Saying "Yes" & Saying "No": I Am the Only Star in My Show

I have done what most people don't dare to do. I have learned to say "no" to things that aren't serving me in the moment. I am practicing what it feels like to have boundaries, peace, and honoring my true self which inherently always honors others too. I am keenly aware of my tendencies, needs, and surroundings and I allow myself to be responsible for it. Not many people can say they are practicing being "in tune" with themselves on an authentic soul level.

I am saying "yes" to me and to the things that are essential and important for my individual needs. I am being accountable for myself and living with Soul Integrity. It is a beautiful thing to love myself without apologizing for it. I say "yes" to my spirit and "no" to my ego or "natural man". It's amazing really.

I have been learning to say no and yes to things as well and taking a look at what the motivation behind those decisions are. I am stepping off the Ego Train more often. I am not living for the expectations of others or the world anymore. I am allowing myself to do what I've always wanted and needed, what my soul has been yearning for and redirecting me to my whole life. I am practicing living life on purpose. I practice being aware of what truly honors me from my heart space in any given moment. Sometimes this means I say yes to things I wouldn't normally agree to (it kind of comes out before I have time to process it). Sometimes it means saying no to the supposed to's and most things that involve the word "should" (which typically can be shame based, though there are some should's that are appropriate like people should not abuse other people).

I have been told by many what I "should" do with my life and if I did it a different way I'd be happier and not struggle the way I am right now. I am serving the greater good of the whole world by listening and following what is true for me. I am finding out who is really supportive of me and who is not. I do not share my dreams, goals, and successes with non-supportive people who would likely try diminish my light because I'm mirroring something they're not comfortable with: happiness, joy, peace, success, living to the beat of my own drum, doing things that are non-traditional or "out of order" according to them, following my heart, soul, and spirit, living intuitively, honoring and serving myself first, nurturing and loving myself in only the way I can. In essence their discomfort can be a reflection of projecting their shame onto me, imposing their way is the right and/or only way, transferring their "story", feelings of better than or less than, not being enough, believing they are unlovable, that it (life) is unfair, not allowing or giving themselves permission to just "be" instead of "doing". Or it can be a reflection of the shame I hold and old limiting beliefs.

I'm okay if someone is triggered by me. I'm not responsible for how another person reacts, thinks, feels, or behaves. I'm okay that the strong emotions bring about an opportunity for everyone involved to learn and grow. It is potentially a humble and teachable moment where compassion for self and others can flourish. What I see in others, both the positive and the negative, is what I see in myself. It is not necessarily to the same extent. There may not be behavior in common, but the underlying beliefs behind it may be something that resonates on some level.

I am the only one "here". I am the only star on my individual stage and the only director I am really working with is God and I choose the parts I play. Everyone else that shows up in my life is a supporting role to help me learn about and see myself more clearly. This is true for everyone. This is why my choices truly are my own. I have the courage to be vulnerable and to share my truth. It is a beautiful thing and I love it.

*This post is in response to my friend, an amazing and talented writer among other things, Michelle Argyle's blog post, "What a World of Saying 'No' Is Like", it also shares her experience with HSP (Highly Sensitive Personality). I love her vulnerability and authenticity. It's so refreshing. While I was writing a response to her I realized that everything I was writing was really how I live my life now. I realized that I can see it so clearly in her because it is true for me. That is how this post was inspired.

**If you want to know more about living a life in Soul Integrity talk to me. I'd be happy to share with you some of my journey and where you can start your journey for yourself.

I Want to Live! Part 1: In the End it is the Beginning

Fact: Everyone who is born will someday die. Everyone who is living is technically dying. So, where does that leave us?

Let’s begin by starting at the end: seeing the “big picture” can also be called “seeing the end from the beginning”1. We are accountable for our lives. What that looks and feels like is up to you. Setting goals is a great way to be accountable to you. You can take the larger end goal and break it down into smaller achievable ones. 

What if my life goal was to feel ______? What would that look and feel like? How can I achieve that? What would you want to be said of your life? How do you want to be remembered? You can create that in your life long before you die! You don’t have to wait until you die to leave a legacy, you can manifest a living legacy now. Write down what it is you really want, believing that you already have it and voila you are on your way to the person you always dreamed of being.  

For example, years ago I was given an assignment from a professional therapist to write my own obituary and epitaph. I thought her suggestion was a bit weird, maybe morbid. Why would I want to think about dying, even though I thought that dying is what I wanted to do? She called me out on my crap and had me face it in a way that was more fun for me. It was a challenge that I hesitantly accepted.

