Lucky 13: Post-Divorce or Breakup Words of Wisdom

So much has been going on in my life lately that I forgot what it's like to be with myself for a bit. Amid all the challenges, struggles, changes, and blessings I have managed to disconnect. As I was working I thought about all sorts of things, and then it all slowly slipped in to my vulnerable, open heart.

Today's date popped into my head. “Wait, it's the 28th today?! It would have been my 13^th wedding anniversary.” And so, I'm reflecting. The phrase “Lucky 13” keeps popping up and I'm sitting with it. So much has changed in those 13 years, especially in the 5 years since the divorce.

It used to be so painful for me to even think about. I hated seeing happy couples together because it reminded me of what I didn't have anymore and what I could have had. It was painful to see what appeared to be happy families together. I wanted to hide out and check out and be virtually invisible. I didn't want the well-meaning, though often mislead, awkward conversations. I didn't want the judgment, pity, shame, guilt, or the dating questions. I felt it would have been easier if there was a physical death of some kind because then there's a sense of finality and permanence to it that didn't require an explanation of what “went wrong.”

My marriage died and it was a sharp, ugly death. There was nothing pretty about the gut-wrenching nights of crying myself to sleep, the panic attacks, the depression and suicidal thoughts that set in, the frequent arguments, and seemingly endless therapy appointments. No, that was brutal and raw. And it stayed that way for a while. The shock didn't last forever, and the numbing sadness with the fake-it-till-you-make-it motions took over. I was in survival mode.

Life goes on as it always does and eventually I got back on board to pick myself up. Faced with uncertainty and with a lot of support from family & friends I began to piece myself back together. I opted for vocational schooling with 2 young children to raise and found myself mysteriously enrolled in massage school. People ask how I ended up there & I tell them “I blame God for that one.” And I'm totally serious. God told me one day to go to massage school, which was completely absurd in my mind given my life experience and background. So I did, and now I can see why (and that's a different story).

I've since attended the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT, Soul Integrity & Aura Personalities, and taken Reiki, in addition to many professional counselors and other complimentary therapies over the years. So many things have been instrumental in serving me to see myself and consequently others more clearly.

As I reflect on the lessons from divorce I have learned here's the 13 pieces of advice I'd give my former self of 5 years ago with my current perspective:

1. He and I were supposed to be together long enough to get us to the sick-and-tired stage...so that we could CHANGE. We weren't good together in a spouse relationship.
2. We had karmic, sacred contracts with each other that needed to be fulfilled. We had the option of learning more about ourselves through the depths of radical self-inquiry that followed.
3. The disaster of a marriage was the Perfect Storm and the catalyst we both needed to move forward in a more authentic direction individually and collectively.
4. Honoring yourself always honors others. Sometimes things end because it's no longer serving both parties. It sucks, and sometimes it's entirely necessary. We need to stand up for ourselves and set and maintain boundaries. Trust me, it takes a lot of practice and the process is rather messy!
5. Lawyers and anyone to do with a team of lawyers are expensive. Definitely get a good one who will realistically tell you what your rights are. It's an investment and you end up paying more if you don't do it professionally the 1^st time.
6. Keeping your ego in check is a lot of fucking work! Yes, you will likely say stupid things at one point or another, sometimes a lot of dumb stuff comes out. For your own sanity, do your best not to make a habit of it. Therapy helped me through a lot of this as well as soul-path work.
7. Be your own best friend and advocate. Date yourself! Take care of yourself! Do what you've always dreamed of doing and daydream about it. Find a way to love yourself. Fall madly, passionately in-love with yourself. You are your own best friend. Get comfortable with being alone because you're the only one who can be there for you 100% of the time.
8. Be the kind of person you'd like to be with. Forgive yourself on a regular basis. You're very human and also divine.
9. Your kids will turn out however they need to. They will make their own decisions about life and how they interpret what has happened. The best thing you could do is show them how to love and think for themselves by example.
10. It's only a failure if you refuse to learn from it. Learning is always an option. The lessons are by no means easy or instant, yet they are absolutely worth it. Oh, and totally cry and ask for help if you need it. We're all human & we're all in this together. Emotions are your strength too.
11. Sometimes people change more than you realize. Be open to changing yourself and let the rest go. Codependency isn't going to make anything better. All you can do is sweep your side of the street and focus on what you need to do. The only business that's yours to worry about is your own. There's no need to explain yourself to whomever the “other” person is. You know your heart & that's good enough.
12. Someday the other person will likely move on and so will you. Some days you will be tempted to be jealous or feel like it's not fair. Honor and validate the depths. It's okay. You love who you are and all is well. You enjoy your company. It's also okay to be genuinely happy for yourself and others. Everyone is designed to feel love and joy. Follow that feeling and you'll be free.
13. Sometimes you get “lucky” and people change for the better, yourself included. It's not really luck though. It takes years of work and conscious practice thousands and thousands of times. It's worth it to have a better relationship for the kids.

