My Purpose: Is It All Worth It?

My heart is a bit tender this evening. As I reflect upon a few things I realize I am afraid of being all of me. I'm afraid of being amazing, big, intense, and stepping into my role as an influencer on a larger scale. God did not give me the experiences and personality I have to sit still and be quiet with. No, I am personally and intricately designed to speak my truth, to share my experiences, to teach from my heart, and to inspire transcendence of the old into the new in a very outward manner. I am a young soul and I am here to shine.

I have been resisting this truth a lot lately. I've resisted because I know stepping into my truth more fully and consistently (practicing it daily) means that I am responsible and accountable for what I do with the gifts I have been given. God is keenly aware of me and is rooting for my thriving and in fact, I agreed to uphold that part of the deal. God trusts me. The problem is I don’t allow myself to trust me. I want to get it all “right” and “perfect” and that is a shame illusion straight from the ego center.

Come with me as I process through some of the path revelations inside my head: *Some Emily-isms or Em-words do appear. So if you say to yourself, “hey that’s not a real word,” realize in my world it totally is and it counts.

Somehow I keep lying to myself about my path, calling, life purpose, etc. I am in resistance to it. The directives to my path or mission should I choose to accept them is as follows (though in no particular order)…

Write a book, or books: I cringe at the mere suggestion of multiple cohesive texts coming through me. *Barf* given the nausea, I’m betting more than one is entirely necessary at some point. Gee, thanks God. One thing is for sure, I’ll need a heck of an editor to work with all my randomness that makes sense to me, but not necessarily to most people.

Speak at conferences: Yeah, for a girl who can pretty much talk all the time I somehow have myself fooled into thinking a few things:

1. I wouldn't have anything to talk about

2. It wouldn't sound cohesive

3. I would not stay on topic

4. No one would take me seriously

5. It would be too personal or vulnerable & people could get triggered

Can you tell I have put myself in a box and pretended like I’m a cat & can’t get out of it?! Yeah, I’m not a cat though, am I? Darn. Oh, I just realized I have all sorts of judgment towards myself, lovely.

I do have the voices of several supportive friends in my head at this very moment actually laughing at the idea of my staying on one topic, and yes they have done so in real life. It is because they love and know me, and that my gifts are best served with a diversified portfolio of information. Can you imagine me with one hyper focused topic? If that’s the case, I may as well be a Cyclops with a laser piercing you to the heart. I don’t think that approach would work out very well in the long run. Duck and cover, run and hide.

Teaching: Um, what would I teach exactly? Soul Integrity at some point, though I can see where after a few years I’ll want to do something different. I ask myself, “Is it worth doing if I know I’ll end up doing something else later on?” YES. The answer is ALWAYS, “YES!” Go where the passion is. I’m all about new beginnings and learning something new. Of course my teaching would reflect my personality—duh, I already knew that.

I naturally teach all the time, though I have been learning that it is not always my job to do so. If it is not in my stewardship or clearly inspired for me to do so, I try really hard to sit on my figurative hands and keep my thoughts to myself. Not all thoughts are designed to be shared at all times, in all things, or in all places. To everything there is a season and a seasoned practice-er who listens and speaks intuitively with their heart.  

Life Coaching: This one seems to be okay since I currently feel like it is further away or ahead. If it is distanced, somehow it doesn't seem like a big deal at all and I can keep pretending. It’s like rear-view mirrors—objects in the mirror are closer than they appear. I swear that one was in my blind spot and the sun was at just the right angle & I didn't see that one coming. Yeah, still a form of denial, bummer. If I’m not careful it will hit me in the face when I’m not looking where I’m going.

What does a life coach do exactly? I’m still not sure, but it is on the menu of things to do according to my life on God’s plan, so it will happen sometime. Is there a life coaching school? I have this thing with being certified and accredited to some degree of professionalism. Maybe a life coach will mentor me at some point. Yeah, that would be awesome. I am referring to a physical person on earth. God’s an awesome coach and all, but I am in need of living books to learn from firsthand who also go with that kind of flow.

Honestly, I’d feel a lot more comfortable practicing as a Marriage and Family Therapist or a Psychologist. That was my original plan before anything else in my life happened. Yes, I was 16 when I realized I wanted to go into therapy as a profession. Heck, psychology books are what I read for fun, and given the amount of time and money I have spent in the last decade I’d say I have extensive individual job shadowing of several therapists—6 years’ worth so far, to be exact.

The title of Psychologist feels safer, more contained, predictable, & has defined legal parameters. And as I write that I then remember that too much structure and rules without enough flexibility and bending would be the death of me. I would likely end up hating it. So, Life Coaching it will be, even though I still have no clue what that would look like.

Here’s to jumping into the depths of the unknown. Wish me luck! The multitude awaits.

What My Secrets Are. So, What?

My Thoughts

In case you ever wondered, figured it out a long time ago, or would have never guessed I am bisexual. I don’t consider it my “identity” because it is not who I am. Bisexuality is just a part of my experience. I’m not hiding it anymore.

I want to make it clear that I believe that I would have same-sex attraction regardless of any earthly circumstances. I believe that it just is for me. I don’t know why my brain is wired bisexually & quite frankly I don’t understand why some people make such a big deal about it. I've heard a lot of, “God wouldn't make someone that way.” Well, have you ever noticed how many people in this world are born with diseases, disorders, deformities, and addictions? Well, God didn't make them any less valuable. There isn't a flaw in his design. This was on purpose and it has purpose.

I don’t understand it all, but I do know there is a great deal of compassion and empathy I have because of it. I love more deeply and more freely and more easily a wide variety of people because of the things I have been faced with. I don’t go around telling everyone “I have bipolar” because that’s not who I am, though I do have bipolar. I don’t go around asking people their gender identity either. Why would I? Would that information somehow change who they are? They are the same person they have always been whether you knew about a “condition” or not. There is no threat or fear in knowing someone’s secret.