I have changed information for anonymity of others. You can make your own headstone here. This is the final product of that conversation:

Hannah Elisabeth

December 15, 1980 – August 10, 2058

Hannah was born in Chicago, Illinois to Emma Paige Hale and Thomas Spencer Call. Hannah was the 5^th of 6 children in a bustling home. From an early age she had a great and special love for those around her. This love continued to blossom with every passing year. She truly loved to be in the service of others, especially her husband and children.

Her greatest life’s work was her beautiful family. Her two sons Derrick (Clarissa) Hart and Spencer (Marissa) Hart survive her. At a young age, Emily stated, “I want to grow up and be a sweet Grandma.” She lived to fulfill that goal and dream.

Emily married her 1^st husband, Matthew Hart on July 23, 2003 in Oakland, California. She later married her 2^nd husband, John Nelson on June 12, 2015 in Austin, Texas. Her sweet, late husband passed away on May 1, 2053.

While her body and spirit have been separated for a time, her legacy of love lives on in the hearts of all those whom she touched. She was devoted to God, her family, her church, and many service professions. She worked as a massage therapist and a counselor to thousands. Hannah truly had a pioneering spirit and always wanted to learn ways to improve herself and increase her understanding and relationship with the Lord.

Her great love was learned through many steep trials. She stands as an ever-faithful witness of Jesus Christ. She was and is an example to all of the Lord’s love for each of us and of the hope and healing that can come through the Atonement. Her testimony lives on in the hearts of those who have had the privilege of sharing a part of their lives with her. She will be greatly missed and will surely be anxiously awaiting our return as well.

Every day is a gift and today I choose to live. I live a legacy of peace and love because I am peace and I am love. I do this by loving myself and magnifying God through gifts I have the privilege of exercising. I live true to who I am and I live wholeheartedly. I take daily inventory to evaluate my progress and areas of weakness. I determine to be a little better each day. I look at my part in things and accept the consequences. I learn from my mistakes so that they can be made strengths. I allow God to soften my heart to all that is in store for me.

I know that even after I die I am still alive. I am alive in the energy which is always present and I am alive in the hearts of those who will remember me. 

What will your living legacy be? For it is in the end that we have a new beginning. 

The Dark of the Night: Suicide and Depression through My Eyes

For additional clarification & a preface please read my previous post here.

I have been sitting on writing about this topic of suicide and depression for over a month & the time has come for me to speak up. I share my experiences so that others can learn what they will from it: whether it’s the fact that they are not alone, that there’s help, that there’s hope, or something else entirely. This is part of my “story”. I am not my story, though I recognize that I am not my experiences either. Rather the stories & experiences I share are what I have learned on a personal level. Please do not judge yourself or others based on my experiences. Everyone is different & there’s always a spectrum. We all do the best we can with what we have. We need not compare them, yet we can have an increase of love, compassion, and awareness and that will change your world from the inside out because of them. I am fairly direct & there is the possibility that you may be triggered by some of what I’m about to share. 

I have a long line of generational mental illness, trauma and abuse, addictions, and patterns of codependency. At an early age I distinctly remember not wanting to be “here” anymore: physically non-existent, emotionally detached and disconnected, numb.

One of my first instances of going away & wanting to stay away was when I was 15 months old. I had floaties on my arms that were not blown up yet. The story goes that I jumped into the deep end of the swimming pool and I sank down to the bottom like a little rock. The part I remember is laying on the ground with the lifeguard over me. I was disconnected from my body & I was talking to someone in the spiritual realm. I was told that I needed to go back because my work wasn't done & I was annoyed that I would have to come back to earth and be in my body and feel pain. When I came to I was yelled at by my Grandmother for not listening or knowing the rules. Being alive didn't seem so great with that reception.

At two years old I was being sexually abused*. Further abuse happened with different people outside of my home from the time I was 6 years old until I was 10. The abuse in those years was fairly regular & was with multiple people of both genders, ages, and in various settings and group sizing from 1 to 6 or so people. It was here that I was exposed to huge amounts of pornography, self-abusing behaviors, increasing the circle of abuse by including other children, and performed and received sexual acts: that is what I was being taught. For a few years I kept everything shoved inside. No one really knew what was going on, especially my family. I was shy in public, but at home I was a motor mouth & seemed like my usual self.

