No Filters: Straight Up, I’m Gay!

Wow. It feels so good to say that and admit it more publicly. Are you still with me? Okay, good. BREATHE. Now, some of you are excited, happy, and glad for me and others may be anxious, sad, surprised, shocked, scared, or worried. No need to fear, I’m completely okay with knowing, believing, and embracing all of me, inside and out. I am comfortable with my spirituality and sexuality, and how they are inseparably connected for me in this reality. It is a truth that is so real for me on a daily basis and I'm glad I am finally embracing it.

The time for me to speak my truth is now, when I am in the process of discovering, exploring, and accepting it. It is when I am finally awake, alive, and present with the previously most hidden aspects of myself. It is when I feel joy and passion at the thought of being completely authentic with most people. That is where the power in sharing my heartfelt personal experiences comes from. It is a space of love.

I’m not writing to brag, gloat, impose, shove, prove, or spite anyone. I have no hidden agenda and absolutely nothing to prove. I’m not looking for love or approval because I don’t need that from anyone outside of myself. No, ego isn't a very good reason to share this sort of thing either. In sharing my story I am speaking to the part of everyone that has struggled to some degree or another to understand who they are on a deep soul level. 

My story isn't about being gay at all, that’s just a detail. Instead, my story is about learning to unconditionally love and accept myself exactly as I am and to love what presently is. In a post from last August I came out as being bisexual and to the best of my knowledge at the time I was being truthful. I find guys to be fun and novel and that’s about it. When I see myself in long-term relationships it is always with women on a deeper and committed level.

It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I started venturing into this “new” world, which really is the one I was naturally born into. I tried so hard my whole life to fit in, do what I thought I was supposed to or needed to do, to get rid feelings of same sex attraction or completely deny them. I've been beating myself up my whole life over something I had no control over. I didn't ask to be gay, nor did I choose it. Why would I choose to be gay in a world that largely shames, ridicules, persecutes, and denies a person of that orientation?! No one would really pick that when it comes right down to it. Um, yes, please sign me up for discrimination and hate because I feel that would be a pleasant life experience… Yeah, no, not how it works. I believe that since I genuinely love people that others are capable for doing the same for me. It is in this regard that I have not encountered negative responses so far.

Rather than repeating endless shame cycles of beating a dead horse I decided to grieve the dead horse and love it. It turns out the horse wasn't dead, dead, but it was in a deep sleep awaiting the time that it would be safe to run free just as it was designed to. It needed to be nurtured, held, be hugged, have its sore muscles rubbed, hair washed and brushed, shoes cleaned and maintained, and be given water, shelter, and food. That dead horse was a part of me; it is a part of me. Energy cannot be destroyed or be rid of. Instead energy can be transformed into something far more beautiful than we could ever imagine with our own understanding. I needed refinement and strengthening. I needed soul training. God didn't beat me or the horse one bit; I did that to myself before anyone else could as a way to feel safe and in control of the process or outcome. God gave me strength to rise and run again. He gave me courage and hope and filled my ears with shouts of praise and glory. He reminded me that he sees my heart and it’s full of love. He tells me to keep going because it is what is true for me and he wants me to be happy.

In my experiences with dating women so far I have come to learn that I am far happier in that space together. I have realized that the PTSD and triggers I had in similar situations with men aren't happening at all with women. The triggers are an afterthought of “oh, that would usually be a trigger for me, but for some reason it’s not.” It is 150% natural for me. I don’t have to make or convince myself to want to be with the person. Being with women for me is expansive and feels safe and whole and that is the flow I allow.

Many times I have shouted words of anger and rage at God and I've shoved him out a time or two in moments of despair or frustration. I didn't understand why I would come designed to like the same gender and it felt unfair. It didn't make sense to me why God would expect someone to be miserable the rest of their lives because sharing all the love I had & the way that I can would be considered sinful (keep in mind this is within the context of religious practices/beliefs of celibacy before marriage and monogamy the remainder of your life with one person of the opposite gender you are legally married to). God has made it very clear to me that I am to love with all of my heart. I came to this life to learn, experience, and be Love and this is part of God’s plan for me. I don’t claim to understand it really. I do trust the feeling of peace and joy I have with it though & those feelings always come from a higher power.

Years ago when getting a divorce after 9 years of marriage I felt like my world was falling apart, my world was turned upside down, and that I was running through hell. I finally realize that everything was happening for me so that my life could finally fall perfectly into place in the direction of dreams beyond my wildest imagination and then some. It has brought me to a place of gracious wonder, a place of joy, laughter, peace, and a soul transforming freedom. Yes, it was a deep space of darkness where I did not know anything anymore and the space of unknowing was unsettling. But after years of being spiritually nurtured I can see where God planted the seeds in fertile ground and assisted and waited patiently for me to break ground, grow, and bring forth beautiful fruits. It is in the darkness that I became open to receiving all of God’s creations for me and that I can now come forward in the light of his love and support. God doesn't withhold or filter his love and neither will I.

