What My Secrets Are. So, What?

My Thoughts

In case you ever wondered, figured it out a long time ago, or would have never guessed I am bisexual. I don’t consider it my “identity” because it is not who I am. Bisexuality is just a part of my experience. I’m not hiding it anymore.

I want to make it clear that I believe that I would have same-sex attraction regardless of any earthly circumstances. I believe that it just is for me. I don’t know why my brain is wired bisexually & quite frankly I don’t understand why some people make such a big deal about it. I've heard a lot of, “God wouldn't make someone that way.” Well, have you ever noticed how many people in this world are born with diseases, disorders, deformities, and addictions? Well, God didn't make them any less valuable. There isn't a flaw in his design. This was on purpose and it has purpose.

I don’t understand it all, but I do know there is a great deal of compassion and empathy I have because of it. I love more deeply and more freely and more easily a wide variety of people because of the things I have been faced with. I don’t go around telling everyone “I have bipolar” because that’s not who I am, though I do have bipolar. I don’t go around asking people their gender identity either. Why would I? Would that information somehow change who they are? They are the same person they have always been whether you knew about a “condition” or not. There is no threat or fear in knowing someone’s secret.

The truth is God’s love is unconditional. There aren't any stipulations on who he loves. He doesn't say, “Oh. I see you are gay. I’m sorry I designed you that way. I guess you won’t get to be in Heaven with me.” Yeah, not even close. I’m tired of some cultural implications that there is something inherently wrong, bad, sinful, or unnatural about same gender attraction. Just because you don’t understand something, doesn't mean you can judge it. Some religions profess that those with “unnatural” thoughts will go to Hell, while other religions infer depending on who’s interpreting it, that you won’t make it to Heaven (It’s a passive aggressive way of saying, “You’re going to Hell.” It’s still not really nice).

"...common sense should tell us that no one would choose to be gay or lesbian. In a society where churches condemn them to hell, where they are the continuous butt of comedians' jokes and their very lives are threatened by warring fundamentalists, including mainline 'redneck' homophobics and white supremacists, why would anyone choose to be gay or lesbian? 'Coming out' simply means that a person is clear about his or her sexual orientation and has the courage to own it." --John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

My journey with same-gender attraction has been a lifelong one. It is not what I wanted and I strongly feel it is not something I would choose to have on my own account. It is what it is and there you have it.

The Beginnings *Please note that some people may be triggered by the mention of different events and experiences below. I do not go into anything close to details as they are not beneficial for anyone involved & are unnecessary to tell the story.

From an early age I was definitely a tomboy. I loved mud, toy cars, Lego, forts, playing cops & robbers, rough “boy” sports, & lots of similar things. In elementary school I was the girl who chased away boys on the playground when they were bothering other girls and I always played the dad in the dreaded playing house games. I was very protective of other girls. Most of my friends were boys though, somehow they seemed way less complex & I didn't have to bother talking about “girl stuff” with them.

By the time middle school hit, I had 1 friend who was a girl & the rest were boys. I still dressed and behaved as a tomboy & I was very chauvinistic. I had to prove that I was strong & I definitely was always on edge and on the defensive. I would get in fights with boys at school, though strangely never when a teacher was nearby. I even hit one boy on the head with a text book. Not my finest moments… Still, rumors had spread that I was gay, especially since I enjoyed spending time with our lesbian gym teachers.

My freshman year in high school a girl asked me, “Why do you only have friends that are guys?” So, then I switched to only having girls as friends. I didn't want people to even remotely think I was lesbian. No matter what school or city I was in (1 middle school & 3 different high schools) the rumor would crop up that I was gay. When I was working a co-worker once asked, “Why do you always dress like a boy?!” I don’t remember my reply. What I do remember is feeling shame and that something must have been wrong with me because people kept saying stuff like that.

I was not at all a stereotypical teenage girl.  I was being extra good with not making out with boys or doing anything close to it. I didn't date until after high school because I had no interest in “dumb boys. I didn't give a rip about anything that was popular at the time, especially not boy bands. *ick* I didn't dress anywhere near a feminine way for what our culture expects. I wore black, navy blue, and dark brown clothes most of the time and clothes that weren't a flattering fit at all. I never wore make up, unless it was a choir performance and that was because it was mandatory. I never did my hair really. It was a slicked back, gel-crusted, ponytail. I mostly wanted to not be noticed at all, to be invisible, and forgettable.