*Person is no longer living

Addiction and acting out fully set in from the ages of 14 to 18. It was an old habit. Along the way I had associated abuse of self & others as a way of expressing or communicating what I thought love was. At 16 years old I hit rock bottom. I was very depressed & slept erratically. Addictions were hidden quite well & I felt like I was leading a double life. I had so much pain inside & I didn't know what to do with it all. It was at the lowest point of deep shame that I acted out more.

I felt horrible & sick to my stomach. It was awful. Acting out is always a cry for help on some level & no one else to my knowledge knew any of my secrets. I knew I needed therapy & some kind of medical treatment. I didn't ask for any because that would mean I would have to tell someone why I needed help & I couldn't do that yet. I couldn't bear the thought that I did that & that I had become an abuser. I wanted to do everyone a favor and eliminate the potential threat I was to the world.

So, one day I was all alone and I was sitting there eating an apple with a paring knife on the couch. I had the knife to my forearm and was trying to muster up enough nerve to cut myself already and get it over with. As the knife touched my skin I froze. It was a voice from heaven speaking to me directly, a guardian angel I’m sure. It said, “Emily. This isn't about you and killing yourself won’t solve your problems. It won’t make it easier for anyone else. Your posterity is depending on you to be here. They need you.” That phrase has come to mind many times after that incidence. It changed my life.

This wasn't the last time I seriously considered suicide. No, the struggle with it at times still rages on.

All throughout my marriage I had a lot of deep depression. I was barely functional and that was normal for me then. I had children & looking back I now realize that I had postpartum psychosis & that I should not have been left alone with my children. I felt like an unfit mother and continued in numbness and disconnection. It wasn't until a few years in that I realized how bad I was. I sounded like a screaming banshee with my children. Many days I would yell, cry, and scream sometimes to the point of breaking blood vessels. I studied all the parenting books I could get my hands on, I read lots of spiritually uplifting material, and I felt like I prayed & prayed to have a change of heart and that I could somehow love my children. After months of trying to treat myself & beating myself up for not being a natural at it I finally sought help through a professional counselor for several months.

The initial diagnosis was that of ADHD & I was in counseling & visiting my doctor regularly. I got on medication & it seemed to help, but not enough. A year or two went by and I did the best I could with what I had to work with.

I was depressed everyday & again hardly functioning. My marriage was barely staying together. I was disconnected & did not do a lot around the house. I went to work & came home & expected my husband to do everything else. At that point waking up & going through the motions was all I had to give & it wasn't enough for my husband. He was tired of the 7 years that I spent depressed & nothing looked like it was changing any time soon.

At that point I was feeling a lot of things built up inside, more than what I could handle on my own. I wanted to take some preventative measures so I put myself in group therapy & back in individual counseling. My doctor & I discussed perhaps trying a different set of medications. I found a lot that didn't work (including one that made me really suicidal—showering alone wasn't even safe. I had to leave the bathroom door unlocked & take one while my husband was home) & finally found one that worked well for me. Having that medication that worked was the first time in my life that I felt genuinely happy simply because I existed. It was as if a fog had cleared & I could see that I needed to change. Medication opened up so many things for me because I could finally cope well enough to do the work of getting through the crappy stuff to find the nuggets of gold in it all. I was finally able to change for myself and for the better.

That’s when crap hit the fan in a really big way. My marriage was actually falling apart more than I thought & my husband wanted a divorce. I was crushed and my world was spinning. How could this happen after all this work I've done? The things he complained about for 7 years were no longer relevant because I had changed in an intense year & a half. I thought something had to be wrong with me. Life as I knew it felt like it was over. How could I move forward when I thought I was doing so well? Nothing made sense anymore.

I cried myself to sleep a lot, had panic attacks, and yes, suicide was consistently entertained as a way out of all of it to end the suffering. Thankfully I had a huge support network in place with family, friends, doctors, and counselors. Even with all the love I had I still felt completely alone and like I was in a dark cave. I rarely told people my deepest feelings of not wanting to exist. I didn't want the speech. What I wanted and needed was someone to genuinely listen to me & validate what I was feeling & not dismiss it. I’m not one to seek outward attention in this format.

Medication helped with the chemical imbalances, counseling helped significantly to equip me with tools to cope, and yet after years of combined therapy, I still consistently wanted to stop existing. We narrowed it down to calling it for what it was, “suicidal thoughts, ideations, and tendencies.” I was able to get to the point of awareness that if I attempted suicide I would most likely end up “failing” because I knew I had work on the earth to complete. That knowledge did nothing to change me wanting to stop existing.