What My Secrets Are. So, What?

My Thoughts

In case you ever wondered, figured it out a long time ago, or would have never guessed I am bisexual. I don’t consider it my “identity” because it is not who I am. Bisexuality is just a part of my experience. I’m not hiding it anymore.

I want to make it clear that I believe that I would have same-sex attraction regardless of any earthly circumstances. I believe that it just is for me. I don’t know why my brain is wired bisexually & quite frankly I don’t understand why some people make such a big deal about it. I've heard a lot of, “God wouldn't make someone that way.” Well, have you ever noticed how many people in this world are born with diseases, disorders, deformities, and addictions? Well, God didn't make them any less valuable. There isn't a flaw in his design. This was on purpose and it has purpose.

I don’t understand it all, but I do know there is a great deal of compassion and empathy I have because of it. I love more deeply and more freely and more easily a wide variety of people because of the things I have been faced with. I don’t go around telling everyone “I have bipolar” because that’s not who I am, though I do have bipolar. I don’t go around asking people their gender identity either. Why would I? Would that information somehow change who they are? They are the same person they have always been whether you knew about a “condition” or not. There is no threat or fear in knowing someone’s secret.

The truth is God’s love is unconditional. There aren't any stipulations on who he loves. He doesn't say, “Oh. I see you are gay. I’m sorry I designed you that way. I guess you won’t get to be in Heaven with me.” Yeah, not even close. I’m tired of some cultural implications that there is something inherently wrong, bad, sinful, or unnatural about same gender attraction. Just because you don’t understand something, doesn't mean you can judge it. Some religions profess that those with “unnatural” thoughts will go to Hell, while other religions infer depending on who’s interpreting it, that you won’t make it to Heaven (It’s a passive aggressive way of saying, “You’re going to Hell.” It’s still not really nice).

"...common sense should tell us that no one would choose to be gay or lesbian. In a society where churches condemn them to hell, where they are the continuous butt of comedians' jokes and their very lives are threatened by warring fundamentalists, including mainline 'redneck' homophobics and white supremacists, why would anyone choose to be gay or lesbian? 'Coming out' simply means that a person is clear about his or her sexual orientation and has the courage to own it." --John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

My journey with same-gender attraction has been a lifelong one. It is not what I wanted and I strongly feel it is not something I would choose to have on my own account. It is what it is and there you have it.

The Beginnings *Please note that some people may be triggered by the mention of different events and experiences below. I do not go into anything close to details as they are not beneficial for anyone involved & are unnecessary to tell the story.

From an early age I was definitely a tomboy. I loved mud, toy cars, Lego, forts, playing cops & robbers, rough “boy” sports, & lots of similar things. In elementary school I was the girl who chased away boys on the playground when they were bothering other girls and I always played the dad in the dreaded playing house games. I was very protective of other girls. Most of my friends were boys though, somehow they seemed way less complex & I didn't have to bother talking about “girl stuff” with them.

By the time middle school hit, I had 1 friend who was a girl & the rest were boys. I still dressed and behaved as a tomboy & I was very chauvinistic. I had to prove that I was strong & I definitely was always on edge and on the defensive. I would get in fights with boys at school, though strangely never when a teacher was nearby. I even hit one boy on the head with a text book. Not my finest moments… Still, rumors had spread that I was gay, especially since I enjoyed spending time with our lesbian gym teachers.

My freshman year in high school a girl asked me, “Why do you only have friends that are guys?” So, then I switched to only having girls as friends. I didn't want people to even remotely think I was lesbian. No matter what school or city I was in (1 middle school & 3 different high schools) the rumor would crop up that I was gay. When I was working a co-worker once asked, “Why do you always dress like a boy?!” I don’t remember my reply. What I do remember is feeling shame and that something must have been wrong with me because people kept saying stuff like that.

I was not at all a stereotypical teenage girl.  I was being extra good with not making out with boys or doing anything close to it. I didn't date until after high school because I had no interest in “dumb boys. I didn't give a rip about anything that was popular at the time, especially not boy bands. *ick* I didn't dress anywhere near a feminine way for what our culture expects. I wore black, navy blue, and dark brown clothes most of the time and clothes that weren't a flattering fit at all. I never wore make up, unless it was a choir performance and that was because it was mandatory. I never did my hair really. It was a slicked back, gel-crusted, ponytail. I mostly wanted to not be noticed at all, to be invisible, and forgettable.