So, do I feel lucky? I'm not sure I do. I do feel a lot of gratitude that I have been able to find myself in all of this and could love myself more fully and clearly. I wouldn't wish these kinds of experiences on anyone or ask to repeat them in my own life. Yet, I am grateful for the lessons that have come because of them. Divorce has come to mean a lot of things for me over the years and mostly now I can honestly say it's changed me for the better.

Glennon Doyle Melton shared a quote of hers a while back and it stuck with me. I'm not sure she intended it it to be my new definition of successful relationship regardless of it the other person and I stay together in the same context. She said, “A marriage is not only a success if it lasts forever, but if it changes both partners into more loving, free, wise, brave, kind, whole beings.” With that in mind I can say that I've had a successful divorce by my own definition. One where we've learned and grown far more from being apart and being with ourselves than we ever could have accomplished together. We're both more awake now, more compassionate, more kind, and more loving. It's something we both chose on our own and it's making our kids' lives that much better.

All relationships are a dance with parts of ourselves reflected back to us. The beauty is in seeing ourselves more clearly and loving the entire masterpiece full of contrasts. Welcome to the dance of life my loves!

What My Secrets Are. So, What?

My Thoughts

In case you ever wondered, figured it out a long time ago, or would have never guessed I am bisexual. I don’t consider it my “identity” because it is not who I am. Bisexuality is just a part of my experience. I’m not hiding it anymore.

I want to make it clear that I believe that I would have same-sex attraction regardless of any earthly circumstances. I believe that it just is for me. I don’t know why my brain is wired bisexually & quite frankly I don’t understand why some people make such a big deal about it. I've heard a lot of, “God wouldn't make someone that way.” Well, have you ever noticed how many people in this world are born with diseases, disorders, deformities, and addictions? Well, God didn't make them any less valuable. There isn't a flaw in his design. This was on purpose and it has purpose.

I don’t understand it all, but I do know there is a great deal of compassion and empathy I have because of it. I love more deeply and more freely and more easily a wide variety of people because of the things I have been faced with. I don’t go around telling everyone “I have bipolar” because that’s not who I am, though I do have bipolar. I don’t go around asking people their gender identity either. Why would I? Would that information somehow change who they are? They are the same person they have always been whether you knew about a “condition” or not. There is no threat or fear in knowing someone’s secret.

The truth is God’s love is unconditional. There aren't any stipulations on who he loves. He doesn't say, “Oh. I see you are gay. I’m sorry I designed you that way. I guess you won’t get to be in Heaven with me.” Yeah, not even close. I’m tired of some cultural implications that there is something inherently wrong, bad, sinful, or unnatural about same gender attraction. Just because you don’t understand something, doesn't mean you can judge it. Some religions profess that those with “unnatural” thoughts will go to Hell, while other religions infer depending on who’s interpreting it, that you won’t make it to Heaven (It’s a passive aggressive way of saying, “You’re going to Hell.” It’s still not really nice).

"...common sense should tell us that no one would choose to be gay or lesbian. In a society where churches condemn them to hell, where they are the continuous butt of comedians' jokes and their very lives are threatened by warring fundamentalists, including mainline 'redneck' homophobics and white supremacists, why would anyone choose to be gay or lesbian? 'Coming out' simply means that a person is clear about his or her sexual orientation and has the courage to own it." --John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

My journey with same-gender attraction has been a lifelong one. It is not what I wanted and I strongly feel it is not something I would choose to have on my own account. It is what it is and there you have it.

The Beginnings *Please note that some people may be triggered by the mention of different events and experiences below. I do not go into anything close to details as they are not beneficial for anyone involved & are unnecessary to tell the story.

From an early age I was definitely a tomboy. I loved mud, toy cars, Lego, forts, playing cops & robbers, rough “boy” sports, & lots of similar things. In elementary school I was the girl who chased away boys on the playground when they were bothering other girls and I always played the dad in the dreaded playing house games. I was very protective of other girls. Most of my friends were boys though, somehow they seemed way less complex & I didn't have to bother talking about “girl stuff” with them.