This was all an effort to keep myself protected from getting hurt sexually, physically, and emotionally. Why the protective mechanism? Well, if you haven’t read my previous post you can read it here. My first decade of childhood was filled with some physical abuse*, incest*, and other sexual abuse**. Women didn't hurt me nearly as much as men did, though I hated both genders (men more than women). I learned that no one, and no place was ever safe, not even sleeping or on vacations.

*Person is no longer living
**Non-family related person

Adulthood

I have lived most of my life in adamant denial of having any feelings or desires of same-gender attraction even as an adult and especially after admitting the truth to myself. I tried as best I could to keep it all hidden. Of course those who have a radar for that kind of thing could see me a mile away, so it obviously didn't work that well.

I had moved during college to a new place and felt like I needed to try to have guy friends again and date, after all that’s what most people were doing around me and I wanted to feel normal and fit in. I met a guy that I thought was cute and he liked my friend and asked me for advice on dating her. I was determined to be his friend and he later became my husband for about 9 years.

During those years I was really codependent in all of my relationships. I did not feel like my husband was emotionally available or connecting to me and he admitted to it later. I did what I knew and that was to find someone who needed me & would respond with some kind of interaction.

I had longed for a best friend that I could share my thoughts and feelings with. I finally found one while attending a class—I will call her Karen*. Karen and I were quick friends and spent a lot of time together. I initially didn't think much of how much time I was time and energy I was spending with her. People often told us that we looked and acted a lot like sisters & we did.

After a while a mutual friend Jenna* expressed some concern with behaviors and dynamics between Karen and me. I was shocked at what Jenna was asking and my world went spinning. My throat and heart felt like it dropped down into my stomach and it was all tight and twisted. I started to flail figuratively because someone called me out and I was not ready to admit it to myself or anyone else.

I remained friends with Karen for some time after that conversation and kept telling myself that my intentions were strictly sisterly. There was a night that stands out clearly in my mind that shocked me. Karen and I were talking in the car and we happened to look at each other (I don’t usually make a lot of eye contact, especially while having a conversation—long story) and in that moment I knew exactly what she and I were feeling on a romantic level and it scared me. Nothing happened as far as acting on the feeling goes. It was a night where I couldn't go on pretending I didn't have same-gender attraction.

I was devastated at “allowing” myself to get to that point. How could I betray everything I was taught in church? How could I deceive myself? I was reading scriptures, praying, going to church and therapy regularly, and I still couldn't stop feeling that way. I felt flawed and lost. I felt depressed and hopeless because I couldn't get it right with a guy or a girl. It was this whole damned if you do, damned if you don’t feeling. I felt stuck.

*Fictitious name used for purposes of anonymity

Brokenhearted

I was going through a tough divorce with my husband and the friendship I had with Karen was getting worse and I couldn't go on with either of them anymore. I felt like I was losing everything and everyone I loved all at the same time, and I did. It was a brutal wake-up call and has taken years to work through the patterns of codependency and the deep hurt I experienced. It was heartbreaking.

In all the lost-ness I finally had to take a good look at myself in the mirror. There were no more distractions, no one to project my shit onto, just me, all alone. I was afraid that if I talked about it people would run away from me. I thought people would think I liked them sexually because I could go either way. The truth is I’m rarely sexually attracted to another man or woman. It is not something I focus a lot on. Sure I notice someone is attractive and then I leave it at that.

Friends

I've only recently allowed myself to have female friends really close to me within the last few months, even though the other stuff happened over two years ago. I had to figure out where my ego was and if I was fishing for something more or if I genuinely was being a friend. I had to clarify my intent and why I was entering a relationship of any kind with a person. I didn't want to be ignorant or reckless anymore. My friends are a huge support and resource for me and have been so kind and loving in discussing same-gender attraction with me. They have been immensely compassionate, understanding, and accepting. It is their courage and vulnerability that inspires me to express mine.

They love and appreciate me for who I am and where I am at in my life. They hug me like any other person. When I cry they wrap their arms around me and let my tears fall on their shoulder. They listen with love and they express that they love me and what it is they love about me. Neither one of us is concerned or worried about sexual attraction. We’re just regular, everyday, awesome friends.