This was all an effort to keep myself protected from getting hurt sexually, physically, and emotionally. Why the protective mechanism? Well, if you haven’t read my previous post you can read it here. My first decade of childhood was filled with some physical abuse*, incest*, and other sexual abuse**. Women didn't hurt me nearly as much as men did, though I hated both genders (men more than women). I learned that no one, and no place was ever safe, not even sleeping or on vacations.

*Person is no longer living
**Non-family related person

Adulthood

I have lived most of my life in adamant denial of having any feelings or desires of same-gender attraction even as an adult and especially after admitting the truth to myself. I tried as best I could to keep it all hidden. Of course those who have a radar for that kind of thing could see me a mile away, so it obviously didn't work that well.

I had moved during college to a new place and felt like I needed to try to have guy friends again and date, after all that’s what most people were doing around me and I wanted to feel normal and fit in. I met a guy that I thought was cute and he liked my friend and asked me for advice on dating her. I was determined to be his friend and he later became my husband for about 9 years.

During those years I was really codependent in all of my relationships. I did not feel like my husband was emotionally available or connecting to me and he admitted to it later. I did what I knew and that was to find someone who needed me & would respond with some kind of interaction.

I had longed for a best friend that I could share my thoughts and feelings with. I finally found one while attending a class—I will call her Karen*. Karen and I were quick friends and spent a lot of time together. I initially didn't think much of how much time I was time and energy I was spending with her. People often told us that we looked and acted a lot like sisters & we did.

After a while a mutual friend Jenna* expressed some concern with behaviors and dynamics between Karen and me. I was shocked at what Jenna was asking and my world went spinning. My throat and heart felt like it dropped down into my stomach and it was all tight and twisted. I started to flail figuratively because someone called me out and I was not ready to admit it to myself or anyone else.

I remained friends with Karen for some time after that conversation and kept telling myself that my intentions were strictly sisterly. There was a night that stands out clearly in my mind that shocked me. Karen and I were talking in the car and we happened to look at each other (I don’t usually make a lot of eye contact, especially while having a conversation—long story) and in that moment I knew exactly what she and I were feeling on a romantic level and it scared me. Nothing happened as far as acting on the feeling goes. It was a night where I couldn't go on pretending I didn't have same-gender attraction.

I was devastated at “allowing” myself to get to that point. How could I betray everything I was taught in church? How could I deceive myself? I was reading scriptures, praying, going to church and therapy regularly, and I still couldn't stop feeling that way. I felt flawed and lost. I felt depressed and hopeless because I couldn't get it right with a guy or a girl. It was this whole damned if you do, damned if you don’t feeling. I felt stuck.

*Fictitious name used for purposes of anonymity

Brokenhearted

I was going through a tough divorce with my husband and the friendship I had with Karen was getting worse and I couldn't go on with either of them anymore. I felt like I was losing everything and everyone I loved all at the same time, and I did. It was a brutal wake-up call and has taken years to work through the patterns of codependency and the deep hurt I experienced. It was heartbreaking.

In all the lost-ness I finally had to take a good look at myself in the mirror. There were no more distractions, no one to project my shit onto, just me, all alone. I was afraid that if I talked about it people would run away from me. I thought people would think I liked them sexually because I could go either way. The truth is I’m rarely sexually attracted to another man or woman. It is not something I focus a lot on. Sure I notice someone is attractive and then I leave it at that.

Friends

I've only recently allowed myself to have female friends really close to me within the last few months, even though the other stuff happened over two years ago. I had to figure out where my ego was and if I was fishing for something more or if I genuinely was being a friend. I had to clarify my intent and why I was entering a relationship of any kind with a person. I didn't want to be ignorant or reckless anymore. My friends are a huge support and resource for me and have been so kind and loving in discussing same-gender attraction with me. They have been immensely compassionate, understanding, and accepting. It is their courage and vulnerability that inspires me to express mine.

They love and appreciate me for who I am and where I am at in my life. They hug me like any other person. When I cry they wrap their arms around me and let my tears fall on their shoulder. They listen with love and they express that they love me and what it is they love about me. Neither one of us is concerned or worried about sexual attraction. We’re just regular, everyday, awesome friends.

LDS Resources

For those who are LDS and LBGTQ there are some resources I have come across. There aren't any answers, but there is understanding, and you are definitely not alone! I hear you. I see you. I love you, just the way you are. I have cried watching many of the videos and it is close to home for me and what I have experienced. Please share my post or these resources with those you love and be mindful in your intent of doing so.

Voices of Hope

I'll Walk With You (LDS)
Sassy Song

There’s a song that goes perfectly with this that a friend of mine found. She played it for me and I laughed and cried because it spoke to me. Secrets, by Mary Lambert