The truth is God’s love is unconditional. There aren't any stipulations on who he loves. He doesn't say, “Oh. I see you are gay. I’m sorry I designed you that way. I guess you won’t get to be in Heaven with me.” Yeah, not even close. I’m tired of some cultural implications that there is something inherently wrong, bad, sinful, or unnatural about same gender attraction. Just because you don’t understand something, doesn't mean you can judge it. Some religions profess that those with “unnatural” thoughts will go to Hell, while other religions infer depending on who’s interpreting it, that you won’t make it to Heaven (It’s a passive aggressive way of saying, “You’re going to Hell.” It’s still not really nice).

"...common sense should tell us that no one would choose to be gay or lesbian. In a society where churches condemn them to hell, where they are the continuous butt of comedians' jokes and their very lives are threatened by warring fundamentalists, including mainline 'redneck' homophobics and white supremacists, why would anyone choose to be gay or lesbian? 'Coming out' simply means that a person is clear about his or her sexual orientation and has the courage to own it." --John Bradshaw, Healing the Shame that Binds You

My journey with same-gender attraction has been a lifelong one. It is not what I wanted and I strongly feel it is not something I would choose to have on my own account. It is what it is and there you have it.

The Beginnings *Please note that some people may be triggered by the mention of different events and experiences below. I do not go into anything close to details as they are not beneficial for anyone involved & are unnecessary to tell the story.

From an early age I was definitely a tomboy. I loved mud, toy cars, Lego, forts, playing cops & robbers, rough “boy” sports, & lots of similar things. In elementary school I was the girl who chased away boys on the playground when they were bothering other girls and I always played the dad in the dreaded playing house games. I was very protective of other girls. Most of my friends were boys though, somehow they seemed way less complex & I didn't have to bother talking about “girl stuff” with them.

By the time middle school hit, I had 1 friend who was a girl & the rest were boys. I still dressed and behaved as a tomboy & I was very chauvinistic. I had to prove that I was strong & I definitely was always on edge and on the defensive. I would get in fights with boys at school, though strangely never when a teacher was nearby. I even hit one boy on the head with a text book. Not my finest moments… Still, rumors had spread that I was gay, especially since I enjoyed spending time with our lesbian gym teachers.

My freshman year in high school a girl asked me, “Why do you only have friends that are guys?” So, then I switched to only having girls as friends. I didn't want people to even remotely think I was lesbian. No matter what school or city I was in (1 middle school & 3 different high schools) the rumor would crop up that I was gay. When I was working a co-worker once asked, “Why do you always dress like a boy?!” I don’t remember my reply. What I do remember is feeling shame and that something must have been wrong with me because people kept saying stuff like that.

I was not at all a stereotypical teenage girl.  I was being extra good with not making out with boys or doing anything close to it. I didn't date until after high school because I had no interest in “dumb boys. I didn't give a rip about anything that was popular at the time, especially not boy bands. *ick* I didn't dress anywhere near a feminine way for what our culture expects. I wore black, navy blue, and dark brown clothes most of the time and clothes that weren't a flattering fit at all. I never wore make up, unless it was a choir performance and that was because it was mandatory. I never did my hair really. It was a slicked back, gel-crusted, ponytail. I mostly wanted to not be noticed at all, to be invisible, and forgettable.

This was all an effort to keep myself protected from getting hurt sexually, physically, and emotionally. Why the protective mechanism? Well, if you haven’t read my previous post you can read it here. My first decade of childhood was filled with some physical abuse*, incest*, and other sexual abuse**. Women didn't hurt me nearly as much as men did, though I hated both genders (men more than women). I learned that no one, and no place was ever safe, not even sleeping or on vacations.

*Person is no longer living
**Non-family related person

Adulthood

I have lived most of my life in adamant denial of having any feelings or desires of same-gender attraction even as an adult and especially after admitting the truth to myself. I tried as best I could to keep it all hidden. Of course those who have a radar for that kind of thing could see me a mile away, so it obviously didn't work that well.

I had moved during college to a new place and felt like I needed to try to have guy friends again and date, after all that’s what most people were doing around me and I wanted to feel normal and fit in. I met a guy that I thought was cute and he liked my friend and asked me for advice on dating her. I was determined to be his friend and he later became my husband for about 9 years.

During those years I was really codependent in all of my relationships. I did not feel like my husband was emotionally available or connecting to me and he admitted to it later. I did what I knew and that was to find someone who needed me & would respond with some kind of interaction.

I had longed for a best friend that I could share my thoughts and feelings with. I finally found one while attending a class—I will call her Karen*. Karen and I were quick friends and spent a lot of time together. I initially didn't think much of how much time I was time and energy I was spending with her. People often told us that we looked and acted a lot like sisters & we did.

After a while a mutual friend Jenna* expressed some concern with behaviors and dynamics between Karen and me. I was shocked at what Jenna was asking and my world went spinning. My throat and heart felt like it dropped down into my stomach and it was all tight and twisted. I started to flail figuratively because someone called me out and I was not ready to admit it to myself or anyone else.

I remained friends with Karen for some time after that conversation and kept telling myself that my intentions were strictly sisterly. There was a night that stands out clearly in my mind that shocked me. Karen and I were talking in the car and we happened to look at each other (I don’t usually make a lot of eye contact, especially while having a conversation—long story) and in that moment I knew exactly what she and I were feeling on a romantic level and it scared me. Nothing happened as far as acting on the feeling goes. It was a night where I couldn't go on pretending I didn't have same-gender attraction.