I figured if I tried & failed, I would end up living worse off than where I was. I honestly thought, “If I tried a car accident I would probably get paralyzed & then what would I do? If I took pills I’d pass out & get my stomach pumped & then have all these hospital bills. How would I pay for that? If I cut myself, I’d probably bleed & need a blood transfusion, at least then I’d get a break in the hospital for a little while. But how would I pay for that if I survived?” I debated lying about being suicidal just to get checked in. I was consumed and overwhelmed by daily demands of family and home. I wanted out & I considered physically doing so. I knew I’d feel guilty if I up & walked out on my children & leave everything behind, then I really couldn't live with myself if I did do that. There was no amount of “reasoning” that made life better for me. As practical of a suicidal person I was, it scared me.

So, what changed for me? Why am I still here today?

I kept up my support network of multiple therapies which included changing some lifestyle habits. Some of the biggest changes came when I faced my trapped inner demons. There was a lot of trauma I still needed to work through & I knew I needed to head in the direction of being able to help other people with their own demons. My counselor mentioned a place called The Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT (IHA). It intrigued me. I went for a visit & got an appointment set up for a session. That set in motion so many things. I found another type of therapy filled with even more tools to help me work through the crap that happened. This was the work of championing my inner child.

I spent a year working with my inner child & that of my fellow classmates & clients. Each experience was healing on such a deep level. I started seeing the dysfunctional patterns & beliefs I held about life: Life is hard; we’re all going to die anyways, so why not be ready for when it happens; I am being punished for being alive; life is painful; I was only born for my body to be used, so I’m useless, & on and on it went.

The depression was prevalent during most of my time at IHA. I remember a fellow student coming out of some of her depression. She mentioned that anger is actually a higher state of functioning than shame. She said she had moved out of a lot of the shame & was now working through a lot of the anger. I could see the change in her. I wanted what she had. I knew that if she could have that change of heart, then so could I, seeing her work through it gave me courage and permission to live my truth in my own way.

There came a time when my instructor kept telling me to pay attention to what I was saying & that my words created my reality. Frequently what I was creating was a life of misery & endless woe. (For more specific examples please see this post on the power of our words.) No, I don’t blame Satan for planting those thoughts & I don’t blame myself for thinking/feeling them. I do take accountability for what I do have control over. I cannot control my brain chemistry. I can manage it as best I can & do the best with what I have.

On one occasion was when I was going through my second divorce (I married the same man twice & that’s a completely different story), was forced to quit a job due to sexual harassment, got fired from the next job for theft that I still have no idea how I “committed”, and had a “friend” wake me up at 1:30 am to call me a liar & threaten to report me to the licensing board. I was trying my best to get through things one day at a time. I felt like I was treading water in a cave with only a small air bubble to pull strength from. This was another really low place in my life. I cried & cried & called another friend who came over at 2 am to help me breathe and sort things out. She was my earthly angel that night. She looked me in the eyes and told me that I wanted to live.

From that point on whenever I begin obsessing over wanting to die I verbally /audibly tell myself with fervor and resolve, “Emily, you want to live! I see you! I know you! You are needed here right now!”

Suicidal thoughts for me are really a signal & symptom to something much deeper happening at the core. With the chemical imbalance mostly stable I realize that the rest is for me to work on. I have come to the understanding that I don’t really want to die. I now understand that what I’m really thinking and feeling is that whatever experience I am facing it appears to be so overwhelming & I wish I didn't have to deal with it anymore. It’s uncomfortable & yet it is a feeling that eventually fades away.

Even with all my proactive work, I still struggle at times. The depression I deal with now is less severe with the suicidal thoughts a lot less often. The work did not “get rid of the problem”, but it has helped me to see it differently. Problems aren't to get rid of; rather they are opportunities to find ourselves through them. It can be a process of refinement.

Please know that I actively work on wanting to live life & not just exist, survive, or get through another day. Some days are better than others. I am learning to practice what I feel living in a thriving and prosperous way means to me.  

When I have those down days I check in with myself & usually a trusted support person. I look at potential causes of the depression/suicide feelings I’m having. I see if there are perhaps sleep & nutrition deficiencies (there usually are for me & it’s one of my biggest contributing factors). I see if I need to work through some old personal crap that’s unpleasant & that my old patterning wants me to shove, ignore, numb, and hide deep inside filled with shame. I see if I need to spend some time with nature. I see if I need time alone to process. I see if I need time to socialize. I see if I need time to love, embrace, and nurture myself. It has taken over 25 years for me to get to this point of awareness.

