My Purpose: Is It All Worth It?

My heart is a bit tender this evening. As I reflect upon a few things I realize I am afraid of being all of me. I'm afraid of being amazing, big, intense, and stepping into my role as an influencer on a larger scale. God did not give me the experiences and personality I have to sit still and be quiet with. No, I am personally and intricately designed to speak my truth, to share my experiences, to teach from my heart, and to inspire transcendence of the old into the new in a very outward manner. I am a young soul and I am here to shine.

I have been resisting this truth a lot lately. I've resisted because I know stepping into my truth more fully and consistently (practicing it daily) means that I am responsible and accountable for what I do with the gifts I have been given. God is keenly aware of me and is rooting for my thriving and in fact, I agreed to uphold that part of the deal. God trusts me. The problem is I don’t allow myself to trust me. I want to get it all “right” and “perfect” and that is a shame illusion straight from the ego center.

Come with me as I process through some of the path revelations inside my head: *Some Emily-isms or Em-words do appear. So if you say to yourself, “hey that’s not a real word,” realize in my world it totally is and it counts.

Somehow I keep lying to myself about my path, calling, life purpose, etc. I am in resistance to it. The directives to my path or mission should I choose to accept them is as follows (though in no particular order)…

Write a book, or books: I cringe at the mere suggestion of multiple cohesive texts coming through me. *Barf* given the nausea, I’m betting more than one is entirely necessary at some point. Gee, thanks God. One thing is for sure, I’ll need a heck of an editor to work with all my randomness that makes sense to me, but not necessarily to most people.

Speak at conferences: Yeah, for a girl who can pretty much talk all the time I somehow have myself fooled into thinking a few things:

1. I wouldn't have anything to talk about

2. It wouldn't sound cohesive

3. I would not stay on topic

4. No one would take me seriously

5. It would be too personal or vulnerable & people could get triggered

Can you tell I have put myself in a box and pretended like I’m a cat & can’t get out of it?! Yeah, I’m not a cat though, am I? Darn. Oh, I just realized I have all sorts of judgment towards myself, lovely.

I do have the voices of several supportive friends in my head at this very moment actually laughing at the idea of my staying on one topic, and yes they have done so in real life. It is because they love and know me, and that my gifts are best served with a diversified portfolio of information. Can you imagine me with one hyper focused topic? If that’s the case, I may as well be a Cyclops with a laser piercing you to the heart. I don’t think that approach would work out very well in the long run. Duck and cover, run and hide.

Teaching: Um, what would I teach exactly? Soul Integrity at some point, though I can see where after a few years I’ll want to do something different. I ask myself, “Is it worth doing if I know I’ll end up doing something else later on?” YES. The answer is ALWAYS, “YES!” Go where the passion is. I’m all about new beginnings and learning something new. Of course my teaching would reflect my personality—duh, I already knew that.

I naturally teach all the time, though I have been learning that it is not always my job to do so. If it is not in my stewardship or clearly inspired for me to do so, I try really hard to sit on my figurative hands and keep my thoughts to myself. Not all thoughts are designed to be shared at all times, in all things, or in all places. To everything there is a season and a seasoned practice-er who listens and speaks intuitively with their heart.  

Life Coaching: This one seems to be okay since I currently feel like it is further away or ahead. If it is distanced, somehow it doesn't seem like a big deal at all and I can keep pretending. It’s like rear-view mirrors—objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. I swear that one was in my blind spot and the sun was at just the right angle & I didn't see that one coming. Yeah, still a form of denial, bummer. If I’m not careful it will hit me in the face when I’m not looking where I’m going.

What does a life coach do exactly? I’m still not sure, but it is on the menu of things to do according to my life on God’s plan, so it will happen sometime. Is there a life coaching school? I have this thing with being certified and accredited to some degree of professionalism. Maybe a life coach will mentor me at some point. Yeah, that would be awesome. I am referring to a physical person on earth. God’s an awesome coach and all, but I am in need of living books to learn from firsthand who also go with that kind of flow.