I was devastated at “allowing” myself to get to that point. How could I betray everything I was taught in church? How could I deceive myself? I was reading scriptures, praying, going to church and therapy regularly, and I still couldn't stop feeling that way. I felt flawed and lost. I felt depressed and hopeless because I couldn't get it right with a guy or a girl. It was this whole damned if you do, damned if you don’t feeling. I felt stuck.

*Fictitious name used for purposes of anonymity

Brokenhearted

I was going through a tough divorce with my husband and the friendship I had with Karen was getting worse and I couldn't go on with either of them anymore. I felt like I was losing everything and everyone I loved all at the same time, and I did. It was a brutal wake-up call and has taken years to work through the patterns of codependency and the deep hurt I experienced. It was heartbreaking.

In all the lost-ness I finally had to take a good look at myself in the mirror. There were no more distractions, no one to project my shit onto, just me, all alone. I was afraid that if I talked about it people would run away from me. I thought people would think I liked them sexually because I could go either way. The truth is I’m rarely sexually attracted to another man or woman. It is not something I focus a lot on. Sure I notice someone is attractive and then I leave it at that.

Friends

I've only recently allowed myself to have female friends really close to me within the last few months, even though the other stuff happened over two years ago. I had to figure out where my ego was and if I was fishing for something more or if I genuinely was being a friend. I had to clarify my intent and why I was entering a relationship of any kind with a person. I didn't want to be ignorant or reckless anymore. My friends are a huge support and resource for me and have been so kind and loving in discussing same-gender attraction with me. They have been immensely compassionate, understanding, and accepting. It is their courage and vulnerability that inspires me to express mine.

They love and appreciate me for who I am and where I am at in my life. They hug me like any other person. When I cry they wrap their arms around me and let my tears fall on their shoulder. They listen with love and they express that they love me and what it is they love about me. Neither one of us is concerned or worried about sexual attraction. We’re just regular, everyday, awesome friends.

LDS Resources

For those who are LDS and LBGTQ there are some resources I have come across. There aren't any answers, but there is understanding, and you are definitely not alone! I hear you. I see you. I love you, just the way you are. I have cried watching many of the videos and it is close to home for me and what I have experienced. Please share my post or these resources with those you love and be mindful in your intent of doing so.

Voices of Hope

I'll Walk With You (LDS)
Sassy Song

There’s a song that goes perfectly with this that a friend of mine found. She played it for me and I laughed and cried because it spoke to me. Secrets, by Mary Lambert

Saying "Yes" & Saying "No": I Am the Only Star in My Show

I have done what most people don't dare to do. I have learned to say "no" to things that aren't serving me in the moment. I am practicing what it feels like to have boundaries, peace, and honoring my true self which inherently always honors others too. I am keenly aware of my tendencies, needs, and surroundings and I allow myself to be responsible for it. Not many people can say they are practicing being "in tune" with themselves on an authentic soul level.

I am saying "yes" to me and to the things that are essential and important for my individual needs. I am being accountable for myself and living with Soul Integrity. It is a beautiful thing to love myself without apologizing for it. I say "yes" to my spirit and "no" to my ego or "natural man". It's amazing really.

I have been learning to say no and yes to things as well and taking a look at what the motivation behind those decisions are. I am stepping off the Ego Train more often. I am not living for the expectations of others or the world anymore. I am allowing myself to do what I've always wanted and needed, what my soul has been yearning for and redirecting me to my whole life. I am practicing living life on purpose. I practice being aware of what truly honors me from my heart space in any given moment. Sometimes this means I say yes to things I wouldn't normally agree to (it kind of comes out before I have time to process it). Sometimes it means saying no to the supposed to's and most things that involve the word "should" (which typically can be shame based, though there are some should's that are appropriate like people should not abuse other people).

I have been told by many what I "should" do with my life and if I did it a different way I'd be happier and not struggle the way I am right now. I am serving the greater good of the whole world by listening and following what is true for me. I am finding out who is really supportive of me and who is not. I do not share my dreams, goals, and successes with non-supportive people who would likely try diminish my light because I'm mirroring something they're not comfortable with: happiness, joy, peace, success, living to the beat of my own drum, doing things that are non-traditional or "out of order" according to them, following my heart, soul, and spirit, living intuitively, honoring and serving myself first, nurturing and loving myself in only the way I can. In essence their discomfort can be a reflection of projecting their shame onto me, imposing their way is the right and/or only way, transferring their "story", feelings of better than or less than, not being enough, believing they are unlovable, that it (life) is unfair, not allowing or giving themselves permission to just "be" instead of "doing". Or it can be a reflection of the shame I hold and old limiting beliefs.

I'm okay if someone is triggered by me. I'm not responsible for how another person reacts, thinks, feels, or behaves. I'm okay that the strong emotions bring about an opportunity for everyone involved to learn and grow. It is potentially a humble and teachable moment where compassion for self and others can flourish. What I see in others, both the positive and the negative, is what I see in myself. It is not necessarily to the same extent. There may not be behavior in common, but the underlying beliefs behind it may be something that resonates on some level.

I am the only one "here". I am the only star on my individual stage and the only director I am really working with is God and I choose the parts I play. Everyone else that shows up in my life is a supporting role to help me learn about and see myself more clearly. This is true for everyone. This is why my choices truly are my own. I have the courage to be vulnerable and to share my truth. It is a beautiful thing and I love it.

*This post is in response to my friend, an amazing and talented writer among other things, Michelle Argyle's blog post, "What a World of Saying 'No' Is Like", it also shares her experience with HSP (Highly Sensitive Personality). I love her vulnerability and authenticity. It's so refreshing. While I was writing a response to her I realized that everything I was writing was really how I live my life now. I realized that I can see it so clearly in her because it is true for me. That is how this post was inspired.