If you feel the inclination to judge either yourself or someone else I suggest you stop right there. There is no judgment for experiences. I do not see someone as the label of “suicidal” because that is not at all who they are. They are a person who needs love and understanding & to find out whom they really are and what they have to offer. They need to see from their own eyes and heart the love they have for themselves. When I learned to love myself I could then be free to live the way I needed to.  

Healing from such deep wounds can take a lifetime to recover from. This is a daily process and a practice for me. I wish I could say I’d never think another death thought again or that I’ll never ever consider doing something to harm myself. That’s not realistic for me. What I can say is that I promise to pay better attention to my emotional, physical, spiritual, and mental needs so that I don’t dwell in depression land longer than is necessary for my learning.

Suicide & depression have taught me more about patience, trust, faith, healing, recovery, and the need for each other, my desires to be more connected to myself and those around me, and look at someone’s heart amid all the “darkness” and find the light within them.  I see light more easily because I have known the dark of the night.

No Apologies: I'm Practicing Perfect-Imperfection

I am practicing living authentically from my heart. I’m realizing this means no more apologizing for experiences, thoughts, feelings, opinions, tendencies, or actions I've already worked through. No more. Yes, that’s right; I am choosing to practice vulnerability in speaking what is and has been true for me. My purpose in sharing such personal things is to bring light to the darkness and to be the champion I've always needed. I write about what I feel passionate about.

I am writing from my own individual experience & I am not speaking in blanket statements or in any way trying to project judgment, better than/less than mentality. If I come across that way, please message me privately so that I have a better understanding & I can clarify what it is I meant. There are times where I write or say something & may need to go back and edit the content. I am learning & practicing right alongside anyone who is reading this blog. We’re all human & there’s always room for more love because you can never have too much of it.

I know I am a teacher of a great many things. My best teaching comes from what I have learned in my own life. I hope by my sharing that others will have the courage to speak their truth to at least one other very trusted person at some point--my first one in full was a professional counselor. Shame thrives on secrecy & I’m tired of playing the shame games. The “skeletons” will be called out & may shock or surprise some people. Please know that I am not doing this to get special attention, pity, a reaction, or anything else like it. If there is judgment, leave it at the door where it belongs.

My intention is to have others learn from my experiences, whether it validates your own, speaks to your heart, calls for you to change, invites understanding & compassion, triggers discomfort or pain, or whatever else comes. Trust what comes up & trust that if there is a response that it is your body’s way of giving you information. Listen to it. The initial response will almost always be the correct response for you in that moment.

As to triggering others, many in leadership positions will bring up issues with authority. I am also usually confident and a bit of a know-it-all & that can trigger people too. I cannot help that I may or may not remind you of someone. I am willing to be a teacher, even if it means standing or holding a space that may feel uncomfortable.  I am practicing honing information into this format so as to not overwhelm the first person willing to listen to me with all of my bazillion thoughts going on (that’s been termed “puking rainbows” onto people. It’s good information, but too much at one time & for one person).

Over the years I have come to understand on a personal level that when a person is vulnerable with their "dark" experiences they are really entrusting you with their sacred and holy space. Please treat this/me with that understanding in mind.

My life experiences include: many years of sexual abuse (age 2-10) from many different people which contributed a lot to: acting out, addictions, becoming a perpetrator/abuser, co-dependent & abusive relationships, mental health concerns, PTSD, same-gender attraction, self-abuse and the like. There are also many generational patterns which contributed to the underlying beliefs. In large measure I have forgiven and let go. Forgetting is not helpful for me since the memory serves a greater purpose. It is how I remember it, if I’m relieving something or if I am working through it that makes the difference. I also know that my working through things is for the benefit of myself as well as for others. I will do my best not to give too many details & will maintain anonymity for the people involved as I firmly believe in a person’s ability to heal and change.

I have studied psychology & like-minded material for over 15 years now. I have an Associate of Arts degree from Western Nevada College in 2007. I am a licensed massage therapist & graduated from the Utah College of Massage Therapy—Lindon in August of 2011. I am trained in Emotional Release Facilitation from the Institute of Healing Arts in Lindon, UT & graduated in August of 2013. I have completed a Soul Integrity Mentorship in March of 2014 with my one of my mentor’s Staci Sadler & I am training to be certified as a Soul Integrity Mentor & an Aura Personality Consultant. I have 2 boys who keep me on my feet and are some of my greatest teachers. They have been guides and motivators over the years.

