It's not about the problems or the labels

I'm going to open, honest, and vulnerable here. I met with a life coach professional in regards to some "problem behaviors" I have been experiencing with a child. I have previous trauma which I feel triggered when my he/she exhibits certain behaviors. I went to the appointment knowing that it was going to be all about what I needed to change and that is exactly what happened. 

I have put this professional and her team on a bit of a pedestal and I enjoyed meeting them on a more personal level. I did a lot of listening (I’m normally a jabber mouth). We talked before, during, and after the taping. Here are some of the things I learned & interpreted from our meeting, glean from it what you will:

·         I was thanked for being personal and willing to share my experience.

·         The truth is I need to heal my own wounded inner child and continue to do that work.

·         I am too hard on myself. I have come a long way from where I was before and need to give myself credit for being an awesome mom.

·         I am very powerful.

·         I was looking at this child as a “problem” and he/she was obliging to be obedient to that belief and supported it in behaviors. He/She is not a problem and is not any of the labels. He/She is just themselves.

·         I need to stop giving attention and using words that express a “problems” focus. The negative attention reinforces the behaviors.

·         I need to stop apologizing for him/her. I use the labels when I feel uncomfortable.

·         Autism is typically a diagnosis of an extreme expression of (Earth or Metal) energy.

·         I have to stop comparing him/her to other people (or rather projecting my experiences with other people that I felt hurt by with similar energy types). He/she is not them and it is not fair to him/her for me to re-play that.

·         I have a flurry of energy and he/she is picking up on that and connecting with me through that (it feels too intense). He/she is very much grounded and naturally still and I need to be more grounded and help him/her be grounded as well.

·         I need to be direct and straightforward with him.

·         I talk too much. He/She would like it if I was more efficient with words and stop trying to make him/her talk to me.

·         He/She wants to connect with me and I am steering the ship. I’m the adult and I’m setting the stage and he/she is playing the part/role I assigned him/her (even though it’s not true to his/her nature).

·         He/She is a 9 years old. Let him/her be a kid. I know how to honor him/her and allow that space.

·         He/She could be a comedian someday.

·         I need to re-read The Child Whisperer on Type 4 energy so that I can give him the kind of attention he/she needs from me.

·         He/she needs time to be alone.

I did realize that the word “problem” holds a lot of weight for me. I grew up not wanting to be the problem child and believing that having needs was bad and thus I would be a problem. I chose to feel shame when I did not have my needs met the way I wanted them to.

I have been listening to a book called Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. From it I realize that I am reflecting the shame I learned onto my children. Most families have a scapegoat, black sheep, or problem child of some sort. This is the person that the family sets up to take the blame for the outwardly negative shame. It comes from a place of discomfort of our own feelings, or dealing with trauma and then using someone else as the distraction (so that you don’t have to draw attention to your weaknesses or face your own “problems”).

I took the place of shame called “perfectionism” and being a know-it-all. My siblings have been some of my greatest teachers and I am grateful for their. I have learned a great deal of love, compassion, and empathy with them as a part of our family. Their sacred contract with me was life changing and has shaped me into the woman I am today.

A side note about labels

Children are not cereal boxes with labels. They really are people and it's is more about what's inside the box than what we "see", albeit an illusion, on the outside. What's beneath the label. Who are they and who are we really?

Stop Labeling ChildrenUpon further reflection I realize my child is a Little Warrior who provides me with ample opportunity to take down my heart-walls. It is a knock at the door (or a pounding on the wall) as an open invitation to see beyond the reactionary shield and to be in the moment of raw emotions and experience an open heart. When I feel triggered it really is my inner child wanting to be heard. Am I listening to what she really needs? The lesson I need to learn most is within me. When I “get it” I can extend that great love and compassion to my family and those around me. Love begins with me and I am the driver of my life. I direct myself and I have the blessed opportunity to teach my children how to do that for themselves.