By the time middle school hit, I had 1 friend who was a girl & the rest were boys. I still dressed and behaved as a tomboy & I was very chauvinistic. I had to prove that I was strong & I definitely was always on edge and on the defensive. I would get in fights with boys at school, though strangely never when a teacher was nearby. I even hit one boy on the head with a text book. Not my finest moments… Still, rumors had spread that I was gay, especially since I enjoyed spending time with our lesbian gym teachers.

My freshman year in high school a girl asked me, “Why do you only have friends that are guys?” So, then I switched to only having girls as friends. I didn't want people to even remotely think I was lesbian. No matter what school or city I was in (1 middle school & 3 different high schools) the rumor would crop up that I was gay. When I was working a co-worker once asked, “Why do you always dress like a boy?!” I don’t remember my reply. What I do remember is feeling shame and that something must have been wrong with me because people kept saying stuff like that.

I was not at all a stereotypical teenage girl.  I was being extra good with not making out with boys or doing anything close to it. I didn't date until after high school because I had no interest in “dumb boys. I didn't give a rip about anything that was popular at the time, especially not boy bands. *ick* I didn't dress anywhere near a feminine way for what our culture expects. I wore black, navy blue, and dark brown clothes most of the time and clothes that weren't a flattering fit at all. I never wore make up, unless it was a choir performance and that was because it was mandatory. I never did my hair really. It was a slicked back, gel-crusted, ponytail. I mostly wanted to not be noticed at all, to be invisible, and forgettable.

This was all an effort to keep myself protected from getting hurt sexually, physically, and emotionally. Why the protective mechanism? Well, if you haven’t read my previous post you can read it here. My first decade of childhood was filled with some physical abuse*, incest*, and other sexual abuse**. Women didn't hurt me nearly as much as men did, though I hated both genders (men more than women). I learned that no one, and no place was ever safe, not even sleeping or on vacations.

*Person is no longer living
**Non-family related person

Adulthood

I have lived most of my life in adamant denial of having any feelings or desires of same-gender attraction even as an adult and especially after admitting the truth to myself. I tried as best I could to keep it all hidden. Of course those who have a radar for that kind of thing could see me a mile away, so it obviously didn't work that well.

I had moved during college to a new place and felt like I needed to try to have guy friends again and date, after all that’s what most people were doing around me and I wanted to feel normal and fit in. I met a guy that I thought was cute and he liked my friend and asked me for advice on dating her. I was determined to be his friend and he later became my husband for about 9 years.

During those years I was really codependent in all of my relationships. I did not feel like my husband was emotionally available or connecting to me and he admitted to it later. I did what I knew and that was to find someone who needed me & would respond with some kind of interaction.

I had longed for a best friend that I could share my thoughts and feelings with. I finally found one while attending a class—I will call her Karen*. Karen and I were quick friends and spent a lot of time together. I initially didn't think much of how much time I was time and energy I was spending with her. People often told us that we looked and acted a lot like sisters & we did.

After a while a mutual friend Jenna* expressed some concern with behaviors and dynamics between Karen and me. I was shocked at what Jenna was asking and my world went spinning. My throat and heart felt like it dropped down into my stomach and it was all tight and twisted. I started to flail figuratively because someone called me out and I was not ready to admit it to myself or anyone else.

I remained friends with Karen for some time after that conversation and kept telling myself that my intentions were strictly sisterly. There was a night that stands out clearly in my mind that shocked me. Karen and I were talking in the car and we happened to look at each other (I don’t usually make a lot of eye contact, especially while having a conversation—long story) and in that moment I knew exactly what she and I were feeling on a romantic level and it scared me. Nothing happened as far as acting on the feeling goes. It was a night where I couldn't go on pretending I didn't have same-gender attraction.

I was devastated at “allowing” myself to get to that point. How could I betray everything I was taught in church? How could I deceive myself? I was reading scriptures, praying, going to church and therapy regularly, and I still couldn't stop feeling that way. I felt flawed and lost. I felt depressed and hopeless because I couldn't get it right with a guy or a girl. It was this whole damned if you do, damned if you don’t feeling. I felt stuck.

*Fictitious name used for purposes of anonymity

Brokenhearted

I was going through a tough divorce with my husband and the friendship I had with Karen was getting worse and I couldn't go on with either of them anymore. I felt like I was losing everything and everyone I loved all at the same time, and I did. It was a brutal wake-up call and has taken years to work through the patterns of codependency and the deep hurt I experienced. It was heartbreaking.

In all the lost-ness I finally had to take a good look at myself in the mirror. There were no more distractions, no one to project my shit onto, just me, all alone. I was afraid that if I talked about it people would run away from me. I thought people would think I liked them sexually because I could go either way. The truth is I’m rarely sexually attracted to another man or woman. It is not something I focus a lot on. Sure I notice someone is attractive and then I leave it at that.