**If you want to know more about living a life in Soul Integrity talk to me. I'd be happy to share with you some of my journey and where you can start your journey for yourself.

I Want to Live! Part 1: In the End it is the Beginning

Fact: Everyone who is born will someday die. Everyone who is living is technically dying. So, where does that leave us?

Let’s begin by starting at the end: seeing the “big picture” can also be called “seeing the end from the beginning”1. We are accountable for our lives. What that looks and feels like is up to you. Setting goals is a great way to be accountable to you. You can take the larger end goal and break it down into smaller achievable ones. 

What if my life goal was to feel ______? What would that look and feel like? How can I achieve that? What would you want to be said of your life? How do you want to be remembered? You can create that in your life long before you die! You don’t have to wait until you die to leave a legacy, you can manifest a living legacy now. Write down what it is you really want, believing that you already have it and voila you are on your way to the person you always dreamed of being.  

For example, years ago I was given an assignment from a professional therapist to write my own obituary and epitaph. I thought her suggestion was a bit weird, maybe morbid. Why would I want to think about dying, even though I thought that dying is what I wanted to do? She called me out on my crap and had me face it in a way that was more fun for me. It was a challenge that I hesitantly accepted.

I have changed information for anonymity of others. You can make your own headstone here. This is the final product of that conversation:

Hannah Elisabeth

December 15, 1980 – August 10, 2058

Hannah was born in Chicago, Illinois to Emma Paige Hale and Thomas Spencer Call. Hannah was the 5^th of 6 children in a bustling home. From an early age she had a great and special love for those around her. This love continued to blossom with every passing year. She truly loved to be in the service of others, especially her husband and children.

Her greatest life’s work was her beautiful family. Her two sons Derrick (Clarissa) Hart and Spencer (Marissa) Hart survive her. At a young age, Emily stated, “I want to grow up and be a sweet Grandma.” She lived to fulfill that goal and dream.

Emily married her 1^st husband, Matthew Hart on July 23, 2003 in Oakland, California. She later married her 2^nd husband, John Nelson on June 12, 2015 in Austin, Texas. Her sweet, late husband passed away on May 1, 2053.

While her body and spirit have been separated for a time, her legacy of love lives on in the hearts of all those whom she touched. She was devoted to God, her family, her church, and many service professions. She worked as a massage therapist and a counselor to thousands. Hannah truly had a pioneering spirit and always wanted to learn ways to improve herself and increase her understanding and relationship with the Lord.

Her great love was learned through many steep trials. She stands as an ever-faithful witness of Jesus Christ. She was and is an example to all of the Lord’s love for each of us and of the hope and healing that can come through the Atonement. Her testimony lives on in the hearts of those who have had the privilege of sharing a part of their lives with her. She will be greatly missed and will surely be anxiously awaiting our return as well.

Every day is a gift and today I choose to live. I live a legacy of peace and love because I am peace and I am love. I do this by loving myself and magnifying God through gifts I have the privilege of exercising. I live true to who I am and I live wholeheartedly. I take daily inventory to evaluate my progress and areas of weakness. I determine to be a little better each day. I look at my part in things and accept the consequences. I learn from my mistakes so that they can be made strengths. I allow God to soften my heart to all that is in store for me.

I know that even after I die I am still alive. I am alive in the energy which is always present and I am alive in the hearts of those who will remember me. 

What will your living legacy be? For it is in the end that we have a new beginning. 

The Dark of the Night: Suicide and Depression through My Eyes

For additional clarification & a preface please read my previous post here.

I have been sitting on writing about this topic of suicide and depression for over a month & the time has come for me to speak up. I share my experiences so that others can learn what they will from it: whether it’s the fact that they are not alone, that there’s help, that there’s hope, or something else entirely. This is part of my “story”. I am not my story, though I recognize that I am not my experiences either. Rather the stories & experiences I share are what I have learned on a personal level. Please do not judge yourself or others based on my experiences. Everyone is different & there’s always a spectrum. We all do the best we can with what we have. We need not compare them, yet we can have an increase of love, compassion, and awareness and that will change your world from the inside out because of them. I am fairly direct & there is the possibility that you may be triggered by some of what I’m about to share. 

I have a long line of generational mental illness, trauma and abuse, addictions, and patterns of codependency. At an early age I distinctly remember not wanting to be “here” anymore: physically non-existent, emotionally detached and disconnected, numb.

One of my first instances of going away & wanting to stay away was when I was 15 months old. I had floaties on my arms that were not blown up yet. The story goes that I jumped into the deep end of the swimming pool and I sank down to the bottom like a little rock. The part I remember is laying on the ground with the lifeguard over me. I was disconnected from my body & I was talking to someone in the spiritual realm. I was told that I needed to go back because my work wasn't done & I was annoyed that I would have to come back to earth and be in my body and feel pain. When I came to I was yelled at by my Grandmother for not listening or knowing the rules. Being alive didn't seem so great with that reception.

At two years old I was being sexually abused*. Further abuse happened with different people outside of my home from the time I was 6 years old until I was 10. The abuse in those years was fairly regular & was with multiple people of both genders, ages, and in various settings and group sizing from 1 to 6 or so people. It was here that I was exposed to huge amounts of pornography, self-abusing behaviors, increasing the circle of abuse by including other children, and performed and received sexual acts: that is what I was being taught. For a few years I kept everything shoved inside. No one really knew what was going on, especially my family. I was shy in public, but at home I was a motor mouth & seemed like my usual self.

*Person is no longer living

Addiction and acting out fully set in from the ages of 14 to 18. It was an old habit. Along the way I had associated abuse of self & others as a way of expressing or communicating what I thought love was. At 16 years old I hit rock bottom. I was very depressed & slept erratically. Addictions were hidden quite well & I felt like I was leading a double life. I had so much pain inside & I didn't know what to do with it all. It was at the lowest point of deep shame that I acted out more.

