energy, and care, to know that I’m okay, that I’m good enough, that I can do anything, and that life really will work out and I can have my needs met, kind of way.”

Insecurity can have a lot to do with the fact that we left our previous Father and Mother figure & our life with them to come here to our earthly parents. We look to our fathers and mothers to fulfill certain roles & needs in our lives. For some of us the veil closing was & is quite frustrating. Personally I interpreted a deep level of rejection, because as a baby or young child the word “no” gets translated into all sorts of belief systems like “you don’t love me,” and having the veil close felt like a strong "you can't have that."

Most of my life I have desperately wanted love & approval. I wanted to fill the void of loneliness and fear—the feelings of not being good enough and that I was unworthy & undeserving of love. I believed that I couldn't have those things because I was bad (I thought there was something wrong with me because I didn't get that perfect love every instance when I wanted—no human could ever meet everyone’s expectations all the time, especially as a little kid with constant needs). Even God himself cannot grant us every single wish we have, what, when, and how we want it. Life doesn't flow very well with forceful demands, demand frustrates plans.

So, here I am as an adult on the outside, healing from experiences where I determined negative things about myself & the world around me, operating as a child on the inside. I typically don’t trust most people & don’t see why I would. Granted, I don’t want to feel this way on a logical/cognitive level. Emotionally though, I've been hurt so much that I keep my fences up almost all the time. No one gets in or out unless I say so.

What’s that? You might want to get to know me anyway? Okay. You’ll need to take some rigorous tests first. I need you to fill out this application as well to make sure you’re qualified to receive these tests…There is a disclaimer & waiver to sign for as well. In the event that you are hurt it is in no way my fault…Uh huh? No, insurance isn't accepted here. Sorry.  

So, I put people through rigorous tests & obstacle courses to see if they really love me after all. Really what I’m doing is validating my egotistical belief that I don’t deserve love and emotional intimacy with anyone & that I’ll be rejected. It serves as a protective barrier. My behaviors & results align perfectly with my thoughts & beliefs. Funny how that works…

I do want love, trust, good conversations, quality time, a listening ear and heart, etc. Those are all great things to want and I can have them. The deal is, I have to possess those feelings and not only think those happy thoughts, but I have to believe them to be true before I can have what I want/need.

So what am I giving up or losing out on when I operate this way?
 

I am giving up my power when I allow the actions, or in-actions of others to determine my self-worth (external locus of control). As someone recently pointed out I’m “shooting the wrong bull’s-eye”. I want everyone to earn, prove, and win my love before I’ll let them in even a tiny bit. It’s exhausting to have to hit every layer of a target—how many rings are there anyway? That could change depending on the day and I could send them back to the start just like a never-ending game of Sorry, Aggravation, or Chutes & Ladders. How defeating is that? Sheesh that takes a lot of energy to maintain, no wonder I get exhausted & burnt out. 

I have not let people in nor have I made it easy or inviting to try. As others make their efforts I have shot arrows at their eyes while they are trying to connect with me. Why the eyes? So they can’t see how “bad” I am of course! I make a run for it too. I have made it really difficult to have the closeness and trust I that I really want! I feel like I’ll get rejected so I beat the person to it by pushing them away. Smart idea when you’re 2 or 4 maybe, not so great to hold onto at 29. (In my head I’m picturing the old belief system like a bad scene from Titanic, “I’ll never let go…” Well, sorry Charley, this ship has sailed!)

So, who or what is to blame for our plight or suffering? If we feel we have lost out on something or that we have been hurt, damaged, or victimized it’s not love’s fault for letting us down.

When people talk about love they often say things about what it isn't or that “love made them do it”. Or how about the phrase, “all is fair in love and war”? Well, to hell with that faulty thinking because nothing is really fair in war (how do you think war happened in the first place?… it depends on each person’s perception of what’s fair: subjective thinking for sure). I also have beef with the belief that “time heals all wounds”. If by time, you mean love, then yes, it is true. Time in and of itself doesn't do anything. Time allows us the ability to continue to make choices. We can choose hate, spite, envy, jealousy, bitterness or any number of negative things to hold on to; or, we can choose love, growth, healing, wholeness, gratitude, and joy. No it is not always easy to “choose” love. Sometimes we feel justified in holding onto a grudge. There is room for us to feel our feelings & grieve for what is, was, or should have/could have been. 

