Lucky 13: Post-Divorce or Breakup Words of Wisdom

So much has been going on in my life lately that I forgot what it's like to be with myself for a bit. Amid all the challenges, struggles, changes, and blessings I have managed to disconnect. As I was working I thought about all sorts of things, and then it all slowly slipped in to my vulnerable, open heart.

Today's date popped into my head. “Wait, it's the 28th today?! It would have been my 13^th wedding anniversary.” And so, I'm reflecting. The phrase “Lucky 13” keeps popping up and I'm sitting with it. So much has changed in those 13 years, especially in the 5 years since the divorce.

It used to be so painful for me to even think about. I hated seeing happy couples together because it reminded me of what I didn't have anymore and what I could have had. It was painful to see what appeared to be happy families together. I wanted to hide out and check out and be virtually invisible. I didn't want the well-meaning, though often mislead, awkward conversations. I didn't want the judgment, pity, shame, guilt, or the dating questions. I felt it would have been easier if there was a physical death of some kind because then there's a sense of finality and permanence to it that didn't require an explanation of what “went wrong.”

My marriage died and it was a sharp, ugly death. There was nothing pretty about the gut-wrenching nights of crying myself to sleep, the panic attacks, the depression and suicidal thoughts that set in, the frequent arguments, and seemingly endless therapy appointments. No, that was brutal and raw. And it stayed that way for a while. The shock didn't last forever, and the numbing sadness with the fake-it-till-you-make-it motions took over. I was in survival mode.

Life goes on as it always does and eventually I got back on board to pick myself up. Faced with uncertainty and with a lot of support from family & friends I began to piece myself back together. I opted for vocational schooling with 2 young children to raise and found myself mysteriously enrolled in massage school. People ask how I ended up there & I tell them “I blame God for that one.” And I'm totally serious. God told me one day to go to massage school, which was completely absurd in my mind given my life experience and background. So I did, and now I can see why (and that's a different story).

I've since attended the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT, Soul Integrity & Aura Personalities, and taken Reiki, in addition to many professional counselors and other complimentary therapies over the years. So many things have been instrumental in serving me to see myself and consequently others more clearly.

As I reflect on the lessons from divorce I have learned here's the 13 pieces of advice I'd give my former self of 5 years ago with my current perspective:

1. He and I were supposed to be together long enough to get us to the sick-and-tired stage...so that we could CHANGE. We weren't good together in a spouse relationship.
2. We had karmic, sacred contracts with each other that needed to be fulfilled. We had the option of learning more about ourselves through the depths of radical self-inquiry that followed.
3. The disaster of a marriage was the Perfect Storm and the catalyst we both needed to move forward in a more authentic direction individually and collectively.
4. Honoring yourself always honors others. Sometimes things end because it's no longer serving both parties. It sucks, and sometimes it's entirely necessary. We need to stand up for ourselves and set and maintain boundaries. Trust me, it takes a lot of practice and the process is rather messy!
5. Lawyers and anyone to do with a team of lawyers are expensive. Definitely get a good one who will realistically tell you what your rights are. It's an investment and you end up paying more if you don't do it professionally the 1^st time.
6. Keeping your ego in check is a lot of fucking work! Yes, you will likely say stupid things at one point or another, sometimes a lot of dumb stuff comes out. For your own sanity, do your best not to make a habit of it. Therapy helped me through a lot of this as well as soul-path work.
7. Be your own best friend and advocate. Date yourself! Take care of yourself! Do what you've always dreamed of doing and daydream about it. Find a way to love yourself. Fall madly, passionately in-love with yourself. You are your own best friend. Get comfortable with being alone because you're the only one who can be there for you 100% of the time.
8. Be the kind of person you'd like to be with. Forgive yourself on a regular basis. You're very human and also divine.
9. Your kids will turn out however they need to. They will make their own decisions about life and how they interpret what has happened. The best thing you could do is show them how to love and think for themselves by example.
10. It's only a failure if you refuse to learn from it. Learning is always an option. The lessons are by no means easy or instant, yet they are absolutely worth it. Oh, and totally cry and ask for help if you need it. We're all human & we're all in this together. Emotions are your strength too.
11. Sometimes people change more than you realize. Be open to changing yourself and let the rest go. Codependency isn't going to make anything better. All you can do is sweep your side of the street and focus on what you need to do. The only business that's yours to worry about is your own. There's no need to explain yourself to whomever the “other” person is. You know your heart & that's good enough.
12. Someday the other person will likely move on and so will you. Some days you will be tempted to be jealous or feel like it's not fair. Honor and validate the depths. It's okay. You love who you are and all is well. You enjoy your company. It's also okay to be genuinely happy for yourself and others. Everyone is designed to feel love and joy. Follow that feeling and you'll be free.
13. Sometimes you get “lucky” and people change for the better, yourself included. It's not really luck though. It takes years of work and conscious practice thousands and thousands of times. It's worth it to have a better relationship for the kids.