I felt horrible & sick to my stomach. It was awful. Acting out is always a cry for help on some level & no one else to my knowledge knew any of my secrets. I knew I needed therapy & some kind of medical treatment. I didn't ask for any because that would mean I would have to tell someone why I needed help & I couldn't do that yet. I couldn't bear the thought that I did that & that I had become an abuser. I wanted to do everyone a favor and eliminate the potential threat I was to the world.

So, one day I was all alone and I was sitting there eating an apple with a paring knife on the couch. I had the knife to my forearm and was trying to muster up enough nerve to cut myself already and get it over with. As the knife touched my skin I froze. It was a voice from heaven speaking to me directly, a guardian angel I’m sure. It said, “Emily. This isn't about you and killing yourself won’t solve your problems. It won’t make it easier for anyone else. Your posterity is depending on you to be here. They need you.” That phrase has come to mind many times after that incidence. It changed my life.

This wasn't the last time I seriously considered suicide. No, the struggle with it at times still rages on.

All throughout my marriage I had a lot of deep depression. I was barely functional and that was normal for me then. I had children & looking back I now realize that I had postpartum psychosis & that I should not have been left alone with my children. I felt like an unfit mother and continued in numbness and disconnection. It wasn't until a few years in that I realized how bad I was. I sounded like a screaming banshee with my children. Many days I would yell, cry, and scream sometimes to the point of breaking blood vessels. I studied all the parenting books I could get my hands on, I read lots of spiritually uplifting material, and I felt like I prayed & prayed to have a change of heart and that I could somehow love my children. After months of trying to treat myself & beating myself up for not being a natural at it I finally sought help through a professional counselor for several months.

The initial diagnosis was that of ADHD & I was in counseling & visiting my doctor regularly. I got on medication & it seemed to help, but not enough. A year or two went by and I did the best I could with what I had to work with.

I was depressed everyday & again hardly functioning. My marriage was barely staying together. I was disconnected & did not do a lot around the house. I went to work & came home & expected my husband to do everything else. At that point waking up & going through the motions was all I had to give & it wasn't enough for my husband. He was tired of the 7 years that I spent depressed & nothing looked like it was changing any time soon.

At that point I was feeling a lot of things built up inside, more than what I could handle on my own. I wanted to take some preventative measures so I put myself in group therapy & back in individual counseling. My doctor & I discussed perhaps trying a different set of medications. I found a lot that didn't work (including one that made me really suicidal—showering alone wasn't even safe. I had to leave the bathroom door unlocked & take one while my husband was home) & finally found one that worked well for me. Having that medication that worked was the first time in my life that I felt genuinely happy simply because I existed. It was as if a fog had cleared & I could see that I needed to change. Medication opened up so many things for me because I could finally cope well enough to do the work of getting through the crappy stuff to find the nuggets of gold in it all. I was finally able to change for myself and for the better.

That’s when crap hit the fan in a really big way. My marriage was actually falling apart more than I thought & my husband wanted a divorce. I was crushed and my world was spinning. How could this happen after all this work I've done? The things he complained about for 7 years were no longer relevant because I had changed in an intense year & a half. I thought something had to be wrong with me. Life as I knew it felt like it was over. How could I move forward when I thought I was doing so well? Nothing made sense anymore.

I cried myself to sleep a lot, had panic attacks, and yes, suicide was consistently entertained as a way out of all of it to end the suffering. Thankfully I had a huge support network in place with family, friends, doctors, and counselors. Even with all the love I had I still felt completely alone and like I was in a dark cave. I rarely told people my deepest feelings of not wanting to exist. I didn't want the speech. What I wanted and needed was someone to genuinely listen to me & validate what I was feeling & not dismiss it. I’m not one to seek outward attention in this format.

Medication helped with the chemical imbalances, counseling helped significantly to equip me with tools to cope, and yet after years of combined therapy, I still consistently wanted to stop existing. We narrowed it down to calling it for what it was, “suicidal thoughts, ideations, and tendencies.” I was able to get to the point of awareness that if I attempted suicide I would most likely end up “failing” because I knew I had work on the earth to complete. That knowledge did nothing to change me wanting to stop existing.

I figured if I tried & failed, I would end up living worse off than where I was. I honestly thought, “If I tried a car accident I would probably get paralyzed & then what would I do? If I took pills I’d pass out & get my stomach pumped & then have all these hospital bills. How would I pay for that? If I cut myself, I’d probably bleed & need a blood transfusion, at least then I’d get a break in the hospital for a little while. But how would I pay for that if I survived?” I debated lying about being suicidal just to get checked in. I was consumed and overwhelmed by daily demands of family and home. I wanted out & I considered physically doing so. I knew I’d feel guilty if I up & walked out on my children & leave everything behind, then I really couldn't live with myself if I did do that. There was no amount of “reasoning” that made life better for me. As practical of a suicidal person I was, it scared me.

So, what changed for me? Why am I still here today?

I kept up my support network of multiple therapies which included changing some lifestyle habits. Some of the biggest changes came when I faced my trapped inner demons. There was a lot of trauma I still needed to work through & I knew I needed to head in the direction of being able to help other people with their own demons. My counselor mentioned a place called The Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT (IHA). It intrigued me. I went for a visit & got an appointment set up for a session. That set in motion so many things. I found another type of therapy filled with even more tools to help me work through the crap that happened. This was the work of championing my inner child.

I spent a year working with my inner child & that of my fellow classmates & clients. Each experience was healing on such a deep level. I started seeing the dysfunctional patterns & beliefs I held about life: Life is hard; we’re all going to die anyways, so why not be ready for when it happens; I am being punished for being alive; life is painful; I was only born for my body to be used, so I’m useless, & on and on it went.