Honestly, I’d feel a lot more comfortable practicing as a Marriage and Family Therapist or a Psychologist. That was my original plan before anything else in my life happened. Yes, I was 16 when I realized I wanted to go into therapy as a profession. Heck, psychology books are what I read for fun, and given the amount of time and money I have spent in the last decade I’d say I have extensive individual job shadowing of several therapists—6 years’ worth so far, to be exact.

The title of Psychologist feels safer, more contained, predictable, & has defined legal parameters. And as I write that I then remember that too much structure and rules without enough flexibility and bending would be the death of me. I would likely end up hating it. So, Life Coaching it will be, even though I still have no clue what that would look like.

Here’s to jumping into the depths of the unknown. Wish me luck! The multitude awaits.

Growth Becomes Me

When I started an alternative school a year ago I knew this was the place I needed to be at this time in my life. I did not realize what I was really signing up for & how much time & energy I would put into it, and consequently invest in myself. This school, the experience, is what you make of it. I have truly transformed into a renewed woman and if I were to read the “story” of how I did life before, I wouldn't believe it was the same person standing here.

I used to ask God the “Why me?” question. The questions I use more often are now:

·                 Why not me?

·                 What would you have me learn? Am I willing to learn it?

·                 What do you want me to do with this information & how could I use it to bless myself and others through you?

·                 What is it I really want?

·                 What will I do to create a new truth today?

The answers are not always immediately clear, or in the way, or time-frame I’d like. The answers will always come. They are replied to in the commanding affirmatives:

·                 You learn well.

·                 I have nourished and nurtured you all these years.

·                 I trust you. You have gifts to bless those around you and I know you will do it with love, compassion, and empathy. You can relate.

·                 I love you passionately and want you to know and feel me personally.

·                 You are a co-creator. The word is creative. Speak well & speak wisely.

From the present looking back I am able to see a different perspective. God does not make mistakes. He creates miracles! My greatest gifts and lessons have come from the darkest & most anguished parts of life experiences. For it is in the darkness that my greatest treasures can be found as I focus on the light I see there.

Some of the hardest things this last year were learning to walk away. In the Four Agreements it states, “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.” I have learned to make different choices and to stand up for myself. I have learned to change my thought processes. 

Changes in belief systems always precede a change in behavior. It is not until we fully recognize the what, when, how, and why of the belief that we can come to a place of greater awareness & informed choosing. We must come to an understanding of what our behavior costs us & what it is we really want. Is what you're doing getting you what you really want? Or, is what you're doing getting you what you fear most?

You create that which you most concern yourself with, what you put the most thought, time and energy into. That which we resist persists. I believed that I was unworthy of love & I found a way to validate my erroneous and egotistical belief. I even blocked my relationship with God because I felt I didn't even deserve his love. 

When we clarify our intent and purpose life happens more beautifully. We become clean, pure, whole, and full of light. We find joy and peace in purposeful living.

In processing one of my favorite questions asked are, "What is the truth about you? What is the whole truth? What have you learned from these experiences? Who have you become because of this?"

I now know these truths: I love myself enough to let go of huge fears that get in the way of having fun & enjoying outings with my family. I am vulnerable, open & honest. I am willing to get out of my zone of extreme safety and try some new things, and who knows, I might even like them. I am balanced in family, friends, and work. My family remains my first priority & I continue to learn and grow from them.

I live my life passionately, clearly, and with power and purpose. I look in the mirror and think, “Damn, I look good! How did I get to be so lucky to be me?” Yes, I am confident & self-assured. I speak & live in my truth. I know who I am. I am beautiful, kind, loving, and there’s no one else quite like me. I am my own person. I look forward to helping others transcend their painful experiences into positive passion and self-love as I have for myself. I grow in grace & I grow in God. Growth and healing becomes me. I am miraculous.