So, do I feel lucky? I'm not sure I do. I do feel a lot of gratitude that I have been able to find myself in all of this and could love myself more fully and clearly. I wouldn't wish these kinds of experiences on anyone or ask to repeat them in my own life. Yet, I am grateful for the lessons that have come because of them. Divorce has come to mean a lot of things for me over the years and mostly now I can honestly say it's changed me for the better.

Glennon Doyle Melton shared a quote of hers a while back and it stuck with me. I'm not sure she intended it it to be my new definition of successful relationship regardless of it the other person and I stay together in the same context. She said, “A marriage is not only a success if it lasts forever, but if it changes both partners into more loving, free, wise, brave, kind, whole beings.” With that in mind I can say that I've had a successful divorce by my own definition. One where we've learned and grown far more from being apart and being with ourselves than we ever could have accomplished together. We're both more awake now, more compassionate, more kind, and more loving. It's something we both chose on our own and it's making our kids' lives that much better.

All relationships are a dance with parts of ourselves reflected back to us. The beauty is in seeing ourselves more clearly and loving the entire masterpiece full of contrasts. Welcome to the dance of life my loves!

Landslide Brought You Down?

Sometimes life can feel utterly overwhelming and yesterday was like that for me and many people I know. I couldn't hold back or maintain "composure". I cried getting massaged and afterward too. I pulled myself together to spend time with my boys, and again found that the swelling of emotions just kept spilling over.

At the end of the day I found myself crying on the floor at a toy store. I had just made a mindful plea wishing I just had a friend to sit with me. Minutes later an old friend I hadn't seen in years walked right by me and upon a second look realized who I was. She sat with me for a while and listened to the snapshot of what was going on and held space for me. We hugged and I thanked her for being there for me.

On the way home I saw the way the light was breaking through the storm clouds and in that moment I identified with that. God wants the light to break forth through me. God is working a beautiful miracle within me and bringing light to some of the darkest parts of my experiences. I am reminded that in the tempestuous storm a new day always comes and light follows the dark.

God is excellent at new beginnings. I've noticed a pattern over the years in my life and they tend to be big sweeping changes all at once. Rather than the painstaking process of having me remodel an outmoded belief system he sends in a landslide. He takes care of the demolition and tells me it's time to move forward and be open to new things however they show up. My job then becomes to love what is.

As I search for meaning in all of this, in all the feelings of nothingness I wrestle a bit with ego on self-worth. Ego would have me believe that I'm a failure and that I'm weak and incapable. Ego would have me believe that my worth is directly correlated to the status of my bank account, relationships, career, or any other constructs it deems "worthy" of importance.

What am I left with when nearly everything has systematically been removed, taken away, or walked out of my life? What is left when I'm left with next to nothing? What happens when you've hit rock bottom before in your life and come to realize that there's a new rock bottom you never expected?

Well, I'm here to tell you and to remind myself that in the wake of the storm the only thing that's left is you—beautiful, adorable, sweet and messy you. All that's left is what you started with and that's Love. Nothing can add or take away your value. You are valuable simply because you exist and that's all there is to it.

As I reflect on how I have been feeling I am grateful that I am feeling. I'm grateful for beautiful people in my life who encourage me to be vulnerable, authentic, and honor myself. They remind me of who I am, that there is strength even in weakness, that things will work out, and I'll be stronger for it. 

I am grateful to have the ease of access to so many wonderful outlets and resources and for the power of my God-given gifts and abilities, especially my voice. I am grateful to experience healing on so many levels for myself and for the privilege of being able to hold space and witness others do the same for themselves. I'm grateful for the ugly tears and sadness and for laughter that also brings cleansing.

So, my fellow Warriors of Love, when in doubt love yourself more! Take it one moment and one day at a time. You're not alone in your suffering or your pain and someday a little bit of joy might creep in again. And when you're not sure what to do, practice nurturing and being with yourself. After all, you are your own best investment. Remember where there is peace, clarity, and joy there is your path. It may not logically make sense and that's okay. Just lean into the discomfort and trust that God and the entire Universe have got your back. You'll be okay. I promise. Love on Warriors, love on.

Gay Q & A: Acceptance, Religion, Addiction, and Biology

How did you come to accept that you are gay?

