The Perfect Illusion: A Memoir of My Former Lover

I'm now realizing that relationships tend to end the way they begin and in our case it was fast and furious with a side of “why the hell not?”! It didn't start out as alarmingly obvious. No, that took nearly 2 years from when we first met to today to completely unfold and implode while still exploding in my face.

My first experience with a girlfriend was a total nightmare. If there were 4 songs to represent our relationship they would be: Perfect Illusion, by Lady Gaga; Toxic, by Britney Spears; and Send My Love (To Your New Lover), by Adele; Oh, and our “song” was also perfect, Break Your Heart, by Taio Cruz. Yes, those all sum it all up quite truthfully.

The way we met was rather unexpected and obscure, and took me by surprise. I was flattered that you were interested in me and genuinely wanted to get to know me and about some of the things I love. You were seductive at the time and knew what you wanted in certain areas of life. You were a go-getter and I was on that list.

Somehow I was completely oblivious to how much you were into me and when we met in person I had a stiff amount of judgment I projected onto you. I was scared, and taking baby steps on being my true self felt death defying at the time. So, I pushed you away with the ever classic ghosting approach. I couldn't believe I did that to you and I hated when others did that to me. I never liked not knowing why someone wasn't interested anymore. Still I worked on getting more comfortable with my sexuality and my heart leaped at the chance to experience the thrills with you.

It was fun while it lasted. There was a sense of adventure and risk that I had never experienced before. It felt like I was the teenager I never allowed myself to be before. It was so opening, liberating, freeing, and amazing and I was definitely smitten by your charm.

We went back and forth a lot and couldn't decide whether we wanted to be together or not. By the end of 14 months of dating I estimate 6-7 breakups. Neither of us should have stayed with each other that long. Each time we broke up we just missed each other terribly and we were familiar, so we danced in the relationship a little longer.

Hardly anyone knew of the struggles and turmoil beneath the surface. While there were a lot of great things there were some pretty terrible ones too. I couldn't stand when you would drink too much. You became a different person and it was very emotionally, verbally, and at times physically abusive. One of the hardest parts was that you wouldn't remember what you said or did the next day. I was living with the painful wounds of what had been done. You would beg and plead me not to leave and I would put up with it, assuage you, and try to make it all better. I wanted to show you that someone could love you unconditionally, no matter what.

I realize now that it was awfully codependent of me to take on the role of caretaker with you. I set aside my needs and put you 1st when what I really needed was safety emotionally and physically. I put spiritual blinders on and overrode my own intuition on numerous occasions in the name of “love”.

What I forgot in all of it is that I needed to love myself first and to allow you to do the same for yourself. I forgot that I can love you or anyone else with as much heart as I can give, but I can't make you or anyone else receive it because you and they have to love themselves too. My inner child needed me to be her champion, and for a long time I kept telling her to “piper down!” And that's where my breaking point came into play.

I couldn't take the swearing, yelling, name calling or other forms of self-abuse projected at me anymore. I know it wasn't personal, but it felt humiliating and degrading. The things you said were your shame and your story, not mine, and I wasn't going to accept them as mine any longer.

Sure, I had a hard time not being girlfriends anymore, but that had nothing to do with the way things ended. The loving thing for me to do at 1 am that day was to make you dinner and ask if you wanted a plate as a good and caring friend. There wasn't neediness for attention in my desire to serve you, not even an ounce. Instead I was utterly bewildered at such a peculiar response which didn't fit the question or the situation. I was perplexed and wondering if I had inadvertently stepped into the Twilight Zone. It was a turning point and it was time for me to leave.

I had hoped you would cool down and see things more clearly later on, much like we had many, many times before. This time proved to be quite different though and you shut me out completely and didn't say a word. I had nothing to go on, no updates, no closure just a gaping wound for both of us. I gave you distance and space, and still no response.

It was agonizing not knowing how you were doing along the way. I still cared very deeply for you. I don't know why you pushed me with such energetic force or if it was even you initiating the process of doing so. It hurt that you couldn't give the decency of telling me yourself that you didn't want to be friends anymore & that I had to hear it from a 3rd party which may not even be accurate to what you actually felt. Still, it's all I had to go on and I did the best I could with what I had.

I started piecing together that you changed a lot starting back when you started going on weekends with some “friends”. I can't say for certain what has or has not happened between the two of you prior to us breaking up especially since substances were involved. What I can say is you started being belligerent, wouldn't look me in the eyes, avoided having any intimacy together, and wouldn't be physically affectionate in public anymore. You would yell, swear, and name call out in public and in private on a regular basis. You kept the other “friend” in the loop with everything going on and not me at all. When she showed up you acted as if I no longer existed or meant anything to you. I'm not dumb and I could see the way you two looked at each other. *And now I know you two got married to each other and I wish you the best.

I didn't want to see what was going on because I genuinely don't think in those terms. I'm not a cheater, liar, or manipulator so I don't assume someone is going to do that to me. I know we wouldn't have ever worked out at all and I don't see why things had to end so horribly. Maybe it's what you needed to get out of being with me and to make sure I really got the message that things were over. Maybe you want someone who has more sugar to offer you with less of an expectation of commitment and loyalty. Maybe you wanted someone who wasn't so fucking vulnerable and emotional all the time. And all of that's okay. You ended it in a really shitty way though and could have just told me what you were feeling.

So yes, I can't, won't, and will never be friends with you ever again because I deserve so much better. I deserve to have the kind of people in my life who are sweet, thoughtful, kind, considerate, loving, compassionate, understanding, and love me exactly where I'm at in all my “boring-ness”. I like it that way. I don't need to drink or smoke anything to feel, to love, to be open, or to have fun. We were destined to make an explosion together and that is precisely what happened.

I am grateful for the things I learned about myself. I learned how to be more comfortable with myself, loosen up a little, love fearlessly regardless of the consequence, and to appreciate things as they are because you never know when you're going to loose someone you “love” very much. I was broken open and I'm stronger for it. I now believe I deserve a much different kind of love because I love myself more. I have risen from the ashes like the Phoenix that I am and I'm soaring higher than ever before.

I now fully understand the phrase a counselor once told me, “If he's/she's charming, I'm running!” I was hooked, addicted, infatuated, and a bit obsessed with you. You were my drug of choice. Everything was so real to me and I believed every word you told me. Now I know it was all a lie, one big, elaborate series of lies. It wasn't love at all. It was counterfeit from the start. It was the perfect illusion.