My Purpose: Is It All Worth It?

My heart is a bit tender this evening. As I reflect upon a few things I realize I am afraid of being all of me. I'm afraid of being amazing, big, intense, and stepping into my role as an influencer on a larger scale. God did not give me the experiences and personality I have to sit still and be quiet with. No, I am personally and intricately designed to speak my truth, to share my experiences, to teach from my heart, and to inspire transcendence of the old into the new in a very outward manner. I am a young soul and I am here to shine.

I have been resisting this truth a lot lately. I've resisted because I know stepping into my truth more fully and consistently (practicing it daily) means that I am responsible and accountable for what I do with the gifts I have been given. God is keenly aware of me and is rooting for my thriving and in fact, I agreed to uphold that part of the deal. God trusts me. The problem is I don’t allow myself to trust me. I want to get it all “right” and “perfect” and that is a shame illusion straight from the ego center.

Come with me as I process through some of the path revelations inside my head: *Some Emily-isms or Em-words do appear. So if you say to yourself, “hey that’s not a real word,” realize in my world it totally is and it counts.

Somehow I keep lying to myself about my path, calling, life purpose, etc. I am in resistance to it. The directives to my path or mission should I choose to accept them is as follows (though in no particular order)…

Write a book, or books: I cringe at the mere suggestion of multiple cohesive texts coming through me. *Barf* given the nausea, I’m betting more than one is entirely necessary at some point. Gee, thanks God. One thing is for sure, I’ll need a heck of an editor to work with all my randomness that makes sense to me, but not necessarily to most people.

Speak at conferences: Yeah, for a girl who can pretty much talk all the time I somehow have myself fooled into thinking a few things:

1. I wouldn't have anything to talk about

2. It wouldn't sound cohesive

3. I would not stay on topic

4. No one would take me seriously

5. It would be too personal or vulnerable & people could get triggered

Can you tell I have put myself in a box and pretended like I’m a cat & can’t get out of it?! Yeah, I’m not a cat though, am I? Darn. Oh, I just realized I have all sorts of judgment towards myself, lovely.

I do have the voices of several supportive friends in my head at this very moment actually laughing at the idea of my staying on one topic, and yes they have done so in real life. It is because they love and know me, and that my gifts are best served with a diversified portfolio of information. Can you imagine me with one hyper focused topic? If that’s the case, I may as well be a Cyclops with a laser piercing you to the heart. I don’t think that approach would work out very well in the long run. Duck and cover, run and hide.

Teaching: Um, what would I teach exactly? Soul Integrity at some point, though I can see where after a few years I’ll want to do something different. I ask myself, “Is it worth doing if I know I’ll end up doing something else later on?” YES. The answer is ALWAYS, “YES!” Go where the passion is. I’m all about new beginnings and learning something new. Of course my teaching would reflect my personality—duh, I already knew that.

I naturally teach all the time, though I have been learning that it is not always my job to do so. If it is not in my stewardship or clearly inspired for me to do so, I try really hard to sit on my figurative hands and keep my thoughts to myself. Not all thoughts are designed to be shared at all times, in all things, or in all places. To everything there is a season and a seasoned practice-er who listens and speaks intuitively with their heart.  

Life Coaching: This one seems to be okay since I currently feel like it is further away or ahead. If it is distanced, somehow it doesn't seem like a big deal at all and I can keep pretending. It’s like rear-view mirrors—objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. I swear that one was in my blind spot and the sun was at just the right angle & I didn't see that one coming. Yeah, still a form of denial, bummer. If I’m not careful it will hit me in the face when I’m not looking where I’m going.

What does a life coach do exactly? I’m still not sure, but it is on the menu of things to do according to my life on God’s plan, so it will happen sometime. Is there a life coaching school? I have this thing with being certified and accredited to some degree of professionalism. Maybe a life coach will mentor me at some point. Yeah, that would be awesome. I am referring to a physical person on earth. God’s an awesome coach and all, but I am in need of living books to learn from firsthand who also go with that kind of flow.

