Lucky 13: Post-Divorce or Breakup Words of Wisdom

So much has been going on in my life lately that I forgot what it's like to be with myself for a bit. Amid all the challenges, struggles, changes, and blessings I have managed to disconnect. As I was working I thought about all sorts of things, and then it all slowly slipped in to my vulnerable, open heart.

Today's date popped into my head. “Wait, it's the 28th today?! It would have been my 13^th wedding anniversary.” And so, I'm reflecting. The phrase “Lucky 13” keeps popping up and I'm sitting with it. So much has changed in those 13 years, especially in the 5 years since the divorce.

It used to be so painful for me to even think about. I hated seeing happy couples together because it reminded me of what I didn't have anymore and what I could have had. It was painful to see what appeared to be happy families together. I wanted to hide out and check out and be virtually invisible. I didn't want the well-meaning, though often mislead, awkward conversations. I didn't want the judgment, pity, shame, guilt, or the dating questions. I felt it would have been easier if there was a physical death of some kind because then there's a sense of finality and permanence to it that didn't require an explanation of what “went wrong.”

My marriage died and it was a sharp, ugly death. There was nothing pretty about the gut-wrenching nights of crying myself to sleep, the panic attacks, the depression and suicidal thoughts that set in, the frequent arguments, and seemingly endless therapy appointments. No, that was brutal and raw. And it stayed that way for a while. The shock didn't last forever, and the numbing sadness with the fake-it-till-you-make-it motions took over. I was in survival mode.

Life goes on as it always does and eventually I got back on board to pick myself up. Faced with uncertainty and with a lot of support from family & friends I began to piece myself back together. I opted for vocational schooling with 2 young children to raise and found myself mysteriously enrolled in massage school. People ask how I ended up there & I tell them “I blame God for that one.” And I'm totally serious. God told me one day to go to massage school, which was completely absurd in my mind given my life experience and background. So I did, and now I can see why (and that's a different story).

I've since attended the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT, Soul Integrity & Aura Personalities, and taken Reiki, in addition to many professional counselors and other complimentary therapies over the years. So many things have been instrumental in serving me to see myself and consequently others more clearly.

As I reflect on the lessons from divorce I have learned here's the 13 pieces of advice I'd give my former self of 5 years ago with my current perspective:

1. He and I were supposed to be together long enough to get us to the sick-and-tired stage...so that we could CHANGE. We weren't good together in a spouse relationship.
2. We had karmic, sacred contracts with each other that needed to be fulfilled. We had the option of learning more about ourselves through the depths of radical self-inquiry that followed.
3. The disaster of a marriage was the Perfect Storm and the catalyst we both needed to move forward in a more authentic direction individually and collectively.
4. Honoring yourself always honors others. Sometimes things end because it's no longer serving both parties. It sucks, and sometimes it's entirely necessary. We need to stand up for ourselves and set and maintain boundaries. Trust me, it takes a lot of practice and the process is rather messy!
5. Lawyers and anyone to do with a team of lawyers are expensive. Definitely get a good one who will realistically tell you what your rights are. It's an investment and you end up paying more if you don't do it professionally the 1^st time.
6. Keeping your ego in check is a lot of fucking work! Yes, you will likely say stupid things at one point or another, sometimes a lot of dumb stuff comes out. For your own sanity, do your best not to make a habit of it. Therapy helped me through a lot of this as well as soul-path work.
7. Be your own best friend and advocate. Date yourself! Take care of yourself! Do what you've always dreamed of doing and daydream about it. Find a way to love yourself. Fall madly, passionately in-love with yourself. You are your own best friend. Get comfortable with being alone because you're the only one who can be there for you 100% of the time.
8. Be the kind of person you'd like to be with. Forgive yourself on a regular basis. You're very human and also divine.
9. Your kids will turn out however they need to. They will make their own decisions about life and how they interpret what has happened. The best thing you could do is show them how to love and think for themselves by example.
10. It's only a failure if you refuse to learn from it. Learning is always an option. The lessons are by no means easy or instant, yet they are absolutely worth it. Oh, and totally cry and ask for help if you need it. We're all human & we're all in this together. Emotions are your strength too.
11. Sometimes people change more than you realize. Be open to changing yourself and let the rest go. Codependency isn't going to make anything better. All you can do is sweep your side of the street and focus on what you need to do. The only business that's yours to worry about is your own. There's no need to explain yourself to whomever the “other” person is. You know your heart & that's good enough.
12. Someday the other person will likely move on and so will you. Some days you will be tempted to be jealous or feel like it's not fair. Honor and validate the depths. It's okay. You love who you are and all is well. You enjoy your company. It's also okay to be genuinely happy for yourself and others. Everyone is designed to feel love and joy. Follow that feeling and you'll be free.
13. Sometimes you get “lucky” and people change for the better, yourself included. It's not really luck though. It takes years of work and conscious practice thousands and thousands of times. It's worth it to have a better relationship for the kids.