The depression was prevalent during most of my time at IHA. I remember a fellow student coming out of some of her depression. She mentioned that anger is actually a higher state of functioning than shame. She said she had moved out of a lot of the shame & was now working through a lot of the anger. I could see the change in her. I wanted what she had. I knew that if she could have that change of heart, then so could I, seeing her work through it gave me courage and permission to live my truth in my own way.

There came a time when my instructor kept telling me to pay attention to what I was saying & that my words created my reality. Frequently what I was creating was a life of misery & endless woe. (For more specific examples please see this post on the power of our words.) No, I don’t blame Satan for planting those thoughts & I don’t blame myself for thinking/feeling them. I do take accountability for what I do have control over. I cannot control my brain chemistry. I can manage it as best I can & do the best with what I have.

On one occasion was when I was going through my second divorce (I married the same man twice & that’s a completely different story), was forced to quit a job due to sexual harassment, got fired from the next job for theft that I still have no idea how I “committed”, and had a “friend” wake me up at 1:30 am to call me a liar & threaten to report me to the licensing board. I was trying my best to get through things one day at a time. I felt like I was treading water in a cave with only a small air bubble to pull strength from. This was another really low place in my life. I cried & cried & called another friend who came over at 2 am to help me breathe and sort things out. She was my earthly angel that night. She looked me in the eyes and told me that I wanted to live.

From that point on whenever I begin obsessing over wanting to die I verbally /audibly tell myself with fervor and resolve, “Emily, you want to live! I see you! I know you! You are needed here right now!”

Suicidal thoughts for me are really a signal & symptom to something much deeper happening at the core. With the chemical imbalance mostly stable I realize that the rest is for me to work on. I have come to the understanding that I don’t really want to die. I now understand that what I’m really thinking and feeling is that whatever experience I am facing it appears to be so overwhelming & I wish I didn't have to deal with it anymore. It’s uncomfortable & yet it is a feeling that eventually fades away.

Even with all my proactive work, I still struggle at times. The depression I deal with now is less severe with the suicidal thoughts a lot less often. The work did not “get rid of the problem”, but it has helped me to see it differently. Problems aren't to get rid of; rather they are opportunities to find ourselves through them. It can be a process of refinement.

Please know that I actively work on wanting to live life & not just exist, survive, or get through another day. Some days are better than others. I am learning to practice what I feel living in a thriving and prosperous way means to me.  

When I have those down days I check in with myself & usually a trusted support person. I look at potential causes of the depression/suicide feelings I’m having. I see if there are perhaps sleep & nutrition deficiencies (there usually are for me & it’s one of my biggest contributing factors). I see if I need to work through some old personal crap that’s unpleasant & that my old patterning wants me to shove, ignore, numb, and hide deep inside filled with shame. I see if I need to spend some time with nature. I see if I need time alone to process. I see if I need time to socialize. I see if I need time to love, embrace, and nurture myself. It has taken over 25 years for me to get to this point of awareness.

If you feel the inclination to judge either yourself or someone else I suggest you stop right there. There is no judgment for experiences. I do not see someone as the label of “suicidal” because that is not at all who they are. They are a person who needs love and understanding & to find out whom they really are and what they have to offer. They need to see from their own eyes and heart the love they have for themselves. When I learned to love myself I could then be free to live the way I needed to.  

Healing from such deep wounds can take a lifetime to recover from. This is a daily process and a practice for me. I wish I could say I’d never think another death thought again or that I’ll never ever consider doing something to harm myself. That’s not realistic for me. What I can say is that I promise to pay better attention to my emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental needs so that I don’t dwell in depression land longer than is necessary for my learning.

Suicide & depression have taught me more about patience, trust, faith, healing, recovery, and the need for each other, my desires to be more connected to myself and those around me, and look at someone’s heart amid all the “darkness” and find the light within them.  I see light more easily because I have known the dark of the night.

No Apologies: I'm Practicing Perfect-Imperfection

I am practicing living authentically from my heart. I’m realizing this means no more apologizing for experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, tendencies, or actions I've already worked through. No more. Yes, that’s right; I am choosing to practice vulnerability in speaking what is and has been true for me. My purpose in sharing such personal things is to bring light to the darkness and to be the champion I've always needed. I write about what I feel passionate about.

I am writing from my own individual experience & I am not speaking in blanket statements or in any way trying to project judgment, better than/less than mentality. If I come across that way, please message me privately so that I have a better understanding & I can clarify what it is I meant. There are times where I write or say something & may need to go back and edit the content. I am learning & practicing right alongside anyone who is reading this blog. We’re all human & there’s always room for more love because you can never have too much of it.

I know I am a teacher of a great many things. My best teaching comes from what I have learned in my own life. I hope by my sharing that others will have the courage to speak their truth to at least one other very trusted person at some point--my first one in full was a professional counselor. Shame thrives on secrecy & I’m tired of playing the shame games. The “skeletons” will be called out & may shock or surprise some people. Please know that I am not doing this to get special attention, pity, a reaction, or anything else like it. If there is judgment, leave it at the door where it belongs.

My intention is to have others learn from my experiences, whether it validates your own, speaks to your heart, calls for you to change, invites understanding & compassion, triggers discomfort or pain, or whatever else comes. Trust what comes up & trust that if there is a response that it is your body’s way of giving you information. Listen to it. The initial response will almost always be the correct response for you in that moment.

