No Filters: Straight Up, I’m Gay!

Wow. It feels so good to say that and admit it more publicly. Are you still with me? Okay, good. BREATHE. Now, some of you are excited, happy, and glad for me and others may be anxious, sad, surprised, shocked, scared, or worried. No need to fear, I’m completely okay with knowing, believing, and embracing all of me, inside and out. I am comfortable with my spirituality and sexuality, and how they are inseparably connected for me in this reality. It is a truth that is so real for me on a daily basis and I'm glad I am finally embracing it.

The time for me to speak my truth is now, when I am in the process of discovering, exploring, and accepting it. It is when I am finally awake, alive, and present with the previously most hidden aspects of myself. It is when I feel joy and passion at the thought of being completely authentic with most people. That is where the power in sharing my heartfelt personal experiences comes from. It is a space of love.

I’m not writing to brag, gloat, impose, shove, prove, or spite anyone. I have no hidden agenda and absolutely nothing to prove. I’m not looking for love or approval because I don’t need that from anyone outside of myself. No, ego isn't a very good reason to share this sort of thing either. In sharing my story I am speaking to the part of everyone that has struggled to some degree or another to understand who they are on a deep soul level. 

My story isn't about being gay at all, that’s just a detail. Instead, my story is about learning to unconditionally love and accept myself exactly as I am and to love what presently is. In a post from last August I came out as being bisexual and to the best of my knowledge at the time I was being truthful. I find guys to be fun and novel and that’s about it. When I see myself in long-term relationships it is always with women on a deeper and committed level.

It wasn't until about 6 months ago that I started venturing into this “new” world, which really is the one I was naturally born into. I tried so hard my whole life to fit in, do what I thought I was supposed to or needed to do, to get rid feelings of same sex attraction or completely deny them. I've been beating myself up my whole life over something I had no control over. I didn't ask to be gay, nor did I choose it. Why would I choose to be gay in a world that largely shames, ridicules, persecutes, and denies a person of that orientation?! No one would really pick that when it comes right down to it. Um, yes, please sign me up for discrimination and hate because I feel that would be a pleasant life experience… Yeah, no, not how it works. I believe that since I genuinely love people that others are capable for doing the same for me. It is in this regard that I have not encountered negative responses so far.

Rather than repeating endless shame cycles of beating a dead horse I decided to grieve the dead horse and love it. It turns out the horse wasn't dead, dead, but it was in a deep sleep awaiting the time that it would be safe to run free just as it was designed to. It needed to be nurtured, held, be hugged, have its sore muscles rubbed, hair washed and brushed, shoes cleaned and maintained, and be given water, shelter, and food. That dead horse was a part of me; it is a part of me. Energy cannot be destroyed or be rid of. Instead energy can be transformed into something far more beautiful than we could ever imagine with our own understanding. I needed refinement and strengthening. I needed soul training. God didn't beat me or the horse one bit; I did that to myself before anyone else could as a way to feel safe and in control of the process or outcome. God gave me strength to rise and run again. He gave me courage and hope and filled my ears with shouts of praise and glory. He reminded me that he sees my heart and it’s full of love. He tells me to keep going because it is what is true for me and he wants me to be happy.

In my experiences with dating women so far I have come to learn that I am far happier in that space together. I have realized that the PTSD and triggers I had in similar situations with men aren't happening at all with women. The triggers are an afterthought of “oh, that would usually be a trigger for me, but for some reason it’s not.” It is 150% natural for me. I don’t have to make or convince myself to want to be with the person. Being with women for me is expansive and feels safe and whole and that is the flow I allow.

Many times I have shouted words of anger and rage at God and I've shoved him out a time or two in moments of despair or frustration. I didn't understand why I would come designed to like the same gender and it felt unfair. It didn't make sense to me why God would expect someone to be miserable the rest of their lives because sharing all the love I had & the way that I can would be considered sinful (keep in mind this is within the context of religious practices/beliefs of celibacy before marriage and monogamy the remainder of your life with one person of the opposite gender you are legally married to). God has made it very clear to me that I am to love with all of my heart. I came to this life to learn, experience, and be Love and this is part of God’s plan for me. I don’t claim to understand it really. I do trust the feeling of peace and joy I have with it though & those feelings always come from a higher power.