The acceptance process of being gay was a rather long and drawn out one for me. While it was obvious to many, or perhaps maybe not to some, I was in strict denial of it for most of my life. It wasn't until my late 20's & early 30's that I started to come to terms with all of it.

The acceptance came when I finally decided to embrace and love the fact that I was gay & surrender to the fact that nothing I was doing or could do would "get rid" of "those" feelings of same gender attraction. I came to realize that energy can never be destroyed and it is inherently designed to be created and recreated over time. In my personal experience I wouldn't want to be different than I am now. I spent my whole life fighting it, denying, and lying to myself for what, to be miserable? No. That's where I was most of the time in shame and misery trying not to be something I was naturally designed to be.

I've had some tough conversations with God about it and it went something like this:

I asked, "God, Why did you give this to me? I didn't want it! Why would I choose this experience? Why is it so 'wrong' to be gay?"

The simple reply was, "Emily, you came to learn love in all of its levels and forms including this one. There is nothing wrong with loving who, or how you love. If you find joy and peace, then it is good and comes from God. Focus on the principles. I designed you on purpose and with purpose and I didn't make a mistake with you. The mistake would be in believing that there was something inherently wrong, bad, unnatural, or counterfeit about you. That would be the sad part, believing that I love you less than anyone else or that you are unworthy of love and all that life experience can be. You are equal in my eyes."

"Then why must I stay celibate in order to please you? Why did you give me such a big heart filled with love for others and then tell me not to express it to its full extent? It's not fair. Why should I go my whole life without connecting on a deeply satisfying, enriching, complementary, and reflective soul level with another person? It doesn't make sense to me & I'm confused at such a contradiction! Denying the love I have to offer is miserable, depressing, and seems like it would be a waste of my energy."

"Emily, do not be discouraged by constraints that sources outside of yourself try to tell you who you should be. I'm really accepting and open-hearted, though some versions people profess are very limiting of my infinite nature. Believe the God that is in you. Believe that you are because I Am. I am Love and as such, so are you. Follow the feelings of pure love and you will be on the path that is true for you. Your path is not the same as other people and comparing the path with criticism is unfair judgment towards yourself. Your path specifics are perfectly designed for you and you alone. There's no one else quite like you and I love you that way."

Was it hard to turn your back on what you have been taught your whole life?

Absolutely. I had to wrap my head, unravel, and re-wrap it differently than I had before. I really questioned everything I thought I knew up until that point of my life. All my certainties and truths went out the window when my life was falling apart despite doing all the "right" things that were expressed in the religion I grew up in. It wasn't adding up in the end. I read scriptures, attended church and religious services very regularly, courted my spouse, and well... it just wasn't there between us.

The miracle that happened is that I had the opportunity again and chose to discover more about myself in relation to God's eyes and to fully love, accept, & embrace myself. God didn't make a mistake with me. He understood perfectly that I came to this world to learn, exemplify, embrace, and embody divine love in all its forms. God looks on the heart and not on the outward appearance. One may deem another with a specific label as different, less than or greater than. God sees everyone as equal and what he sees is love. There is not a judgement on what form the love comes in, that's something people do.

I may have turned a different way from the religious construct arena, but I have found that my heart leans more into trusting God. I'm closer to God now overall than I ever was before. I realized that God loves everyone absolutely & that he's protective of all of his children if they allow and receive it. So rather than seeing a physical apostasy from religion, I realized that the potential "breakdown" was really a breakthrough or spiritual awakening waiting for me to embrace it with open arms. I became open to exploring & shook off limits that I thought needed to be there to keep me safe. When I approach God with an open heart, mind, body & spirit, miracles come pouring in to show the next step for me.

I came to realize what it means to have a hero's quest or journey of leaving your home tribe, receiving a life calling, having teachers & mentors, following & embracing it, & returning to the tribe you originated from with the potential of being completely rejected. So, the awakening happens in the journey where you come to experience God on a personal and individual level and then bring that light and knowledge forward to where you came from. Someone questioning is not an actual threat to a construct (tribe) and is rather, an invaluable asset if people receive them. People will generally take their joy-filled wisdom where it is appreciated, valued, and has influence.

What was the hardest part about transitioning from a religious background?

The hardest part for me was dealing with the culture of shame I grew up with. That's been the toughest transition to unlearn and relearn. I have found a great deal of insight and healing by reading different books from John Bradshaw (Healing the Shame That Binds You & Homecoming), Debbie Ford (The Dark Side of the Light Chasers), Julia Cameron (The Artist's Way), Brené Brown (The Gifts of Imperfection and Daring Greatly), Byron Katie (Loving What Is), and Tosha Silver (Outrageous Openness). These have greatly influenced my life for the better and to shift the energy of shame to a life filled with passion, joy, peace, happiness, and soulful satisfaction. I also found amazing counselors to work with as well as practitioners of different kinds to assist with complementary therapies.