Lots of things have been on my mind lately & I know they are waiting in line to be shared outwardly in greater quantities. I visually can see the pages lining up so there is plenty more where this is coming from. Enter with care.

No One is Broken: 33 + Things I Know For Sure

There are many truths which I hold self-evident and one of them is that we are whole and no one is ever really broken. Yes, it is true we may feel broken beyond repair, yet that is an illusion and an ego-driven choice in an attempt to protect us from perceived emanate danger. I used to believe that because of life experiences of abuse that that meant that there must have been something inherently wrong with me or that I was wrong or deserving of it. This translated to deep feelings of shame for the simple fact that I existed. I am still working through elements of these beliefs. 

Recently I have come to love the word Atonement a lot more referring to it as At-One-Ment. It is becoming one with the divine within me. God is in me & I am in him. The Greek roots of the word “Atonement” comes from two parts. “A-,” meaning without or lacking (similar to the use in atypical); and “-Tomein,” meaning to divide or split (from the same root as “atom,” implying that it cannot be split). Thus the Atonement is the process of becoming indivisible. With this truth there is nothing that can ever separate us. I know that if I can come from darkness into light through the Atonement, then so can others. These are truths which I have learned through the fiery furnace of affliction:

1. There is no need to fear the darkness because I am in it & I am an infinite being of light. Everyone has some measure of light within them and because I know who I am, I shine bright as the stars.
2. It is in the depths of despair and in the gall of bitterness that I have witnessed sacred miracles. These miracles happened from the inside out.
3. I am not “my” stories, feelings, fears, emotions, career, relationship status, gender, age, nationality or race, religion, experiences, ego, etc.
4. Beneath the entire “story” I know for a surety that I deserve to be treated with love, kindness, and respect.
5. There is a plan for me. There is always a plan for me. It is messy, chaotic feeling, surprising, challenging, rewarding, exhausting, and rejuvenating.
6. God’s got my back. He will never abandon me & he’s always there to support me.
7. Imperfection is the practice of perfection. It’s okay to mess up, make mistakes, and feel like I am failing miserably because that is how I learn, grow, and become stronger.
8. God knows me. He knows my path. He knows me by name and every intimate detail of my life. He knows what I am capable of and who I am.
9. God loves me passionately!
10. God blesses me beyond comprehensible measure.
11. I am innocent and pure and undefiled. Though I thought I was broken, dirty, used, ugly and abused, the truth is that no one can ever give or take any of that from me. No, not one! I am whole, complete, and finished exactly the way I am. I was born with that truth and I will die with that truth.
12. I am powerful beyond measure. (*Marianne Williamson)
13. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent. (*Eleanor Roosevelt)
14. There was not anything I did to deserve to be treated in such a brutal or manipulative manner, never.
15. No one has earned the suffering of abuse. Yes, it happens, but I am not responsible for the actions of another.
16. I have done the best I could with what I had and that is good enough.
17. I realized that I am only responsible for myself and that codependency is suffocating and unhealthy.
18. I champion the cause of healthy relationships, most importantly with myself. For it is in self-relationship that my best work is performed.
19. I am my own best investment.
20. Worlds are changed and created. When I love myself opportunities will unfold, and I will be overflowing with love from others because I am open to receiving it at long last.
21. I stand as a guardian and a guide.
22. I have the ability to see beyond the lies and to release the inner fetters of my heart.
23. The pain of hell will be transformed in to the promised peace of heaven on earth.
24. I have the power to choose how I will respond and ultimately the course or path I will follow. –This is lots of practice by the way.
25. Freedom is a choice and it is a process.
26. I can ride the wave of emotion and there is no judgment for it.
27. I am known. I am seen. I am needed.
28. Failure is not an option because there is always something to learn.
29. I choose life. Life is always the best choice for me.
30. There came a point in time when I woke up from the darkness more than I ever thought possible. The days of crippling numbness dissipated. I realized that I wanted to change for myself regardless of what anyone else thought. I began to feel again, express emotions, feel joy and sorrow, pleasure and pain. I realized that I can be happy regardless of whatever else is going on around me.
31. It is out of the darkness that we truly come to the greatest light. Contrast is essential. Because as Martin Luther King Jr. said, “God makes a way where there is no way. When our days become dreary with low hovering clouds and our nights become darker than a thousand midnight's let us remember that… [God] is able to make a way out of no way, and transform dark yesterdays in to bright tomorrows.”
32. THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE!!!!
33. No one is broken (see the beginning). 