Years ago when getting a divorce after 9 years of marriage I felt like my world was falling apart, my world was turned upside down, and that I was running through hell. I finally realize that everything was happening for me so that my life could finally fall perfectly into place in the direction of dreams beyond my wildest imagination and then some. It has brought me to a place of gracious wonder, a place of joy, laughter, peace, and a soul transforming freedom. Yes, it was a deep space of darkness where I did not know anything anymore and the space of unknowing was unsettling. But after years of being spiritually nurtured I can see where God planted the seeds in fertile ground and assisted and waited patiently for me to break ground, grow, and bring forth beautiful fruits. It is in the darkness that I became open to receiving all of God’s creations for me and that I can now come forward in the light of his love and support. God doesn't withhold or filter his love and neither will I.

Growth Becomes Me

When I started an alternative school a year ago I knew this was the place I needed to be at this time in my life. I did not realize what I was really signing up for & how much time & energy I would put into it, and consequently invest in myself. This school, the experience, is what you make of it. I have truly transformed into a renewed woman and if I were to read the “story” of how I did life before, I wouldn't believe it was the same person standing here.

I used to ask God the “Why me?” question. The questions I use more often are now:

·                 Why not me?

·                 What would you have me learn? Am I willing to learn it?

·                 What do you want me to do with this information & how could I use it to bless myself and others through you?

·                 What is it I really want?

·                 What will I do to create a new truth today?

The answers are not always immediately clear, or in the way, or time-frame I’d like. The answers will always come. They are replied to in the commanding affirmatives:

·                 You learn well.

·                 I have nourished and nurtured you all these years.

·                 I trust you. You have gifts to bless those around you and I know you will do it with love, compassion, and empathy. You can relate.

·                 I love you passionately and want you to know and feel me personally.

·                 You are a co-creator. The word is creative. Speak well & speak wisely.

From the present looking back I am able to see a different perspective. God does not make mistakes. He creates miracles! My greatest gifts and lessons have come from the darkest & most anguished parts of life experiences. For it is in the darkness that my greatest treasures can be found as I focus on the light I see there.

Some of the hardest things this last year were learning to walk away. In the Four Agreements it states, “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.” I have learned to make different choices and to stand up for myself. I have learned to change my thought processes. 

Changes in belief systems always precede a change in behavior. It is not until we fully recognize the what, when, how, and why of the belief that we can come to a place of greater awareness & informed choosing. We must come to an understanding of what our behavior costs us & what it is we really want. Is what you're doing getting you what you really want? Or, is what you're doing getting you what you fear most?

You create that which you most concern yourself with, what you put the most thought, time and energy into. That which we resist persists. I believed that I was unworthy of love & I found a way to validate my erroneous and egotistical belief. I even blocked my relationship with God because I felt I didn't even deserve his love. 

When we clarify our intent and purpose life happens more beautifully. We become clean, pure, whole, and full of light. We find joy and peace in purposeful living.

In processing one of my favorite questions asked are, "What is the truth about you? What is the whole truth? What have you learned from these experiences? Who have you become because of this?"

I now know these truths: I love myself enough to let go of huge fears that get in the way of having fun & enjoying outings with my family. I am vulnerable, open & honest. I am willing to get out of my zone of extreme safety and try some new things, and who knows, I might even like them. I am balanced in family, friends, and work. My family remains my first priority & I continue to learn and grow from them.

I live my life passionately, clearly, and with power and purpose. I look in the mirror and think, “Damn, I look good! How did I get to be so lucky to be me?” Yes, I am confident & self-assured. I speak & live in my truth. I know who I am. I am beautiful, kind, loving, and there’s no one else quite like me. I am my own person. I look forward to helping others transcend their painful experiences into positive passion and self-love as I have for myself. I grow in grace & I grow in God. Growth and healing becomes me. I am miraculous.