Honestly, I’d feel a lot more comfortable practicing as a Marriage and Family Therapist or a Psychologist. That was my original plan before anything else in my life happened. Yes, I was 16 when I realized I wanted to go into therapy as a profession. Heck, psychology books are what I read for fun, and given the amount of time and money I have spent in the last decade I’d say I have extensive individual job shadowing of several therapists—6 years’ worth so far, to be exact.

The title of Psychologist feels safer, more contained, predictable, & has defined legal parameters. And as I write that I then remember that too much structure and rules without enough flexibility and bending would be the death of me. I would likely end up hating it. So, Life Coaching it will be, even though I still have no clue what that would look like.

Here’s to jumping into the depths of the unknown. Wish me luck! The multitude awaits.

No Apologies: I'm Practicing Perfect-Imperfection

I am practicing living authentically from my heart. I’m realizing this means no more apologizing for experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, tendencies, or actions I've already worked through. No more. Yes, that’s right; I am choosing to practice vulnerability in speaking what is and has been true for me. My purpose in sharing such personal things is to bring light to the darkness and to be the champion I've always needed. I write about what I feel passionate about.

I am writing from my own individual experience & I am not speaking in blanket statements or in any way trying to project judgment, better than/less than mentality. If I come across that way, please message me privately so that I have a better understanding & I can clarify what it is I meant. There are times where I write or say something & may need to go back and edit the content. I am learning & practicing right alongside anyone who is reading this blog. We’re all human & there’s always room for more love because you can never have too much of it.

I know I am a teacher of a great many things. My best teaching comes from what I have learned in my own life. I hope by my sharing that others will have the courage to speak their truth to at least one other very trusted person at some point--my first one in full was a professional counselor. Shame thrives on secrecy & I’m tired of playing the shame games. The “skeletons” will be called out & may shock or surprise some people. Please know that I am not doing this to get special attention, pity, a reaction, or anything else like it. If there is judgment, leave it at the door where it belongs.

My intention is to have others learn from my experiences, whether it validates your own, speaks to your heart, calls for you to change, invites understanding & compassion, triggers discomfort or pain, or whatever else comes. Trust what comes up & trust that if there is a response that it is your body’s way of giving you information. Listen to it. The initial response will almost always be the correct response for you in that moment.

As to triggering others, many in leadership positions will bring up issues with authority. I am also usually confident and a bit of a know-it-all & that can trigger people too. I cannot help that I may or may not remind you of someone. I am willing to be a teacher, even if it means standing or holding a space that may feel uncomfortable.  I am practicing honing information into this format so as to not overwhelm the first person willing to listen to me with all of my bazillion thoughts going on (that’s been termed “puking rainbows” onto people. It’s good information, but too much at one time & for one person).

Over the years I have come to understand on a personal level that when a person is vulnerable with their "dark" experiences they are really entrusting you with their sacred and holy space. Please treat this/me with that understanding in mind.

My life experiences include: many years of sexual abuse (age 2-10) from many different people which contributed a lot to: acting out, addictions, becoming a perpetrator/abuser, co-dependent & abusive relationships, mental health concerns, PTSD, same-gender attraction, self-abuse and the like. There are also many generational patterns which contributed to the underlying beliefs. In large measure I have forgiven and let go. Forgetting is not helpful for me since the memory serves a greater purpose. It is how I remember it, if I’m relieving something or if I am working through it that makes the difference. I also know that my working through things is for the benefit of myself as well as for others. I will do my best not to give too many details & will maintain anonymity for the people involved as I firmly believe in a person’s ability to heal and change.

I have studied psychology & like-minded material for over 15 years now. I have an Associate of Arts degree from Western Nevada College in 2007. I am a licensed massage therapist & graduated from the Utah College of Massage Therapy—Lindon in August of 2011. I am trained in Emotional Release Facilitation from the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT & graduated in August of 2013. I have completed a Soul Integrity Mentorship in March of 2014 with my one of my mentor’s Staci Sadler & I am training to be certified as a Soul Integrity Mentor & an Aura Personality Consultant. I have 2 boys who keep me on my feet and are some of my greatest teachers. They have been guides and motivators over the years.

Lots of things have been on my mind lately & I know they are waiting in line to be shared outwardly in greater quantities. I visually can see the pages lining up so there is plenty more where this is coming from. Enter with care.