Friends

I've only recently allowed myself to have female friends really close to me within the last few months, even though the other stuff happened over two years ago. I had to figure out where my ego was and if I was fishing for something more or if I genuinely was being a friend. I had to clarify my intent and why I was entering a relationship of any kind with a person. I didn't want to be ignorant or reckless anymore. My friends are a huge support and resource for me and have been so kind and loving in discussing same-gender attraction with me. They have been immensely compassionate, understanding, and accepting. It is their courage and vulnerability that inspires me to express mine.

They love and appreciate me for who I am and where I am at in my life. They hug me like any other person. When I cry they wrap their arms around me and let my tears fall on their shoulder. They listen with love and they express that they love me and what it is they love about me. Neither one of us is concerned or worried about sexual attraction. We’re just regular, everyday, awesome friends.

LDS Resources

For those who are LDS and LBGTQ there are some resources I have come across. There aren't any answers, but there is understanding, and you are definitely not alone! I hear you. I see you. I love you, just the way you are. I have cried watching many of the videos and it is close to home for me and what I have experienced. Please share my post or these resources with those you love and be mindful in your intent of doing so.

Voices of Hope

I'll Walk With You (LDS)
Sassy Song

There’s a song that goes perfectly with this that a friend of mine found. She played it for me and I laughed and cried because it spoke to me. Secrets, by Mary Lambert

Judgment, Divorce, and Grief

Monday, January 9, 2012

The other day I wrote something that explains what I have been feeling about myself: “I love him. I'd like to have a better relationship, but I can't force him to heal and become whole. There are torn heartstrings--as from an LDS viewpoint there is an element of always "forgiving" and having enough "faith"--the cultural expectation that if you endure long enough, pray sincerely enough, try hard enough, & be righteous enough--that everything will be the way it ideally should be. That is a great weight on my shoulders; a heavy burden to bear--I feel that if I divorce him again, I am somehow failing miserably. I know logically I'm not responsible for healing him, yet I know I'm the only person who's been consistent with loving him in his entire life. I have a really hard time letting go of that.”

The 7 stages of grief are:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. “Depression,” Anger, & Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction& Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope

So today I was becoming really bothered that other people were perhaps judging me—they did not agree with my point of view or my choices. I was frustrated and felt betrayed. How could they not understand? It was so clear to me.

Then I realized that I was looking for outward approval and that I was putting my ego into it. I humbled myself and took a hard look at what I was really feeling and how I was the one judging others. I remembered an article in this month's Ensign, “Look Up, Not Sideways”. I remembered that I need to be seeking the Lord's approval on my decisions and not the world's, even if the world to me is my family, friends, and neighbors. http://lds.org/ensign/2012/01/look-up?lang=eng

It is amazing how quickly I received comfort and clarity when I sincerely poured my heart out to Him. I had a distinct thought. Emily, “You are grieving for your loss,” and that's okay. The thoughts went on from there. If my husband had passed away or died in an unexpected accident, I suppose I would receive so much more support and comfort from others. People wouldn't be judging me if I was grieving because my husband died. No one would imply or say to me, “Emily, if you were just righteous, faithful, and prayed enough, your husband wouldn't have had to die right now.” Who would be insensitive enough to say that?

Instead, I am getting divorced for the 2^nd time from the same husband. There is the cultural implication that somehow I have failed to do the above mentioned “faithful” spiel that goes with it. It's against the “rules” to not “endure” my marriage in its entirety. Part of me says, “Don't they know that I'm grieving because I'm losing my husband? It's not as if I'm choosing for him to leave me.” In some ways I think the grief from divorce is more difficult. It's a living rejection based death. Not only am I grieving the loss of a precious loved one, I'm getting tossed aside as well. There is hurt and heartache along with the huge loss.

I have need of repentance for comparing and judging my experience and decisions against that of other. Everyone's situation is unique, yet there are many similarities.

Other people who have loved ones in addiction and mental health stick with it. That's great! I would love to stick with it, if “it” wanted to stick with me. I realize that despite my willingness to endure, I cannot make my husband want to be married to me or to anyone else for that matter. I can't force him to live up to my personal beliefs or standards. I do not have the power or ability to restore him to wholeness. That is God's role, not mine.

In an Al-Anon book today's date says:

“How often I look outside myself for approval!...If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.”

“Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.”

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. (Carl Jung).”

How fitting was all of that for me today?! I know that in the end, I will be okay. That no matter what happens I have intrinsic value and worth. I simply can only do my best and God takes care of the rest. Here's to letting go & letting God!