Love is not something that is earned. Love is not something that is made.

Love is the original manufacture default setting on our emotional hard drives. 

Love is eternal & pure energy, light, and matter. Love gives & receives freely and is not a respecter of persons.  Love just is. It is not something I can make go away or stop existing simply by blocking, hiding, running away, or denying its creative powers. Love is ours for the experiencing. Love is a choice. It was, after all, our very first choice.

The take home message: If I can love my son in his childlike and more pure form, then perhaps I could see other people this way too: whole, full of light, radiant & beaming, divine, destined to become like Gods & Goddesses in majesty & power, full of love, and non-judgmental. My children are helping me see that the love is already there & that all I need to do is let go & let love.

Anger Games: Seeing the Truth Beyond the Lies

The DarkSide of the Light Chasers is a book by Debbie Ford that can completely shift your paradigm. I can’t go back to not knowing or being aware of its teachings. It is a clear principle of truth.

Social mirrors are sometimes the hardest & best looks at our own self. Initially I didn't like this knowledge, and sometimes I still don’t because it means something about me. Other times the reflection serves as a reminder of how far I have come & how I have grown. There is always a choice between the dark & the light side. It is in the darkness that we find the greatest treasures of gold & light.

The following is an exploration of the dark & light side of my anger.

Anger Games: Seeing the Truth Beyond the Lies

I’m afraid of getting angry because of who I feel I am when I exude it. I don’t like it. I feel out of control, like a monster, I get enraged and scary. So, what am I going to do about it? I’m going to “F” my anger. Fear it. Feel it. Face it. Forgive it. Free it.

Abraham Lincoln said, “The best way to destroy an enemy is to make him a friend.” One of my biggest fears is anger and I intend on making it my good friend. By facing the fear, walking through the damp mists of darkness, embracing it, loving it, I am letting go of the power I give to anger and making room for Love: Both valuable friends with whom I can consult, learn, and grow from.

At weekend training for school I had a major breakthrough about my “Anger Games”. I didn't want to let go of any of it. I’m glad I was surrounded by people I trust well because I didn't want to face it. I wanted it all to go away without any effort on my part. Secretly, I've had a love affair with anger as long as I can remember. We took care of each other like a happy, twisted, parasitical, codependent relationship does. I fed my soul with its power and was addicted to it. It was the life-blood flowing in my veins and was an integral part of living and existing in this world. I didn't know what to do without it. I’m pretty sure there are many generations before me that had the same pattern of thinking, believing, behaving, and living. Now what?

When the time came to look my fear of anger in the eyes I rose. I was so scared, shaking and trembling at the very thought of confronting my core belief systems. I imagined myself standing on a tree several feet above the ground, swaying in the wind at the top of a small platform. In front of me was a large ring on a rope that I was supposed to grab. The question was, “What do you want?!” My reply came, “I WANT LOVE!” “Now, how are you going to get it? How can you get closer to what you want…?” I breathed in courage and yelled, “I want love. I am tired of being angry! My anger can go to Hell! Anger is not my friend anymore! And I WANT LOVE!” I jumped with all my strength knowing that I would get that much closer to what I wanted. To my surprise, I touched the ring. Triumph! I was exhausted and had let go of the power I had consented anger to have over me.

That was the beginning of a beautiful journey. Less than 24 hours ago I wrote the following:

Dear Anger, 

I'm breaking up with you! I will soon have a ridiculously long letter written for you regarding the details of our relationship and what was good about it & what didn't work so well & why we won't be together that much anymore. I know you'll be fine. And this time it is you, not me, and I am not going to carry you anymore. I can handle only so much of you. I'm replacing you with Love.

With much gratitude, 

My Best Self

Why anger? I use anger to get: love, safety, power, protection, comfort, connection, caring, justification, validation, temporary relief, to avoid my real feelings and dealing with them, motivation, a reason to keep living, to prove my worth or value, nourishment, control and manipulation for starters.