I am at the point where I can share things of my past quite openly. At times it seems like those experiences were someone else’s. From the depths of despair God hath redeemed my soul from a living hell and has transformed my pain into promise and my hell into heaven. I now transcend painful experiences into positive passion and self-love. My darkest days of sexual abuse, addictions, codependency, abandonment, suicidal thinking, and self-hatred have been redeemed because I am willing to learn, grow, and let go.

In large measure though, greater than I ever thought possible or imaginable, I have found healing from within. Over the years I have slowly been quickened in my understanding and thirst for relief from suffering. I have found that Christ truly is the living water from which I can always draw strength from.

My life stands as a witness of health, hope, and healing. I have become new, clean, and born again. I stand worthy in my imperfections to stand in the presence of God and his angels. I am light. I am life. I am a warrior of love. Wholeness that was always present from before my birth is a viewpoint which has been restored.

This poem I wrote sums up the process quite beautifully.

Wholeness Restored

Broken no more

Never broken before

What once was?

Is now, no more

God mended and

Strengthened the

Weak and worn

Gave hope to desolation

Health to the heart

And through the mind

Light to the Spirit,

And Soul, in kind

The Eternal Truth

Has been restored in

Virtue, Wisdom

And the Word

I think I can.

I believe I can.
I will.

And I am.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW FOR SURE?My friend asked a question in conjunction with a blog post of her own "Untouched". Her question was, "Are our souls intact and untouched from this life, or can an immortal soul be damaged? Can anything be healed or are some pains doomed to haunt and scar us forever?"

My post is in response to that question posed separately from the post. I realize that there is so much more that can be written in response to her questions & I'm barely scratching the surface with my response. Please add your own on both of our blogs. I love the expanse of learning from one another.

It's not about the problems or the labels

I'm going to open, honest, and vulnerable here. I met with a life coach professional in regards to some "problem behaviors" I have been experiencing with a child. I have previous trauma which I feel triggered when my he/she exhibits certain behaviors. I went to the appointment knowing that it was going to be all about what I needed to change and that is exactly what happened. 

I have put this professional and her team on a bit of a pedestal and I enjoyed meeting them on a more personal level. I did a lot of listening (I’m normally a jabber mouth). We talked before, during, and after the taping. Here are some of the things I learned & interpreted from our meeting, glean from it what you will:

·         I was thanked for being personal and willing to share my experience.

·         The truth is I need to heal my own wounded inner child and continue to do that work.

·         I am too hard on myself. I have come a long way from where I was before and need to give myself credit for being an awesome mom.

·         I am very powerful.

·         I was looking at this child as a “problem” and he/she was obliging to be obedient to that belief and supported it in behaviors. He/She is not a problem and is not any of the labels. He/She is just themselves.

·         I need to stop giving attention and using words that express a “problems” focus. The negative attention reinforces the behaviors.

·         I need to stop apologizing for him/her. I use the labels when I feel uncomfortable.

·         Autism is typically a diagnosis of an extreme expression of (Earth or Metal) energy.

·         I have to stop comparing him/her to other people (or rather projecting my experiences with other people that I felt hurt by with similar energy types). He/she is not them and it is not fair to him/her for me to re-play that.

·         I have a flurry of energy and he/she is picking up on that and connecting with me through that (it feels too intense). He/she is very much grounded and naturally still and I need to be more grounded and help him/her be grounded as well.

·         I need to be direct and straightforward with him.

·         I talk too much. He/She would like it if I was more efficient with words and stop trying to make him/her talk to me.

·         He/She wants to connect with me and I am steering the ship. I’m the adult and I’m setting the stage and he/she is playing the part/role I assigned him/her (even though it’s not true to his/her nature).

·         He/She is a 9 years old. Let him/her be a kid. I know how to honor him/her and allow that space.

·         He/She could be a comedian someday.

·         I need to re-read The Child Whisperer on Type 4 energy so that I can give him the kind of attention he/she needs from me.

·         He/she needs time to be alone.

I did realize that the word “problem” holds a lot of weight for me. I grew up not wanting to be the problem child and believing that having needs was bad and thus I would be a problem. I chose to feel shame when I did not have my needs met the way I wanted them to.

I have been listening to a book called Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw. From it I realize that I am reflecting the shame I learned onto my children. Most families have a scapegoat, black sheep, or problem child of some sort. This is the person that the family sets up to take the blame for the outwardly negative shame. It comes from a place of discomfort of our own feelings, or dealing with trauma and then using someone else as the distraction (so that you don’t have to draw attention to your weaknesses or face your own “problems”).