So, do I feel lucky? I'm not sure I do. I do feel a lot of gratitude that I have been able to find myself in all of this and could love myself more fully and clearly. I wouldn't wish these kinds of experiences on anyone or ask to repeat them in my own life. Yet, I am grateful for the lessons that have come because of them. Divorce has come to mean a lot of things for me over the years and mostly now I can honestly say it's changed me for the better.

Glennon Doyle Melton shared a quote of hers a while back and it stuck with me. I'm not sure she intended it it to be my new definition of successful relationship regardless of it the other person and I stay together in the same context. She said, “A marriage is not only a success if it lasts forever, but if it changes both partners into more loving, free, wise, brave, kind, whole beings.” With that in mind I can say that I've had a successful divorce by my own definition. One where we've learned and grown far more from being apart and being with ourselves than we ever could have accomplished together. We're both more awake now, more compassionate, more kind, and more loving. It's something we both chose on our own and it's making our kids' lives that much better.

All relationships are a dance with parts of ourselves reflected back to us. The beauty is in seeing ourselves more clearly and loving the entire masterpiece full of contrasts. Welcome to the dance of life my loves!

Judgment, Divorce, and Grief

Monday, January 9, 2012

The other day I wrote something that explains what I have been feeling about myself: “I love him. I'd like to have a better relationship, but I can't force him to heal and become whole. There are torn heartstrings--as from an LDS viewpoint there is an element of always "forgiving" and having enough "faith"--the cultural expectation that if you endure long enough, pray sincerely enough, try hard enough, & be righteous enough--that everything will be the way it ideally should be. That is a great weight on my shoulders; a heavy burden to bear--I feel that if I divorce him again, I am somehow failing miserably. I know logically I'm not responsible for healing him, yet I know I'm the only person who's been consistent with loving him in his entire life. I have a really hard time letting go of that.”

The 7 stages of grief are:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. “Depression,” Anger, & Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction& Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope

So today I was becoming really bothered that other people were perhaps judging me—they did not agree with my point of view or my choices. I was frustrated and felt betrayed. How could they not understand? It was so clear to me.

Then I realized that I was looking for outward approval and that I was putting my ego into it. I humbled myself and took a hard look at what I was really feeling and how I was the one judging others. I remembered an article in this month's Ensign, “Look Up, Not Sideways”. I remembered that I need to be seeking the Lord's approval on my decisions and not the world's, even if the world to me is my family, friends, and neighbors. http://lds.org/ensign/2012/01/look-up?lang=eng

It is amazing how quickly I received comfort and clarity when I sincerely poured my heart out to Him. I had a distinct thought. Emily, “You are grieving for your loss,” and that's okay. The thoughts went on from there. If my husband had passed away or died in an unexpected accident, I suppose I would receive so much more support and comfort from others. People wouldn't be judging me if I was grieving because my husband died. No one would imply or say to me, “Emily, if you were just righteous, faithful, and prayed enough, your husband wouldn't have had to die right now.” Who would be insensitive enough to say that?

Instead, I am getting divorced for the 2^nd time from the same husband. There is the cultural implication that somehow I have failed to do the above mentioned “faithful” spiel that goes with it. It's against the “rules” to not “endure” my marriage in its entirety. Part of me says, “Don't they know that I'm grieving because I'm losing my husband? It's not as if I'm choosing for him to leave me.” In some ways I think the grief from divorce is more difficult. It's a living rejection based death. Not only am I grieving the loss of a precious loved one, I'm getting tossed aside as well. There is hurt and heartache along with the huge loss.

I have need of repentance for comparing and judging my experience and decisions against that of other. Everyone's situation is unique, yet there are many similarities.

Other people who have loved ones in addiction and mental health stick with it. That's great! I would love to stick with it, if “it” wanted to stick with me. I realize that despite my willingness to endure, I cannot make my husband want to be married to me or to anyone else for that matter. I can't force him to live up to my personal beliefs or standards. I do not have the power or ability to restore him to wholeness. That is God's role, not mine.

In an Al-Anon book today's date says:

“How often I look outside myself for approval!...If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.”

“Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.”

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. (Carl Jung).”

How fitting was all of that for me today?! I know that in the end, I will be okay. That no matter what happens I have intrinsic value and worth. I simply can only do my best and God takes care of the rest. Here's to letting go & letting God!