I've had a lot of support over the years, but I have also learned to ask for it specifically. There are many people who love me just the way I am & they do so openly and lovingly with all of their hearts. There may be people who are now uncomfortable and that's okay. Their discomfort isn't a problem for me to resolve. I've come to realize that it's their story and not mine.

How is this different from just being a different form of sexual addiction?

Addictions are an unhealthy way to avoid, escape, overcompensate, deny, or otherwise shove & stuff whatever "it" is away so that we don't have to deal with it head on. Addictions generally reside in a state of shame/perfectionism. So, if you want to transform the addiction, shift the shame and resolve the core inside yourself. You are not your story & you are not your shame.

I don't think gender-identity is an addiction at all. No one says hetero's have an addiction for who they like naturally. Someone once said to me that they've never struggled with same gender attraction. I asked them "who said it was a struggle?" The struggle isn't in who we like. The struggle can be there if or when we judge our natural dispositions or that of another's to be inherently wrong.  

God made nature in all different forms, including humans. Our natural state of being is Love and we are to continue increasing and/or existing in that joyful state as often as possible. Some plants are asexual, male seahorses have the babies; many species are not monogamous for life with one mate. What does all this potentially mean? In my book it means that God loves variety! God didn't create everything within one category to be exactly the same. No two snowflakes are exactly alike and neither are 2 flowers of the exact variety. All have things that are relatively common to one another in their like kind, but none are all the same. While many will say that the purpose of humans is to create more humans, who's to say that God didn't intend the process of co-creation to be on every level? 

The most supportive unit of society is really self-love, vulnerability, & self-awareness & the rest is all just details. Yes a husband & wife could provide stability as a unit of society and of family security. That can be provided in a lot of different formats. Single parents, unmarried, heterosexual, and homosexual people are all capable of amazing things. No one is better than another and we are all worthy of support from the village of our surrounding tribes.

Isn't this (homo) sexuality just a refuge from, or a reaction to, being hurt by men so much?

I suppose for some people the answer to this question could be yes. I am unsure of if there is an underlying understanding to the question of sexual abuse being a factor in same-gender attraction. Not everyone who is gay has been sexually abused. The abuse doesn't always factor into gender identity either.

I can say I've thoroughly sorted through a large amount of those experiences, beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and emotions over the years and have done a lot of work to heal the trauma that was there for me. I still have hatred towards men & women to work through as well as some remaining shame and judgement. I'm not perfect. I have seriously questioned if I would be gay without the abuse & the answer I can comfortably say is "Yes, I would still be gay if I had not been sexually abused by men & women." No one is at fault for gender identity, it just is. My parents didn't parent me differently than my other siblings. Some people are gay & some are not. People are all on the spectrum of human nature. It's not a big deal in my book. 

What makes physical intimacy okay with a woman for you, but not a man?

This would depend entirely on what a person feels naturally comfortable with. The question for an individual would be "If there wasn't any shame in this would I feel draw n to being with someone of the same, both, opposite gender, or no one at all?" I have come to a point personally where I do not see people as physically male or female. Rather I see masculine & feminine in everyone & believe in finding the energetic compliment to your amazingly already whole self. Up until 5 weeks in utero babies are completely identical. It isn't until the hormone surge that a physical gender type is determined. What about people who have more than one set of genitalia? Did God predestine them to be miserable because they don't fit into a neat category? Nope. I think we were designed to figure it out for ourselves.

Our process of knowing who we are is between us and God, and everyone else in the world is there to serve as a reflection of ourselves so that we can learn whatever it is that we need to. There aren't any limits to who you love though I'm opposed to incest and statutory relationships (huge boundary violations!). I have a strong draw towards women and things I felt super ashamed doing with men (like even just cuddling or kissing) was not at all shameful with a woman. I feel completely natural with women and it's been pretty surprising because I wasn't expecting that at all.

Has your body actually done anything 'right' when you were with a man? (In terms of biological responses)

Now that I've experienced both sides of the equation I can say for sure that my body struggled horribly to have natural and biological sexual responses to men.

Psychology & sexuality are strongly intertwined. My psychology & brain wiring is geared to being attracted to women on a sexual and romantic level. That is why it feels so wrong for me to be with a man. Psychologically it is very wrong and unnatural for me to do so. I have had a lot more ease in experiences with women and all the "natural stuff" has been wonderful and beautiful so far. It's a night and day difference for me & there isn't a big struggle anymore.