Often I “wake up angry”. This morning was no exception. I was battling it out. My darker side (and the hooked in helpers in spirit) beckoned me to get high on Anger. “I’m going to have a bad day. Why did he do that to me? What’s his problem? Who does he think he is? It’s his fault I’m angry and that my day is going to be horrible!” And on and on it went, repeating that self-beat-up tape about how unworthy I am of love. I could feel the headache, clenched teeth, and upset stomach coming as I tensed thinking about it, having to shoulder all of “this” alone! Underneath it all there was sadness, pain, grief, and heartache.

My spirit kept fighting to get me to realize that I have a choice! That I am powerful and that I am the master of my destiny!

It’s true. That which we resist persists. The more energy we expend on thinking about how much we don’t want, or don’t like something, the more we create the very thing we most fear. The assumption is that the “customer” (our ego) is always right. It can’t stand being wrong and so it makes more negative beliefs to coincide with what we believe, think, feel, or perceive to be true about ourselves even if the facts are false.

My anger looks like: yelling, crying, shaming, fear, revenge, manipulation, coercion, forceful, unrelenting, physical aggression, swearing, throwing objects, tantrums, withdrawing, isolation, cold shoulder, passive aggressiveness, holding grudges, blowing up/being explosive, criticism, biting sarcasm, judgment, shame, guilt, depression, low will to live/suicidal thoughts and tendencies, blaming, playing the victim/martyr, withholding love, self-beat-up, self-neglect, self-abuse, and the like.

See, I always thought it was wrong, or rather that I was wrong/something was wrong with me when I felt angry. That maybe I was bad because anger is bad and evil. Sometimes I want to kick Cultural Misconceptions in the head. God would not have given us anger unless it served some purpose. Heck, even babies get angry. It is a very basic, primal emotion. That purpose wasn't for us to feel ashamed, unworthy, bad, not good enough, yet for so long I felt this way about myself. Anger is a normal healthy feeling! It is a good thing! It is not good to stay or reside in anger (though it vibrates higher than staying in hopelessness and despair). It does mean you are feeling and that you are human. Anger is a gift/tool given to us to see the need to change something. Why do we typically avoid it, pretend it doesn't exist, deny it, or shove it deep down inside? Anger expressed in a healthy, appropriate manner moves us forward. It clears the path to greater insight, wisdom, power and clarity.

God understands anger very well. And as much as some people may disagree with me on this, it is okay to feel anger towards God. Trust me, He can handle it. He understands anger with loving eyes, heart, and thoughts. He loves us so much that he is willing to receive our anger and give love in return. He is willing to teach us a new way and to absorb all those negative things and make them into something beautiful and positive if we are but willing to give it to him. Our joy and peace will be equal to our pain and sorrow when we resolve to be restored to wholeness.

What I have learned or gleaned from my anger: it can be a refiner’s fire, a way to find God, a catalyst for change or to address something, a sign of growth, signal to change, bringing dangerous situations to our attention, releasing is necessary and liberating bringing relief and renewed peace, that I am feeling, greater compassion, empathy, and understanding, self-control, mastery, learning experiences, insight, fine tuning intuition, the ability to see beyond the outward appearance and to see the white light truth and love in us all.

How can I let go and embrace love? I don’t know how entirely, but I am learning and I’m doing it one layer, one slice at a time. I have to put my trust and faith in a power much higher than myself.  The ways in which miracles occur surpasses my understanding. I don’t know how I've come this far. Martin Luther King Jr. said, “God makes a way where there is no way. When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnights  let us remember that… [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays in to bright tomorrows.” It is out of the darkness that we truly come to the greatest light. Contrast is essential.

One of the most beautiful quotes I have read from Debbie Ford is that, “There is nothing more beautiful than a warrior woman standing in her power, courage, and confidence. From this place of strength, she is capable of loving the world in a way that transforms pain into promise…and hell into heaven.”

The truth beyond the lie is that anger is just information and it is what we do with it that makes a world of difference. The truth is that I am a co-creator with God and all those who work with him. I am powerful. I have a choice. I am happy. I am lovable  I am good enough. I make progress every day. Life is enjoyable and fun. I am happy. I have peace. I am mastering my life.