As to triggering others, many in leadership positions will bring up issues with authority. I am also usually confident and a bit of a know-it-all & that can trigger people too. I cannot help that I may or may not remind you of someone. I am willing to be a teacher, even if it means standing or holding a space that may feel uncomfortable.  I am practicing honing information into this format so as to not overwhelm the first person willing to listen to me with all of my bazillion thoughts going on (that’s been termed “puking rainbows” onto people. It’s good information, but too much at one time & for one person).

Over the years I have come to understand on a personal level that when a person is vulnerable with their "dark" experiences they are really entrusting you with their sacred and holy space. Please treat this/me with that understanding in mind.

My life experiences include: many years of sexual abuse (age 2-10) from many different people which contributed a lot to: acting out, addictions, becoming a perpetrator/abuser, co-dependent & abusive relationships, mental health concerns, PTSD, same-gender attraction, self-abuse and the like. There are also many generational patterns which contributed to the underlying beliefs. In large measure I have forgiven and let go. Forgetting is not helpful for me since the memory serves a greater purpose. It is how I remember it, if I’m relieving something or if I am working through it that makes the difference. I also know that my working through things is for the benefit of myself as well as for others. I will do my best not to give too many details & will maintain anonymity for the people involved as I firmly believe in a person’s ability to heal and change.

I have studied psychology & like-minded material for over 15 years now. I have an Associate of Arts degree from Western Nevada College in 2007. I am a licensed massage therapist & graduated from the Utah College of Massage Therapy—Lindon in August of 2011. I am trained in Emotional Release Facilitation from the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT & graduated in August of 2013. I have completed a Soul Integrity Mentorship in March of 2014 with my one of my mentor’s Staci Sadler & I am training to be certified as a Soul Integrity Mentor & an Aura Personality Consultant. I have 2 boys who keep me on my feet and are some of my greatest teachers. They have been guides and motivators over the years.

Lots of things have been on my mind lately & I know they are waiting in line to be shared outwardly in greater quantities. I visually can see the pages lining up so there is plenty more where this is coming from. Enter with care.

No One is Broken: 33 + Things I Know For Sure

There are many truths which I hold self-evident and one of them is that we are whole and no one is ever really broken. Yes, it is true we may feel broken beyond repair, yet that is an illusion and an ego-driven choice in an attempt to protect us from perceived emanate danger. I used to believe that because of life experiences of abuse that that meant that there must have been something inherently wrong with me or that I was wrong or deserving of it. This translated to deep feelings of shame for the simple fact that I existed. I am still working through elements of these beliefs. 

Recently I have come to love the word Atonement a lot more referring to it as At-One-Ment. It is becoming one with the divine within me. God is in me & I am in him. The Greek roots of the word “Atonement” comes from two parts. “A-,” meaning without or lacking (similar to the use in atypical); and “-Tomein,” meaning to divide or split (from the same root as “atom,” implying that it cannot be split). Thus the Atonement is the process of becoming indivisible. With this truth there is nothing that can ever separate us. I know that if I can come from darkness into light through the Atonement, then so can others. These are truths which I have learned through the fiery furnace of affliction:

1. There is no need to fear the darkness because I am in it & I am an infinite being of light. Everyone has some measure of light within them and because I know who I am, I shine bright as the stars.
2. It is in the depths of despair and in the gall of bitterness that I have witnessed sacred miracles. These miracles happened from the inside out.
3. I am not “my” stories, feelings, fears, emotions, career, relationship status, gender, age, nationality or race, religion, experiences, ego, etc.
4. Beneath the entire “story” I know for a surety that I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect.
5. There is a plan for me. There is always a plan for me. It is messy, chaotic feeling, surprising, challenging, rewarding, exhausting, and rejuvenating.
6. God’s got my back. He will never abandon me & he’s always there to support me.
7. Imperfection is the practice of perfection. It’s okay to mess up, make mistakes, and feel like I am failing miserably because that is how I learn, grow, and become stronger.
8. God knows me. He knows my path. He knows me by name and every intimate detail of my life. He knows what I am capable of and who I am.
9. God loves me passionately!
10. God blesses me beyond comprehensible measure.
11. I am innocent and pure and undefiled. Though I thought I was broken, dirty, used, ugly and abused, the truth is that no one can ever give or take any of that from me. No, not one! I am whole, complete, and finished exactly the way I am. I was born with that truth and I will die with that truth.
12. I am powerful beyond measure. (*Marianne Williamson)
13. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. (*Eleanor Roosevelt)
14. There was not anything I did to deserve to be treated in such a brutal or manipulative manner, never.
15. No one has earned the suffering of abuse. Yes, it happens, but I am not responsible for the actions of another.
16. I have done the best I could with what I had and that is good enough.
17. I realized that I am only responsible for myself and that codependency is suffocating and unhealthy.
18. I champion the cause of healthy relationships, most importantly with myself. For it is in self-relationship that my best work is performed.
19. I am my own best investment.
20. Worlds are changed and created. When I love myself opportunities will unfold, and I will be overflowing with love from others because I am open to receiving it at long last.
21. I stand as a guardian and a guide.
22. I have the ability to see beyond the lies and to release the inner fetters of my heart.
23. The pain of hell will be transformed in to the promised peace of heaven on earth.
24. I have the power to choose how I will respond and ultimately the course or path I will follow. –This is lots of practice by the way.
25. Freedom is a choice and it is a process.
26. I can ride the wave of emotion and there is no judgment for it.
27. I am known. I am seen. I am needed.
28. Failure is not an option because there is always something to learn.
29. I choose life. Life is always the best choice for me.
30. There came a point in time when I woke up from the darkness more than I ever thought possible. The days of crippling numbness dissipated. I realized that I wanted to change for myself regardless of what anyone else thought. I began to feel again, express emotions, feel joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. I realized that I can be happy regardless of whatever else is going on around me.
31. It is out of the darkness that we truly come to the greatest light. Contrast is essential. Because as Martin Luther King Jr. said, “God makes a way where there is no way. When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnight's let us remember that… [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays in to bright tomorrows.”
32. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!
33. No one is broken (see the beginning). 

