Judgment, Divorce, and Grief

Monday, January 9, 2012

The other day I wrote something that explains what I have been feeling about myself: “I love him. I'd like to have a better relationship, but I can't force him to heal and become whole. There are torn heartstrings--as from an LDS viewpoint there is an element of always "forgiving" and having enough "faith"--the cultural expectation that if you endure long enough, pray sincerely enough, try hard enough, & be righteous enough--that everything will be the way it ideally should be. That is a great weight on my shoulders; a heavy burden to bear--I feel that if I divorce him again, I am somehow failing miserably. I know logically I'm not responsible for healing him, yet I know I'm the only person who's been consistent with loving him in his entire life. I have a really hard time letting go of that.”

The 7 stages of grief are:

http://www.recover-from-grief.com/7-stages-of-grief.html

1. Shock & Denial
2. Pain & Guilt
3. Anger & Bargaining
4. “Depression,” Anger, & Loneliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction& Working Through
7. Acceptance & Hope

So today I was becoming really bothered that other people were perhaps judging me—they did not agree with my point of view or my choices. I was frustrated and felt betrayed. How could they not understand? It was so clear to me.

Then I realized that I was looking for outward approval and that I was putting my ego into it. I humbled myself and took a hard look at what I was really feeling and how I was the one judging others. I remembered an article in this month's Ensign, “Look Up, Not Sideways”. I remembered that I need to be seeking the Lord's approval on my decisions and not the world's, even if the world to me is my family, friends, and neighbors. http://lds.org/ensign/2012/01/look-up?lang=eng

It is amazing how quickly I received comfort and clarity when I sincerely poured my heart out to Him. I had a distinct thought. Emily, “You are grieving for your loss,” and that's okay. The thoughts went on from there. If my husband had passed away or died in an unexpected accident, I suppose I would receive so much more support and comfort from others. People wouldn't be judging me if I was grieving because my husband died. No one would imply or say to me, “Emily, if you were just righteous, faithful, and prayed enough, your husband wouldn't have had to die right now.” Who would be insensitive enough to say that?

Instead, I am getting divorced for the 2^nd time from the same husband. There is the cultural implication that somehow I have failed to do the above mentioned “faithful” spiel that goes with it. It's against the “rules” to not “endure” my marriage in its entirety. Part of me says, “Don't they know that I'm grieving because I'm losing my husband? It's not as if I'm choosing for him to leave me.” In some ways I think the grief from divorce is more difficult. It's a living rejection based death. Not only am I grieving the loss of a precious loved one, I'm getting tossed aside as well. There is hurt and heartache along with the huge loss.

I have need of repentance for comparing and judging my experience and decisions against that of other. Everyone's situation is unique, yet there are many similarities.

Other people who have loved ones in addiction and mental health stick with it. That's great! I would love to stick with it, if “it” wanted to stick with me. I realize that despite my willingness to endure, I cannot make my husband want to be married to me or to anyone else for that matter. I can't force him to live up to my personal beliefs or standards. I do not have the power or ability to restore him to wholeness. That is God's role, not mine.

In an Al-Anon book today's date says:

“How often I look outside myself for approval!...If I can learn to evaluate my own actions and behavior and to value my own judgment, then the approval of others will be enjoyable, but no longer essential to my serenity.”

“Just for today, I will appreciate myself. I will not look to others for approval; I will provide it for myself. I'll allow myself to recognize that I am doing the best I can. Today my best is good enough.”

“Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. (Carl Jung).”

How fitting was all of that for me today?! I know that in the end, I will be okay. That no matter what happens I have intrinsic value and worth. I simply can only do my best and God takes care of the rest. Here's to letting go & letting God!