I am at the point where I can share things of my past quite openly. At times it seems like those experiences were someone else’s. From the depths of despair God hath redeemed my soul from a living hell and has transformed my pain into promise and my hell into heaven. My darkest days of sexual abuse, addictions, codependency, abandonment, suicidal thinking, and self-hatred have been redeemed because I am willing to learn, grow, and let go.

I distinctly remember covenanting with God to consecrate my life at a young age, “God. I will go through the pain of healing if you can promise me that I can help at least one other person with recovering from their trauma. If my painful experiences can change the world for one person, and they can feel God’s love and support, then it will be worth everything I've been through.” God has more than kept his covenant and promise. I cannot count, nor do I yet see the full influence of my life on other people.

My life stands as a witness of health, hope, and healing. I have become new, clean, and born again. I stand worthy in my imperfections to stand in the presence of God and his angels. I am light. I am life. I am a warrior of love. Anger is a great teacher and a tool. I am grateful for the anger I have experienced and I now release it into the hands of the Lord of love. 

Judgment, Divorce, and Grief

Monday, January 9, 2012

The other day I wrote something that explains what I have been feeling about myself: “I love him. I'd like to have a better relationship, but I can't force him to heal and become whole. There are torn heartstrings--as from an LDS viewpoint there is an element of always "forgiving" and having enough "faith"--the cultural expectation that if you endure long enough, pray sincerely enough, try hard enough, & be righteous enough--that everything will be the way it ideally should be. That is a great weight on my shoulders; a heavy burden to bear--I feel that if I divorce him again, I am somehow failing miserably. I know logically I'm not responsible for healing him, yet I know I'm the only person who's been consistent with loving him in his entire life. I have a really hard time letting go of that.”

The 7 stages of grief are:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. “Depression,” Anger, & Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction& Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope

So today I was becoming really bothered that other people were perhaps judging me—they did not agree with my point of view or my choices. I was frustrated and felt betrayed. How could they not understand? It was so clear to me.

Then I realized that I was looking for outward approval and that I was putting my ego into it. I humbled myself and took a hard look at what I was really feeling and how I was the one judging others. I remembered an article in this month's Ensign, “Look Up, Not Sideways”. I remembered that I need to be seeking the Lord's approval on my decisions and not the world's, even if the world to me is my family, friends, and neighbors. http://lds.org/ensign/2012/01/look-up?lang=eng

It is amazing how quickly I received comfort and clarity when I sincerely poured my heart out to Him. I had a distinct thought. Emily, “You are grieving for your loss,” and that's okay. The thoughts went on from there. If my husband had passed away or died in an unexpected accident, I suppose I would receive so much more support and comfort from others. People wouldn't be judging me if I was grieving because my husband died. No one would imply or say to me, “Emily, if you were just righteous, faithful, and prayed enough, your husband wouldn't have had to die right now.” Who would be insensitive enough to say that?

Instead, I am getting divorced for the 2^nd time from the same husband. There is the cultural implication that somehow I have failed to do the above mentioned “faithful” spiel that goes with it. It's against the “rules” to not “endure” my marriage in its entirety. Part of me says, “Don't they know that I'm grieving because I'm losing my husband? It's not as if I'm choosing for him to leave me.” In some ways I think the grief from divorce is more difficult. It's a living rejection based death. Not only am I grieving the loss of a precious loved one, I'm getting tossed aside as well. There is hurt and heartache along with the huge loss.

I have need of repentance for comparing and judging my experience and decisions against that of other. Everyone's situation is unique, yet there are many similarities.

Other people who have loved ones in addiction and mental health stick with it. That's great! I would love to stick with it, if “it” wanted to stick with me. I realize that despite my willingness to endure, I cannot make my husband want to be married to me or to anyone else for that matter. I can't force him to live up to my personal beliefs or standards. I do not have the power or ability to restore him to wholeness. That is God's role, not mine.

In an Al-Anon book today's date says:

“How often I look outside myself for approval!...If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.”

“Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.”

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. (Carl Jung).”

How fitting was all of that for me today?! I know that in the end, I will be okay. That no matter what happens I have intrinsic value and worth. I simply can only do my best and God takes care of the rest. Here's to letting go & letting God!