I took the place of shame called “perfectionism” and being a know-it-all. My siblings have been some of my greatest teachers and I am grateful for their. I have learned a great deal of love, compassion, and empathy with them as a part of our family. Their sacred contract with me was life changing and has shaped me into the woman I am today.

A side note about labels

Children are not cereal boxes with labels. They really are people and it's is more about what's inside the box than what we "see", albeit an illusion, on the outside. What's beneath the label. Who are they and who are we really?

Stop Labeling ChildrenUpon further reflection I realize my child is a Little Warrior who provides me with ample opportunity to take down my heart-walls. It is a knock at the door (or a pounding on the wall) as an open invitation to see beyond the reactionary shield and to be in the moment of raw emotions and experience an open heart. When I feel triggered it really is my inner child wanting to be heard. Am I listening to what she really needs? The lesson I need to learn most is within me. When I “get it” I can extend that great love and compassion to my family and those around me. Love begins with me and I am the driver of my life. I direct myself and I have the blessed opportunity to teach my children how to do that for themselves. 

Growth Becomes Me

When I started an alternative school a year ago I knew this was the place I needed to be at this time in my life. I did not realize what I was really signing up for & how much time & energy I would put into it, and consequently invest in myself. This school, the experience, is what you make of it. I have truly transformed into a renewed woman and if I were to read the “story” of how I did life before, I wouldn't believe it was the same person standing here.

I used to ask God the “Why me?” question. The questions I use more often are now:

·                 Why not me?

·                 What would you have me learn? Am I willing to learn it?

·                 What do you want me to do with this information & how could I use it to bless myself and others through you?

·                 What is it I really want?

·                 What will I do to create a new truth today?

The answers are not always immediately clear, or in the way, or time-frame I’d like. The answers will always come. They are replied to in the commanding affirmatives:

·                 You learn well.

·                 I have nourished and nurtured you all these years.

·                 I trust you. You have gifts to bless those around you and I know you will do it with love, compassion, and empathy. You can relate.

·                 I love you passionately and want you to know and feel me personally.

·                 You are a co-creator. The word is creative. Speak well & speak wisely.

From the present looking back I am able to see a different perspective. God does not make mistakes. He creates miracles! My greatest gifts and lessons have come from the darkest & most anguished parts of life experiences. For it is in the darkness that my greatest treasures can be found as I focus on the light I see there.

Some of the hardest things this last year were learning to walk away. In the Four Agreements it states, “If someone is not treating you with love and respect, it is a gift if they walk away from you. If that person doesn't walk away, you will surely endure many years of suffering with him or her. Walking away may hurt for a while, but your heart will eventually heal. Then you can choose what you really want. You will find that you don't need to trust others as much as you need to trust yourself to make the right choices.” I have learned to make different choices and to stand up for myself. I have learned to change my thought processes. 

Changes in belief systems always precede a change in behavior. It is not until we fully recognize the what, when, how, and why of the belief that we can come to a place of greater awareness & informed choosing. We must come to an understanding of what our behavior costs us & what it is we really want. Is what you're doing getting you what you really want? Or, is what you're doing getting you what you fear most?

You create that which you most concern yourself with, what you put the most thought, time and energy into. That which we resist persists. I believed that I was unworthy of love & I found a way to validate my erroneous and egotistical belief. I even blocked my relationship with God because I felt I didn't even deserve his love. 

When we clarify our intent and purpose life happens more beautifully. We become clean, pure, whole, and full of light. We find joy and peace in purposeful living.

In processing one of my favorite questions asked are, "What is the truth about you? What is the whole truth? What have you learned from these experiences? Who have you become because of this?"

I now know these truths: I love myself enough to let go of huge fears that get in the way of having fun & enjoying outings with my family. I am vulnerable, open & honest. I am willing to get out of my zone of extreme safety and try some new things, and who knows, I might even like them. I am balanced in family, friends, and work. My family remains my first priority & I continue to learn and grow from them.

I live my life passionately, clearly, and with power and purpose. I look in the mirror and think, “Damn, I look good! How did I get to be so lucky to be me?” Yes, I am confident & self-assured. I speak & live in my truth. I know who I am. I am beautiful, kind, loving, and there’s no one else quite like me. I am my own person. I look forward to helping others transcend their painful experiences into positive passion and self-love as I have for myself. I grow in grace & I grow in God. Growth and healing becomes me. I am miraculous.