I am at the point where I can share things of my past quite openly. At times it seems like those experiences were someone else’s. From the depths of despair God hath redeemed my soul from a living hell and has transformed my pain into promise and my hell into heaven. I now transcend painful experiences into positive passion and self-love. My darkest days of sexual abuse, addictions, codependency, abandonment, suicidal thinking, and self-hatred have been redeemed because I am willing to learn, grow, and let go.

In large measure though, greater than I ever thought possible or imaginable, I have found healing from within. Over the years I have slowly been quickened in my understanding and thirst for relief from suffering. I have found that Christ truly is the living water from which I can always draw strength from.

My life stands as a witness of health, hope, and healing. I have become new, clean, and born again. I stand worthy in my imperfections to stand in the presence of God and his angels. I am light. I am life. I am a warrior of love. Wholeness that was always present from before my birth is a viewpoint which has been restored.

This poem I wrote sums up the process quite beautifully.

Wholeness Restored

Broken no more

Never broken before

What once was?

Is now, no more

God mended and

Strengthened the

Weak and worn

Gave hope to desolation

Health to the heart

And through the mind

Light to the Spirit,

And Soul, in kind

The Eternal Truth

Has been restored in

Virtue, Wisdom

And the Word

I think I can.

I believe I can.
I will.

And I am.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE?My friend asked a question in conjunction with a blog post of her own "Untouched". Her question was, "Are our souls intact and untouched from this life, or can an immortal soul be damaged? Can anything be healed or are some pains doomed to haunt and scar us forever?"

My post is in response to that question posed separately from the post. I realize that there is so much more that can be written in response to her questions & I'm barely scratching the surface with my response. Please add your own on both of our blogs. I love the expanse of learning from one another.

It's not about the problems or the labels

I'm going to open, honest, and vulnerable here. I met with a life coach professional in regards to some "problem behaviors" I have been experiencing with a child. I have previous trauma which I feel triggered when my he/she exhibits certain behaviors. I went to the appointment knowing that it was going to be all about what I needed to change and that is exactly what happened. 

I have put this professional and her team on a bit of a pedestal and I enjoyed meeting them on a more personal level. I did a lot of listening (I’m normally a jabber mouth). We talked before, during, and after the taping. Here are some of the things I learned & interpreted from our meeting, glean from it what you will:

·         I was thanked for being personal and willing to share my experience.

·         The truth is I need to heal my own wounded inner child and continue to do that work.

·         I am too hard on myself. I have come a long way from where I was before and need to give myself credit for being an awesome mom.

·         I am very powerful.

·         I was looking at this child as a “problem” and he/she was obliging to be obedient to that belief and supported it in behaviors. He/She is not a problem and is not any of the labels. He/She is just themselves.

·         I need to stop giving attention and using words that express a “problems” focus. The negative attention reinforces the behaviors.

·         I need to stop apologizing for him/her. I use the labels when I feel uncomfortable.

·         Autism is typically a diagnosis of an extreme expression of (Earth or Metal) energy.

·         I have to stop comparing him/her to other people (or rather projecting my experiences with other people that I felt hurt by with similar energy types). He/she is not them and it is not fair to him/her for me to re-play that.

·         I have a flurry of energy and he/she is picking up on that and connecting with me through that (it feels too intense). He/she is very much grounded and naturally still and I need to be more grounded and help him/her be grounded as well.

·         I need to be direct and straightforward with him.

·         I talk too much. He/She would like it if I was more efficient with words and stop trying to make him/her talk to me.

·         He/She wants to connect with me and I am steering the ship. I’m the adult and I’m setting the stage and he/she is playing the part/role I assigned him/her (even though it’s not true to his/her nature).

·         He/She is a 9 years old. Let him/her be a kid. I know how to honor him/her and allow that space.

·         He/She could be a comedian someday.

·         I need to re-read The Child Whisperer on Type 4 energy so that I can give him the kind of attention he/she needs from me.

·         He/she needs time to be alone.

I did realize that the word “problem” holds a lot of weight for me. I grew up not wanting to be the problem child and believing that having needs was bad and thus I would be a problem. I chose to feel shame when I did not have my needs met the way I wanted them to.

I have been listening to a book called Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. From it I realize that I am reflecting the shame I learned onto my children. Most families have a scapegoat, black sheep, or problem child of some sort. This is the person that the family sets up to take the blame for the outwardly negative shame. It comes from a place of discomfort of our own feelings, or dealing with trauma and then using someone else as the distraction (so that you don’t have to draw attention to your weaknesses or face your own “problems”).

I took the place of shame called “perfectionism” and being a know-it-all. My siblings have been some of my greatest teachers and I am grateful for their. I have learned a great deal of love, compassion, and empathy with them as a part of our family. Their sacred contract with me was life changing and has shaped me into the woman I am today.

A side note about labels

Children are not cereal boxes with labels. They really are people and it's is more about what's inside the box than what we "see", albeit an illusion, on the outside. What's beneath the label. Who are they and who are we really?

Stop Labeling ChildrenUpon further reflection I realize my child is a Little Warrior who provides me with ample opportunity to take down my heart-walls. It is a knock at the door (or a pounding on the wall) as an open invitation to see beyond the reactionary shield and to be in the moment of raw emotions and experience an open heart. When I feel triggered it really is my inner child wanting to be heard. Am I listening to what she really needs? The lesson I need to learn most is within me. When I “get it” I can extend that great love and compassion to my family and those around me. Love begins with me and I am the driver of my life. I direct myself and I have the blessed opportunity to teach my children how to do that for themselves.