LDS Resources

For those who are LDS and LBGTQ there are some resources I have come across. There aren't any answers, but there is understanding, and you are definitely not alone! I hear you. I see you. I love you, just the way you are. I have cried watching many of the videos and it is close to home for me and what I have experienced. Please share my post or these resources with those you love and be mindful in your intent of doing so.

Voices of Hope

I'll Walk With You (LDS)
Sassy Song

There’s a song that goes perfectly with this that a friend of mine found. She played it for me and I laughed and cried because it spoke to me. Secrets, by Mary Lambert

No Apologies: I'm Practicing Perfect-Imperfection

I am practicing living authentically from my heart. I’m realizing this means no more apologizing for experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, tendencies, or actions I've already worked through. No more. Yes, that’s right; I am choosing to practice vulnerability in speaking what is and has been true for me. My purpose in sharing such personal things is to bring light to the darkness and to be the champion I've always needed. I write about what I feel passionate about.

I am writing from my own individual experience & I am not speaking in blanket statements or in any way trying to project judgment, better than/less than mentality. If I come across that way, please message me privately so that I have a better understanding & I can clarify what it is I meant. There are times where I write or say something & may need to go back and edit the content. I am learning & practicing right alongside anyone who is reading this blog. We’re all human & there’s always room for more love because you can never have too much of it.

I know I am a teacher of a great many things. My best teaching comes from what I have learned in my own life. I hope by my sharing that others will have the courage to speak their truth to at least one other very trusted person at some point--my first one in full was a professional counselor. Shame thrives on secrecy & I’m tired of playing the shame games. The “skeletons” will be called out & may shock or surprise some people. Please know that I am not doing this to get special attention, pity, a reaction, or anything else like it. If there is judgment, leave it at the door where it belongs.

My intention is to have others learn from my experiences, whether it validates your own, speaks to your heart, calls for you to change, invites understanding & compassion, triggers discomfort or pain, or whatever else comes. Trust what comes up & trust that if there is a response that it is your body’s way of giving you information. Listen to it. The initial response will almost always be the correct response for you in that moment.

As to triggering others, many in leadership positions will bring up issues with authority. I am also usually confident and a bit of a know-it-all & that can trigger people too. I cannot help that I may or may not remind you of someone. I am willing to be a teacher, even if it means standing or holding a space that may feel uncomfortable.  I am practicing honing information into this format so as to not overwhelm the first person willing to listen to me with all of my bazillion thoughts going on (that’s been termed “puking rainbows” onto people. It’s good information, but too much at one time & for one person).

Over the years I have come to understand on a personal level that when a person is vulnerable with their "dark" experiences they are really entrusting you with their sacred and holy space. Please treat this/me with that understanding in mind.

My life experiences include: many years of sexual abuse (age 2-10) from many different people which contributed a lot to: acting out, addictions, becoming a perpetrator/abuser, co-dependent & abusive relationships, mental health concerns, PTSD, same-gender attraction, self-abuse and the like. There are also many generational patterns which contributed to the underlying beliefs. In large measure I have forgiven and let go. Forgetting is not helpful for me since the memory serves a greater purpose. It is how I remember it, if I’m relieving something or if I am working through it that makes the difference. I also know that my working through things is for the benefit of myself as well as for others. I will do my best not to give too many details & will maintain anonymity for the people involved as I firmly believe in a person’s ability to heal and change.

I have studied psychology & like-minded material for over 15 years now. I have an Associate of Arts degree from Western Nevada College in 2007. I am a licensed massage therapist & graduated from the Utah College of Massage Therapy—Lindon in August of 2011. I am trained in Emotional Release Facilitation from the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT & graduated in August of 2013. I have completed a Soul Integrity Mentorship in March of 2014 with my one of my mentor’s Staci Sadler & I am training to be certified as a Soul Integrity Mentor & an Aura Personality Consultant. I have 2 boys who keep me on my feet and are some of my greatest teachers. They have been guides and motivators over the years.

Lots of things have been on my mind lately & I know they are waiting in line to be shared outwardly in greater quantities. I visually can see the pages lining up so there is plenty more where this is coming from. Enter with care.